Fine

I apologize for ranting so much lately. I don't really talk to people except at work, so I need someone to talk to.

I started today with therapy because she had to cancel last week. I normally have therapy on my day off. Having to go to work after is always rough. I am emotional and have to shut that down and work.

Well then this happened. I heard the manager and my supervisor talking quietly and obviously trying not to be overhead. All I heard was my supervisor say "I didn't overreact". Being paranoid and self centered, my first thought is that it was about our conversation last week about how I am doing. I didn't really trust him when he said it was off the record.

I tried not to give in to the paranoia, but I couldn't. I had been sitting with a trainee doing reconfirmations. I waited until he went back to his desk because he had been reading over my shoulder as I asked the supervisor about some things on the cases. I didn't like him doing it, but I was trying to be normal and try to train like I am not paranoid and awkward. He went back to his desk and I messaged my supervisor to ask if he told the manager what we discussed because I get worried. I don't trust him not to tell, but in the past he has been honest about telling people if asked. He said he didn't. He said he told her he talked to me, and I seemed fine. That he had told me to talk to him if anyone was causing me stress.

For some reason his answer was appropriate, but I doubt we interpret it the same way. I have spent so much time in treatment. I have been told fine is not a feeling. I have heard the acronym for fine

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

So I am fine, but I doubt in the way he meant. I think he means that I am well or better. I am not well. I am functioning. I am working. I am apparently doing well at that.

However, I am a mess. I live in a messy apartment. I don't talk to any of my friends. I work, I drink, and I sleep. That's it. I am anxious for the majority of the time. I am exhausted. I am not functional. I hate my life. I am neurotic. I pick at my skin. I cut. I have to force myself to eat and sleep.

So when he said I was fine, it seemed about right, but only if you have been trained to believe that word means nothing. I wonder what he believes. I doubt it is the same.

But is there any point in telling them? How does one ask for help when you believe nobody can help you? Why explain that you are always stressed when they can't do anything because the stress isn't logical.

So I don't ask for help. I cry for help. I pick. I cut my wrist. I shake. I hope that someone else knows what to do when I don't. I hope that someone asks because I don't know what to say. I hope they have ideas because I feel hopeless. I need someone else's hope. I need them to value me because I feel worthless. I just don't know how to tell anyone. I see no point.

So I obsess over conversations I don't have. I want to tell him that I am not fine or that fine means something very different. I instead worked. I told my therapist that I want my supervisor to take charge of things and not rely so much on me when the lead isn't there. What did I do? I told him what was going to happen. I assigned tasks. I gave a plate to the other analyst. I supervised the trainee pulling reruns and then told him which to get. I assigned the TNRs to them and interrupted to make sure he was trained properly by the other analyst. I decided what I could manage and told the supervisor to give the other analyst certain work. I basically did what I told my therapist I didn't want to do. I was lead analyst, and the manager took it away to minimize my stress. This was her idea. However when the lead isn't there, I still have to do it because otherwise things don't get done. He becomes focused on his job, and everyone comes to me for directions. I had to suggest that the trainee learn TNRs. I made sure they were done the best way (there's a whole other issue with the analyst training him and that). I gave the plate to the other analyst because I am faster at reconfirmations. I don't know how it would have gone if I just left it to the supervisor. Maybe he would have suggested the same. But I feel guilty not only for my work but for everyone else's. I feel bad if I didn't do enough or if I could somehow have helped them do more or better.

So I am tired. I am anxious. I am fine, but I am not well. I am drinking and cutting and watching TV in order to forget it all. I need help but don't think anyone can help me. So I am ranting. Now I should probably just go to bed.