Wondering

I have been wondering lately. I am wondering what people think of me. I am wondering what they know about me. I am wondering what they say about me when I'm not there.

I don't know if the picture will upload, but it explains why. My face is a mess. I can't stop picking. I wonder what my coworkers think. Do they think it's anxiety? Do they think I'm on drugs? Do they think I'm crazy?

Then I wonder what else they're aware of. How much do they notice my scars? My behavior. My words. I know I have said weird things in the past. I know I used to pace. I know that I have done everything possible at times to avoid using the phone.

Recently a coworker tried to get me to talk to the payroll person about something. I suggested she said an email both because I don't want to talk to people I don't know and because I didn't think I should have to do it for her. After that she made a comment that she knew I wouldn't talk to the person. I don't think she understands that I am not antisocial. I have severe social anxiety. There's a difference.

I wonder if they have figured out why I have taken so much time off this year. I didn't tell anyone in advance, so I don't know if they asked and what was said.

I know none of this is my business. It's not my problem. I just can't help wondering how crazy I really seem to them. I even considered asking someone but decided that would just make it worse. I am worried about this week and if anyone is going to try to talk to me about what's going on. I don't want to think or talk about it. I don't want to try to figure out what to do about it. I am well aware that things are bad. I am aware that the drinking is out of control. It's becoming apparent that my body is suffering.

Instead, I am focusing on work. I am thinking about it and dreaming about it. It at least gives me some purpose. I don't know what else I have to live for at times, so I focus on work. I don't know what the point of this post was. I just needed to vent.