Rough morning

Not having a good day, and I haven't even gotten to work.

I woke up because a friend texted me before it was even 7am about our lunch plans for tomorrow. I didn't even read the texts, although admittedly she apologized and said she meant to send it later.

Then before 9 my ex-sponsor called. I seriously don't know if she has never realized that I am not awake that early or doesn't care. She used to do it a lot and seem a bit judgemental that I was in bed, but given the hours I usually work.. I just don't do morning. Anyway, she asked what I was doing and we chatted. She said she thinks about me. I know I haven't been to many meetings lately, and people probably worry. Honestly though, I wanted to cry when I got off the phone. I am still not over what she did. Talking to her makes me feel lonely and abandoned and worthless. She chose to stop being my sponsor at the worst possible time, and I know it is very much a part of why I ended up in hospital and relapsing. I know that's because clearly our boundaries weren't good.. but still.

So I couldn't go back to sleep. I have been getting this feeling lately like I am being strangled, and I honestly don't know if it's anxiety or something with my heart. I tried to take my anxiety medicine with some vodka and ended up throwing up. I finally settled on watching Grey's Anatomy for a few hours until I was ready to get up. I actually fell asleep a few minutes before having to get up and get ready for work. I am exhausted and wanted desperately to call in sick, but I would feel too guilty.

I think it will be a rough day. I also know I cannot really explain why if anyone asks because the sponsor thing is complicated. How do you explain how that short of a conversation with someone who is still a friend can make you want to die? So I will fake being fine. I hope nobody says anything and that work isn't too crazy.