Laugh or cry

The last couple days at work have not been the greatest. I have been a bit crazy. Monday there was not enough work and that always makes me anxious. I always hate delegating. I don't like telling people what to do. I do it because my supervisor doesn't do it, and so people come to me. But with almost nothing to do, there was a lot of down time and I was super anxious. My supervisor snapped at me, and I may have nearly snapped at another analyst. Add to that the fact that my supervisor has decided we should take breaks together. The company got a basketball hoop, so he wants everyone to go out and play. I have never liked basketball. Monday even watching them play made me so tired that I thought I might cry. I tried one pathetic shot, but I am also embarrassingly weak these days. Some combination of exhaustion, being out of shape, and probably malnutrition since half my calories come from alcohol.

Monday night I had a dream about work. I had a dream that someone had mistyped sample numbers for an entire plate on a machine. Nobody noticed until the data was imported into the computer and had overwritten 96 closed reports. I woke up panicking. I had to convince myself that it was only a nightmare. It was not a premonition. It was not my subconscious trying to tell me that I had seen something Monday on one of the machines but not acknowledged it. That I had seen a mistake and forgotten. It was not a warning about what was going to happen when I got to work. I wasn't even out of bed and I was having to convince myself that I wasn't going to spend my day fixing problems my brain was trying to prepare me for. Tell myself I didn't need to go around and look at every machine to see if I could find something.

So I was not in a good mood when I got to work. I wanted to cry. I still went to work. I still distributed work and planned what we would do. I admittedly hoarded work. I took a short lunch because I knew that either me or another analyst would get to work on a plate, and I wanted it. Admittedly, my coworker doesn't seem to mind having nothing to do as much as I do. I did tell a coworker about the dream, which she thought was hilarious. I didn't explain the panic that followed. The dream is funny if you don't pay attention to the crazy amount of anxiety causing these dreams.

Last night was miserable. I threw up multiple times. I stayed up until 5 watching TV and trying to eat/drink. I didn't get out of bed until 2 today. At one point, I woke up wanting to die. I seriously wanted to get up and take a bunch of pills, and all I could do was stay in bed. All I could do was stay where I couldn't take anything and go back to sleep. So I haven't done a lot today. I am just trying to rest and take it easy.