Sick and tired

Either I am getting sick or my body is rebelling against how I treat it. After days of nausea, I had to leave work an hour early last night because nothing would stay down. I probably should have eaten more than applesauce for dinner but whatever. I was also suddenly cold with muscle aches, which is a new symptom, and despite sleeping the night before I was exhausted.

So I went home and spent the evening throwing up or in bed trying not to. I couldn't sleep, so I eventually drank vodka and had a Lara bar and went back to bed. I woke every couple hours because I couldn't get comfortable.

This morning I thought I heard a knock on the door and then proceeded to dream that someone fell from the air vent into my bedroom. I woke up and panicked because while I knew that obviously was a dream, I didn't know if someone knocked on the door. So after laying there in a panic, I made myself decent and went to look. I looked through the peephole and then quickly opened the door to check nothing was hanging on it. It was fine. I had a couple shots and went back to bed.

I finally got up exhausted and shaking and my muscles still ached. I went to pick up medication from the pharmacy knowing I would need the Vyvanse. I was starving and went to chik-FIL-a and Walmart. Now I'm at work and so anxious. The supervisor isn't here and I have 1 other analyst and a trainee and far too much work for 3 people. I texted the manager after she left to clarify the priority of what we have since clearly we can't do everything. Then I took anxiety medicine and tried not to appear as upset as I am. Thank god I have tomorrow off because the stress is not helping whatever my body is upset over.

Well, I survived. I couldn't stop thinking that we weren't getting enough done, but really I couldn't have done more. If others could, well, not for me to judge. I kept checking in on the other 2 to make sure things were going ok. They kept saying yes. I ended up doing 29 cases, importing 2 plates, 7 stat TNR cases, and 31 reruns. I stayed until around 1:20, but let the other 2 leave closer to midnight. I also had to send the nightly updates and keep the various log books. I was feeling shaky and flushed which made me feel very self conscious (I also did something stupid but don't want to go into it). I am more nervous lately that someone will discover this blog. Anyway, I kept picking at my face which I think is why I was flushed. Plus it was warm. I apologized to the trainee a couple times for bugging them about what they were doing because I just wanted to make sure they wrapped up on time and things were organized. I mean I ran around a bit like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get as much done as possible and not miss anything. I still am stressed. I am afraid they will try to get me to come in on my day off, which I doubt, but I really need the days off. I need to clean. I need to get groceries. I need to sleep. I did go and buy cereal after work. Tonight the only things that sounded good were Rice Krispies and almond milk. I don't know. So I am having that and skittles for dinner. Tomorrow I will try to buy some other options. I need to get back to functioning which includes drinking less and trying to eat better. And by better I actually mean more calories for once, and not just in the form of applesauce.

I started taking my antidepressant again and picked up the new/old mood stabilizer. I took the Vyvanse and Vistaril to survive work. I swear I am trying to make things work.