First day back

I got the release from my psychiatrist to return to work. It was actually a decent appointment compared to the last time (which ended in him saying he wasn't going to try to treat my depression because of the drinking). He actually suggested me starting Lamictal again, which I had been thinking about. He seems to be leaning towards believing that I am bipolar and not just depressed. Mainly due to it not responding to medication. I told him about the hospital stay. I said I was eager to go back to work, and he was perfectly fine with it.

Work was crazy. The manager was clearly happy to see me. She filled me in on updates and said she was glad I was doing better. My supervisor thankfully wasn't there. The boss told me I was looking well and hugged me, which I assume means they told her where I was. That or I looked worse than I thought before I left. My coworker who is the only one I told besides the supervisor/manager said I looked rested. I then spent 8 hours closing reruns and cried walking to my car at midnight. I told them I couldn't work late because I was exhausted and had a headache and was pretty sure I would cry. I haven't done that many reruns in a long time, and it felt like I accomplished nothing in a full day. Now I am home sitting writing this and thinking of cutting. I get to go back tomorrow and try again. I think I put on a brave face when I got there but didn't acknowledge that this place can make me crazy. It is exhausting and stressful and I don't know if I am ready for it. I just don't know what else to do with myself than work.

So hopefully it will get better and not worse once I am used to it again. It was nice how happy people were to see me. It was nice to be wanted and needed somewhere. I just hope I can handle it and am not about to end up in the hospital again because of it.