Denial

I would love to say that things are getting better but not exactly.

I did try to tell my new supervisor what is going on. I mainly brought it up because I am struggling to keep it together at work and she has been talking about me being lead on certain days and giving me more responsibility. It's nice being trusted, but I wanted her to realize that I am struggling. So I told her I was more depressed but couldn't bring myself to say suicidal. I expressed concern that I am less patient with certain coworkers. Other than saying I should talk to my doctor, she didn't seem too concerned. Today she mentioned talking to the manager about the lead thing and mentioning that things seem to be going better for me. Somehow that's what she took away from our conversation? I guess because when she asked if it was about work and things there I said that work was better since the other supervisor changed to day shift. Still that wasn't the point of what I told her.

So now I am not sure how to handle things. Do I go to the manager and clarify or just drop it?

I threw up at work and again as soon as I got home and as I was standing there I had this thought that I wonder if what's causing the vomiting has to do with my liver. I was struck by the fact that I have made no effort to research the cause of this. I vaguely assumed that alcohol was the cause but not actually allowed myself to think about what was happening. I think I just accepted that the solution is to not drink and since that seems impossible, why bother finding out what is happening. I just keep trying every possible solution besides that. I have tried nausea medicine, all sorts of foods and eating schedules, antacids (because I am also now having excruciating heartburn), pepcid AC, pepto bismol, ginger, allergy medicine, mucinex.. anything I can get without seeing a doctor. I have begun considering asking a doctor for prescription nausea medicine, but I hesitate because they will probably want to figure out the cause and may very well just tell me not to drink rather than helping manage the symptoms. I know that the heartburn is probably due to the vomiting because in the past purging has also caused reflux and slow digestion. I started becoming mildly concerned yesterday because I threw up after midnight and definitely tasted the chicken I had for lunch before work, and that isn't normal.

This all got me thinking about work again and that perhaps I should talk to the manager. Perhaps I should tell her that I am not better. I should tell her that I am physically ill and mentally ill. I should mention that there may be something very wrong with me and that I may eventually need time off or be too sick to work because my health only seems to be getting worse and I am struggling to stay in denial about it. I am not scared of dying. I am however unsure how long I can keep this up. I mean eventually someone will notice if I keep throwing up at work. I almost want to tell her before that happens because I would rather acknowledge the possibility that I have seriously fucked up my body than have them draw the conclusion I am drunk or hungover at work. However, I know that another person's reaction to this would be different from mine. I shrug it off because I don't really care about dying. A normal person would probably freak out or worry because alcohol can cause pretty serious problems and the fact that I can't go a single day without vomiting multiple times is probably not just allergies or blood sugar. And if nothing else the vomiting itself can cause problems with my throat and my heart.

Thankfully I don't work again until Friday. I do see my therapist Thursday and will probably be honest about my health. I have a feeling she will want me to see a doctor. I have considered going to urgent care on my day off to see if I can at least get medicine for the nausea and prevent more damage. I am tempted to try to find somewhere other than the one urgent care place since the doctor might remember me from the times I went to get stitches and that could be awkward. I will see how I feel in the morning. Maybe by then I will be back to denial and not caring. It all comes and goes.

Sorry for being a downer again, but I felt like I should write while I am thinking somewhat realistically about the situation. I doubt I will keep thinking about it so clearly for very long.

Probably impossible wish

So I seriously can't remember the last time I made it 24 hours without vomiting. I really don't think my body is digesting food properly anymore because I feel so full after meals. I managed most of thanksgiving. I didn't eat a whole lot..  but that's also because my parents still think I'm vegetarian. We went out to brunch and I am limited to vegetarian stuff, which is fine because I don't like turkey or seafood and am disgusted by the prime rib the buffet had. I had mashed potatoes (so good), a bit of waffle, salad, and fruit.. plus some pie. I ate awkwardly slowly because I didn't want to be sick. I also had dinner which was pasta.. that only stayed down until I got home and drank. Today I was sick this morning but have managed ok since.

Last night I forgot to bring my laundry inside when I got home. I went downstairs and got it, and I was exhausted and sore from bringing the one basket upstairs. I am seriously wondering if something is wrong with me.

I have been thinking about all this. What I really wish at this point is to go to the hospital for 2-3 days.. to be admitted to a medical ward rather than a psych ward and detox. I just want them to watch my blood pressure and all that. They can give me something for detox and maybe nausea. I can lay in bed, preferably on benzos until the most serious risk passes. I do not want to go to a psych ward because the past few stays I have found groups to make things worse. The short time I am there isn't enough to fix my meds. I want to just sit in a room and not pretend that they can fix all my issues. I just want to detox without worrying I might die. I want something to help me sleep. I can then continue with my therapist and doctor to work on everything else. It would mean less wasted time. It would also mean making sure I haven't fucked up my heart or stomach with the alcohol and not eating properly.

Problem is that I don't know if this is possible. I think any hospital would try to transfer me to a psych ward or send me home thinking I am just seeking drugs.. which I guess I am but only for the time I am there. I don't expect any sane doctor to send me home with a prescription for Ativan or Librium (not that I would say no) because that's dangerous. I just know that the first 2 nights are scary, so I would like something to make it through those and then I can go back to just my usual meds.

I don't even know why I am mentioning this. I may bring it up with my therapist next week. I guess I am frustrated knowing that going inpatient at any of the hospitals I have been to is probably going to take longer than I want and possibly do more harm than good.

I managed at least to act normal for a couple days. I saw a movie with my mom yesterday. Today we went shopping. Admittedly, we got home around 7pm, and I couldn't stop yawning. I am not normally awake before noon and haven't slept well. We went to 4 stores total. They wanted a new Christmas tree. I got 2 sweatshirts, new towels, and a new bra on good sales. But I was just exhausted by the end. I hope I can sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have work, and I am still expecting to break down there in the near future because I am just exhausted and overwhelmed by life. Taking it one day at a time..

Another Wednesday

I think I have something of a Wednesday routine. I sleep as late as possible. I get up at least once to drink and go back to bed. When I get hungry, I finally get up. I was brave today and ate lunch at Jason's Deli which was crowded. I just had my heart set on a baked potato. I looked at menus online last night (after having vomited dinner and laying in bed eating apple sauce to settle my stomach) and had decided what I wanted. I considered chickening out and going for fast food or just to the grocery store, but I went. The past couple nights have been hell. Monday I knew my stomach was upset at work. I tried to convince myself that I could make it home without getting sick. I made it as far as my car and then promptly threw up in a plastic bag in my car in the parking lot. I am seriously considering going to the doctor next week and begging for nausea medicine because this isn't healthy and while not drinking is probably the ideal solution, I need to be able to keep food down. I mean walking up stairs is challenging lately. I am only 30 and get tired walking up a few stairs, so I am not well. I also really need to see my dentist because my teeth and gums are terrible. It is so hard to go though. I feel like doctors and nurses generally try to be understanding, but dental hygienists are trained to tell you repeatedly how bad you should feel about how you take care of your teeth. Like hey while my hands are in your mouth and you can't speak, let me just make you feel horrible for not flossing and making your gums your highest priority in life.. or is it just at my dentist? I honestly might end up going and saying first thing that I have had many other life threatening health and personal problems this year so can they just tell me what needs to be done now and not comment on what I am doing wrong.. but we will see.

After lunch, I went to Target for groceries and a shirt to wear for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I didn't really try to buy much food. I bought yogurt, cereal, and applesauce.. basically all I eat these days. I did find a cute top on clearance. We are going out for Thanksgiving this year. I also suggested seeing a movie to my mom and shopping on Friday. I am quite impressed that I am spending more time with them than expected but I know I need it. I need to not spend 90% of my time in bed. So we are probably seeing a movie and then going shopping Friday. I want new towels and maybe clothes if there are good sales.

I am home now and of course in bed. I have a new Netflix obsession which is a cartoon called Sarah & Duck.. which is meant for kids but is seriously weird. Like she's making a cake and the batter starts talking and telling her how to bake it. Very weird. Highly recommend it. The cats are keeping me company. They don't seem to mind spending time in bed. I am so very grateful for them when things are rough.

I think next week I will make some effort to tell someone at work what is going on. My temper is much shorter and I think I should probably explain that I am doing poorly. I will think about what to say. I have the next couple days off to hopefully rest.

Hanging on

Things are not going particularly well. I still am not taking my meds. I am so exhausted. Thursday I ended up cancelling my therapy appointment because I just couldn't get out of bed in time to go. I was honest about why when she replied to my text and asked if everything was OK. I could have made up an excuse, but I felt guilty already for cancelling at the last minute. I ended up staying in bed until 2 and then going to see my parents. I haven't been taking my thyroid medication, which probably explains the exhaustion.

I've had a couple more nights spent throwing up. I am living off fast food, yogurt, and applesauce mostly. I have managed not to miss any work and managed not to cry at work so far. My supervisor not being there has helped. I have seriously thought about telling someone what's going on because I don't know how long I can keep this up. I am probably just as suicidal as I was before I went inpatient last time. Now it's not so much thoughts or plans. It's the desperate feeling. The feeling that things are hopeless and will never change. The feeling that I need to do something to make it go away. I spend the majority of the time in bed these days because I can distract myself enough not to actually do anything. Plus, it takes a major effort to get up, so I am more likely to just stay in bed. Wednesday, I think I was out of bed for 3 hours. I ate lunch and went to the liquor store and then got back in bed and took a nap. It's pretty pathetic. I mostly only got up to drink because I still keep the vodka in another room.

I haven't told anyone because I don't know what to say. I just keep thinking it will be a miracle if I survive the holidays. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I have actually considered asking my parents to stay with them for a few days until I feel safer, but I don't know if it's worth it. If I tell them what's going on, I can't expect them to then go back to believing I'm fine when I decide I want to go back home again.

I have thought about asking for a few days off work to rest, but I really don't need to spend more time at home. I am kinda just waiting until someone says something or when I inevitably start crying in front of someone. I think I am still hiding it somewhat successfully while I am there. I don't want to worry anyone when they can't really help me.

It's a mess. I'm a mess. I don't really care anymore.

F***ed up

So lately I have let anxiety get the best of me. I have put off making decisions and doing things that I knew I should. Several of these started with losing my debit card.. well they sent me a new one for some reason, and I lost it before even activating it.

So I sorted out my toll tag and some bills, and I had this nagging fear about my insurance that I avoided. I assumed that I would have an email if I had missed payments. I also knew my student loans were am issue but expected only a certain amount to be due.

Well, I finally looked into this. My auto insurance had lapsed because of payment. So had my renters insurance. My student loans.. I guess more had become due since I last checked? I was expecting a couple hundred at most, and it's close to 2,000.

So I frantically tried to fix things, which I suppose is more responsible than putting it off. I applied again for auto insurance and paid for the new policy. I tried to do renters insurance through the same company and got a message saying it didn't work.. rather than waiting and calling about it, I just went through another company. I honestly don't care about my renters insurance except that my complex requires it. I probably won't ever use it. So I got my car insurance. I got new renters through another company. Now I just need to deal with student loans. Of course, there's some sort of outage tonight, so I can't. I can afford to pay what is due, but I definitely need to deal with it. I guess more, older loans are due... and I need to see about consolidating what I can. I guess this can't be done until Monday. I will deal then. The insurance is more risky not to deal with because I could get a ticket or lease violation.

I feel so stupid for not dealing with this. I had emails mentioning the loans being past due, but I didn't deal with it. I didn't have anything about insurance, so I had assumed that those were linked to my account and not debit card. That's my fault. Thankfully, my car loan was through my checking account and not debit card.

So yeah... I am failing at life.
I guess it's good I dealt with it now before getting a ticket or getting evicted. The whole thing only reinforced how suicidal I was already feeling. This way I am living really isn't sustainable, but I don't know what to do about it

Change

So things are changing at work, and I am not sure how I feel about it. Basically, the day shift supervisor is leaving the company. My supervisor is now taking her place, and someone is being promoted to replace him.

The good is that I won't have him snapping at me or me having to take charge because he's distracted. The woman replacing him is someone I know from school and is thankfully the only other person on night shift who knows my problems. I have trusted her enough to tell her about the depression. She is the only one besides my supervisor who I discussed the accusation about me smelling like alcohol with. She was supportive through all of that and me getting help. Mostly I talked to her because it took so long for my supervisor to handle the situation and let me go get help. She is aware of problems I had with him. So of all the people who could take over, this is probably best.

It is a little concerning that we have clashed at times. A while back an employee (who later quit) told my supervisor that this person had challenged my authority. Really it's just a personality thing. We both try to fix things as soon as possible and feel strongly about things being done correctly, so it seems like we argue. I have learned to pick my battles. If I go to her and clearly explain what should be done, she will listen and respect my opinion. Occasionally, she will ask me to do something and I will politely ask for it to be handled differently. Like she had asked me to talk to someone about an issue with the money they give us for meals. I suggested she send an email. I basically just stared her down until she acknowledged I wasn't going to do it. I mean..  I didn't care about the issue and saw no reason I should have to handle it. I do worry that if she is officially my supervisor, these disagreements may be more complicated. I think I really just need to explain that this is because I have severe social anxiety and not that I am antisocial. I think if I actually explain that, she will respect my boundaries. She is one of the only people who know that I am not shift lead because they don't want me to be more stressed.

I don't like change, so I am worried. I have been lying to my supervisor about how I am doing because he asks and then immediately says that I seem to be doing well. That makes it hard to argue. I am worried about having to go to someone different and explain if I do need help, but I also don't think that she is so influenced by her own anxiety. I hope that what she knows is enough to keep her from trying to add to my responsibility. She also is much more direct in handling problems, so maybe I will finally be able to trust my supervisor to handle the problems I find rather than me having to go to the person directly or rely on the manager to handle it.

I just don't like change. This could be so positive, but I worry. I worry no matter what. I am just generally a mess. I hope that this will be a positive change. I am really barely coping. I really need to take my meds. I am honestly drinking less but mostly because I am tired of throwing up. I just want to sleep and work and nothing else. I know I need help, but I don't believe I can get better. I don't know what to tell anyone about it. I just want to work, sleep, and drink. That's basically my life now.

Just venting because I can't

I don't really discuss politics. I don't pretend to be fully informed on a lot of issues or have strong opinions. But I can't sleep and I have even cried tonight because I need to believe this election is a sick joke. I never believed that I lived in a country that would choose a man so obviously filled with hate to be president. I never liked Hilary, but I thought surely people could see that Trump is terrifying and hateful and should not be our leader. All night at work people were watching the coverage and everyone seemed so anxious and scared. I live in a red state. My state was never going to go another way and everyone knows that, but you could tell we were all counting on the rest of the country to be sane. I left work before the election was decided, and I only checked periodically because I didn't want to believe this would happen. I saw the results and truly tried to believe it was not happening. I finally emailed my mom at 4am because I had to say this to someone. She cried when Bush was elected, so I think she will understand me crying over Trump. I didn't even watch most of the debates because the man is horrible. I don't even mean just politics. As a person and a woman, he offends me. I hoped people would wake up and admit to nominating him as a joke and not a legitimate candidate. Tonight I fear for my country.

So I may delete this later. I have no desire to engage in political debates so don't bother trying to start one. I am now going to watch Netflix until I can sleep. I am so thankful not to work tonight because I don't want to hear this discussed. I need time to process what I truly believed could never happen.

AA meeting

Today didn't go exactly as planned. The plan was to sleep as late as possible, go to the grocery store, and go to work. Instead, I was woken by a text from my ex sponsor saying that today was my friend B's birthday and she hoped to see me at the women's meeting. I considered ignoring the text and going back to sleep. I considered replying and saying that I am a terrible person and just couldn't handle being around people. I decided that while I am currently avoiding everyone, I may someday want to do more than hide in my apartment.. so it's probably best not to burn too many bridges. These 2 people have reached out to me despite my avoiding everyone. So I reset my alarm to earlier to make the meeting.

I got there about 10 minutes early. I wished B happy birthday. She definitely seemed surprised to see me. I chatted briefly with her about what she's doing. My ex sponsor arrived and hugged me. It was obvious from how long they both hugged me that they have been worried. I didn't talk about how I am doing. My disappearance is pretty self explanatory. I didn't talk in the meeting. I was just trying not to cry. I don't even know why I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't keep it together and talk. After the meeting, I said goodbye to B. She asked if she would see me again soon. I didn't really know what to say.. I said yes but didn't know when I would see her. I settled on saying I would text her because I really did need to leave and get to work. I think I will see if she wants to do lunch or something soon. I didn't want to commit to being at more meetings if I didn't know that I would actually be able to.

So I was a bit off when I got to work. I was depressed and anxious. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. I managed to make it through.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. We have repeatedly planned and postponed lunch. Once she hurt her knee. Once I cancelled after spending the night before throwing up. I really don't want to go. I don't want to drive. I don't want to talk, but again I can only avoid her so long before she stops asking. So I will go. I will try to seem ok. I have no interest in talking about what's going on. I am just trying not to burn bridges. I am trying to act as if someday I may want to have friends. I am trying to act as if there is a future when more than once recently I have woken up and lay in bed wanting desperately to die. Eventually, the feeling passes, so I should probably try to maintain friendships as if I plan to live. I just wish it wasn't acting. I wish I wanted to see people and do things and have a future. I guess acting is the best I can manage right now.

Laugh or cry

The last couple days at work have not been the greatest. I have been a bit crazy. Monday there was not enough work and that always makes me anxious. I always hate delegating. I don't like telling people what to do. I do it because my supervisor doesn't do it, and so people come to me. But with almost nothing to do, there was a lot of down time and I was super anxious. My supervisor snapped at me, and I may have nearly snapped at another analyst. Add to that the fact that my supervisor has decided we should take breaks together. The company got a basketball hoop, so he wants everyone to go out and play. I have never liked basketball. Monday even watching them play made me so tired that I thought I might cry. I tried one pathetic shot, but I am also embarrassingly weak these days. Some combination of exhaustion, being out of shape, and probably malnutrition since half my calories come from alcohol.

Monday night I had a dream about work. I had a dream that someone had mistyped sample numbers for an entire plate on a machine. Nobody noticed until the data was imported into the computer and had overwritten 96 closed reports. I woke up panicking. I had to convince myself that it was only a nightmare. It was not a premonition. It was not my subconscious trying to tell me that I had seen something Monday on one of the machines but not acknowledged it. That I had seen a mistake and forgotten. It was not a warning about what was going to happen when I got to work. I wasn't even out of bed and I was having to convince myself that I wasn't going to spend my day fixing problems my brain was trying to prepare me for. Tell myself I didn't need to go around and look at every machine to see if I could find something.

So I was not in a good mood when I got to work. I wanted to cry. I still went to work. I still distributed work and planned what we would do. I admittedly hoarded work. I took a short lunch because I knew that either me or another analyst would get to work on a plate, and I wanted it. Admittedly, my coworker doesn't seem to mind having nothing to do as much as I do. I did tell a coworker about the dream, which she thought was hilarious. I didn't explain the panic that followed. The dream is funny if you don't pay attention to the crazy amount of anxiety causing these dreams.

Last night was miserable. I threw up multiple times. I stayed up until 5 watching TV and trying to eat/drink. I didn't get out of bed until 2 today. At one point, I woke up wanting to die. I seriously wanted to get up and take a bunch of pills, and all I could do was stay in bed. All I could do was stay where I couldn't take anything and go back to sleep. So I haven't done a lot today. I am just trying to rest and take it easy.