I dreamt about work last night. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. Several coworkers admitted to dreaming about work. One was pretty funny.. she said that they told her to find work in the lab because she wasn't able to answer the phone correctly. She went into the lab, and they were baking tarts.
My dreams were less funny. I claimed to not remember them because the only one I do remember was me talking to the medical director and him asking about the cuts on my wrist. In my dream, he asked about them and I showed him the scars on my arms.
I did go to work without a bandage on today. I did feel like people were staring at points, but I didn't care.
I was still preoccupied about the stuff with my supervisor. I did tell my coworker that I wanted to wait until she was there to tell the manager about it. I have told her some about the personal stuff because I know her from school. I told her the truth. I told her I don't trust the supervisor not to try to blame this on my mental health or personal issues. I don't trust him to try to make this about me. She kinda agreed and said to just keep an eye on him until Friday. She did say I could tell the manager some of it and hint at the fact that we needed to talk to her. She is one of the only ones who knows that certain decisions have been made to avoid causing me stress. That's why I am not shift lead. I assume it's why I don't do qc cases. They obviously trust me to since for a while they let me do the pull of unclosed cases with nobody else there to help, and the pull includes qc cases. When they added people to qc rotation, I assume that either they didn't want to increase my stress or they wanted me to be able to do other tasks. So she understands that he shouldn't be making me do them.
I talked to her about the reconfirmations and various things. I also explained the situation to the lead analyst. I mentioned what had happened. I mentioned him not getting reconfirmations done and making me do regular cases. I mentioned having to try to get him to understand that more than one person needed to work on them. She asked about how things are when she isn't there. I told her. I told her about having to handle everything. I mentioned things he doesn't do. I explained the things I have told him about that he hasn't communicated to anyone else. I didn't bring up my personal issues, but I did say that it causes me more stress. She agreed about talking to the manager. She asked me to tell her what I need mentioned to everyone about mistakes I am catching so she can bring it up in the meetings since my supervisor won't. I ranted about him not putting priority on reconfirmations, about him not being clear about what I am responsible for on days she isn't there. Am I lead or is he? If he is, then I am having to do his job. If I am, he isn't really telling me what to do. We talked a while about all this. I am happy she acknowledged that I should be able to tell someone these problems and have them dealt with. That I am in an awkward position where I tell him what is going on that shouldn't be, and he does nothing. She did seem to agree that the qc thing isn't reasonable. So I will let her know tomorrow what needs to be brought up in the meetings. I will send an email about what I have done this weekend that wasn't necessary. I will watch my supervisor Monday and Tuesday to see what I need to address. I probably won't say anything until Friday when I have someone to support me because I am afraid he will try to blame this on me not being able to cope with stress. I don't want to be the only one to bring it up because I don't want it to become about me.
So I hope I can manage. I will try to organize my thoughts. I will continue to make sure work gets done. I just want to make it clear that I am not the only one seeing this. I am not only saying something because I can't cope. I am not bringing it up because I am stressed. I am bringing it up because I am legitimately concerned that he doesn't take things seriously. I tried to explain to the lead how he doesn't seem to understand how many reruns there are. He doesn't understand how the mistakes people make only make them take longer. I honestly don't think he understands. Thankfully, she agreed. She validated all I have seen.
I really hate conflict. I hate that I have had to go to the manager repeatedly about my supervisor. He gets better for a while and then it goes bad again. I don't expect this job to be stress free, but I want him to do his job to avoid causing me unnecessary stress. He knows about my mental health issues and tells me to tell him if anyone is causing me stress, but the truth is that the person causing me stress is him. I don't expect to be stress free, but I know that his behavior increases the work I have to do. The lead said she worries about days she isn't there, and I have to do so many extra things when she isn't. The fact is that she was made lead to minimize my stress. I was lead. I was asked if I would prefer not to be, and I said yes. I don't know exactly what they told her, but that is what they asked me. So it defeats the purpose of this decision if when she isn't there I get asked to handle everything. The problem is that it has never been clearly communicated if I am in charge or the supervisor. If he is, then he isn't doing his job. If I am, then he isn't really letting me do it.
So I don't know what will happen. I am trying not to think about it too much and just work. I enjoy the weekend because the supervisor isn't there. Monday I will go back to observing how he acts. I probably won't mention anything until someone is there to support me. I don't want this to be about my stress because it is affecting everyone.
Tonight I hope not to dream about work. I want to actually rest. I want at least some time where work isn't all I think about.
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