Day off

So I have today off, and I really wanted to not think about work. That didn't work out.

I told myself not to check my email, but I did. I read an email from the medical director about a case I sent him to look at and realized I might have forgotten something yesterday. I thought about leaving it until Friday when I work because I couldn't deal with it from home. I settled on forwarding the email to a coworker and asking her to look into it. I worried about bothering someone and admitting I may have missed something, but I decided it was better to make sure someone handled it and not wait until I was there. She replied pretty quickly and it was all OK.

I went to bed around 6am and slept until 3pm. I went to Target for groceries and had lunch. I got home and keep thinking about work. I wonder if I should tell them I can't keep doing reconfirmations because I am struggling with the stress. I think about trying to explain the hospital experience so they understand that I didn't spend the time I was off resting. I spent it inpatient and scared of other patients and having anxiety attacks. I spent it outpatient having my choice to be independent criticized and being told I should move home. I was not mentally well when I came back to work. I was tired and doubting my ability to get better. Then add in work stress, and I am not coping well. I feel like I should tell them. I feel like it's only a matter of time until I kill myself. I don't have hope.

I doubt I will say any of this. Work is so much of my life and a great distraction from all my failure. It is my own weakness that makes it difficult. I hope tomorrow to think about it less. I guess I will see.