Hopeless

I am struggling. Alive but struggling. I am exhausted. It has been so hard getting out of bed the past few days. I am sleeping, but I guess not well. Last night was weird. More than once I thought I heard someone knock on the door. The first time I stayed in the kitchen hoping if someone was there that they would go away. The second time I did go look after a couple minutes and nobody was there. I think maybe they knocked on a neighbor's door and my paranoid self immediately assumed it was mine. It is the weird thing about my apartment. I can hear anything outside my door very clearly but not through the walls. It doesn't help that Nermal's new thing is to sit in the window and meow loudly at anyone outside. She has always spied on the neighbors but now she sits and meows at them. Such a weird little cat. But it just puts me more on edge.

I had therapy today and it was hard. I am feeling very hopeless. My life is a mess. I told her some of it.. the not checking my email, not talking to friends, and that basically I only really function at work. That I am terrified that eventually I won't be able to function at work, and then I don't know what will happen. I am already so paranoid that people talk about me. I worry they see me pick at my skin and assume I am on drugs. I worry that they think that my anxiety is a sign I am not qualified for the job. I don't know of they realize how anxious I am. We're supposed to be introducing ourselves to people in other departments, and I haven't because I feel like that's just going to allow more people to judge me or gossip.

I think that people think I'm antisocial or mean or angry rather than realizing that I am scared. I am scared to walk into the lab. I am scared to have to talk to anyone other than the analysts. I have no logical reason to be so terrified, but I am. I have ceased to interact with people outside of work. I don't talk to friends. I only talk to my parents. I don't think anyone without this kind of anxiety can understand that it is scary to even have someone say hello to me.

I am failing at life. I have several things I need to do. I lost my debit card a few weeks ago and need to switch the payments for a hospital bill, my student loans, and my toll tag to the new card. Somehow I just can't. I can't open my computer to go online and do it. I sure as hell can't call. So I am risking ruining my credit score by avoiding it. I am not functioning.

I don't know what to do. I don't see a way out of this. I only see it getting worse.

I want to sleep for days in the hope of getting better. My body isn't cooperating. I am still throwing up some nights. We were supposed to be using the basketball hoop they got at work, and it's pathetic how week my arms are. I don't know if I am tired or maybe malnourished because of the alcohol. I struggled to carry my laundry basket to the car today. My mom bugged me about getting my oil changed and added more responsibility to avoid. I also need new tires.

So I am alive, but I don't really qualify as a functioning human being anymore. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to sleep. How did it get this bad? And how on earth do I fix it? Or have I gone to far to fix this? Because I only see it getting worse.

Sorry for being such a downer. I don't know how to be anything else right now. I am sorry if the long silence between posts worried anyone. I feel bad writing the same things again and again, but I will try not to disappear for so long between posts. I will try to write at least enough, so that you know I am alive.