To tell the truth?

I am still not feeling entirely well. I spent last night throwing up after spending the day laying on my parent's couch trying to sleep. I finally gave up on food and just had a few shots and went to bed.

Today physically I am a bit better. My body doesn't hurt as much. I ate lunch before work and brought cereal for dinner. I swear that when I was walking across the parking lot, I thought I might cry. I just felt like I was sinking.

I held it together ok until I was leaving. My supervisor asked how I was doing and said that he knows I wasn't feeling well the other day. I said I was ok. I could tell he didn't believe me. I mean I am back to having spots and scabs all over my face from picking at it while I am at work. I also hesitated a little too long feeling I should say something more, but I couldn't come up with something. I wanted to say something about the other night, but I am afraid he's already assumed it was alcohol related. It might have been, or I might have had a virus. I thought about saying I have been stressed, but I don't know if it makes any difference admitting it. I don't think I should say that I think I came back to work too soon or that my depression is worse and I am afraid I will just end up back in the hospital. I don't think I should say that I cried my first day back and cut myself when I went home. I don't know what to say. So I said I am ok and I left. I have been playing through ways I could have answered ever since, but I don't know. It feels pointless. I don't want to admit to the drinking. I don't want to admit to feeling hopeless. I don't want to make it worse, but I am not sure lying isn't also making it worse. I know I can't hide it entirely. I know from his face he is already concerned. I want to talk about it, but I am still terrified of losing the job because I really think I would kill myself if I did. So for now I am just saying I am fine and thinking over what to do. He wants to help, but I don't know how he can. It feels hopeless. So I left feeling like crying all over again. I also don't know if they talk about me when I am not there. Are they all concerned or are does the manager think I am better. I don't know. I won't unless she says something.

I think what I want to say is that being back has been a lot harder than I expected. That I am not sure I was totally ready. I am not eating enough because the stress is killing my appetite. I am sleeping poorly. I am doing the best I can, whether that's good enough or not. If he specifically asks about drinking, what I can say (because it is true) is that I have not and will not drink at a time or in any way that would compromise the quality and accuracy of my work. I wouldn't be this stressed all the time if I didn't care about not making mistakes. I would prefer not to discuss the drinking at all, but saying that might sound bad. I may or may not be able to say any of that. I have until Monday before I see him again. I am just hoping for a reasonably smooth weekend.

Editing this later. I might have been stupid and cut my wrist again. It's bleeding more than expected but should be fine. I have pressure on it and hope not to need to see a doctor. I am such an idiot. I should know better than to use that knife when drunk.

It's mostly stopped bleeding, but I am an idiot.