Numbers

This is something I rarely talk about. It seems insignificant and unimportant. I am not diagnosed with OCD. I have been told I have OCD traits (whatever that means), but  I do have a thing with numbers.

I was taking a friend to go shopping earlier (in my car) and I said I liked a certain song on my ipod. I messed with the volume, and honestly 13 on my stereo sounded best.. but 13 is not ok. I debated between 12 and 14 for a minute. I settled on 12 because my friend probably wouldn't like the song since it was from a musical she hadn't seen. The issue is that if a stereo or tv has numbers for volume, I have to pick an even number. I swear at times I have probably put myself in danger by staring at the stereo in my car trying to get the right number.

Another major one is when I drink. It has to be at least 10 shots. That's probably the alcoholism talking. I have to know how many shots it is. It drives me nuts if I'm unsure. I do want it do be an even number, and I also need to know if it's 12 or above or whatever (It's hard to think of when it's not currently happening). I need to know because there is a cutoff depending on when I need to get up the next day. Mostly not knowing drives me crazy. I used to be able to keep track in my head, but my memory is crap these days. I do worry I have brain damage. I've taken to writing it on my hand. I keep tally of what I've had. If I can't remember taking a shot, I don't write it down.. so I probably drink more than I remember. Still, it gives me some approximation. That makes me less anxious.

It isn't just these things.. When I drink from a water fountain (or at times from a bottle) it has to be 3 sips or a multiple of 3. This is oddly when odd numbers are ok. This started several years ago when the bulimia was really bad. I don't remember when/why, but I remember standing at the water fountain in the grocery store I worked at counting what I drank. I think because I was really restrictive fluids at times. When I was cutting myself, a year ago or so it had to be in multiples of 10. 10 cuts, 20 cuts, 40 cuts etc..

Anyway, the point is that I have numbers that bother me. I had other things that bother me (stepping on cracks or on the wrong places). What bothers me most is trying to explain them. My therapist asked me about them because she thinks trying to control these OCD traits contributed to the eating disorder and drinking and cutting. The problem was at the time I couldn't think of them.. They never really messed with my life. They were just there. The thing is.. they're still there, and now I notice them more. I still do the water fountain thing (the 3 also applies if I drink water from a bottle at night) and the volume being an even number. I have other habits... tapping my fingers... picking at my skin obsessively.

My therapist at some point was convinced that all my problems originated as a way to handle OCD thoughts. I think she's wrong. I think a lot of these behaviors developed to handle anxiety. I've been on antidepressants off and on for the past 12 years. For most of that, I wasn't medicated for anxiety.. well when I was in high school I wasn't taking the anxiety med because it made me tired and I did all my homework at night. Still, the behaviors mostly started when I was on no medication at all or on nothing except a few antidepressants that weren't helping.

I'm rambling again.. but ever since my therapist mentioned it, I am more aware of these things..