I am going to try to be brief on this.
I know I need to be in treatment. I want to be in treatment. I don't care if it's rehab or a week or two in the psych ward (I've never done more than a week because I pressure the doctors to discharge me).
My fears are
Obviously, if I don't quit there will be consequences. I know the whole thing.. liver damage, heart damage, it really messes with your stomach. Then there's DUIs and legal stuff that I've managed to avoid so far. There's the depression that keeps springing up. I almost cried in McDonalds this morning eating my breakfast/lunch at 3pm
If I quit, I am afraid that the physical withdrawal could kill me. The tremors in my hands really bother me. They're embarrassing, and they're scary.
If I quit, I'm afraid the crazy insomnia and depression will make me kill myself. I've had those days. I have laid in bed trying to figure out mentally how to tie a noose (I will not let myself look this up). I have a variety of leftover medications. Nothing crazy but there's klonopin, librium (which I know I have but can't find), seroquel, wellbutrin, cymbalta, lexapro, neurontin, vistaril (not really sure what that is), abilify
I don't actively stockpile. I just don't throw anything away.
So yeah.. drinking seems the best option for now. I can't afford treatment. I desperately need a job or I will run out of money in June. Even if I teach in the fall, that paycheck wouldn't come until October.. so that's July, August, and September I have to manage.
No comments:
Post a Comment