Denial

I would love to say that things are getting better but not exactly.

I did try to tell my new supervisor what is going on. I mainly brought it up because I am struggling to keep it together at work and she has been talking about me being lead on certain days and giving me more responsibility. It's nice being trusted, but I wanted her to realize that I am struggling. So I told her I was more depressed but couldn't bring myself to say suicidal. I expressed concern that I am less patient with certain coworkers. Other than saying I should talk to my doctor, she didn't seem too concerned. Today she mentioned talking to the manager about the lead thing and mentioning that things seem to be going better for me. Somehow that's what she took away from our conversation? I guess because when she asked if it was about work and things there I said that work was better since the other supervisor changed to day shift. Still that wasn't the point of what I told her.

So now I am not sure how to handle things. Do I go to the manager and clarify or just drop it?

I threw up at work and again as soon as I got home and as I was standing there I had this thought that I wonder if what's causing the vomiting has to do with my liver. I was struck by the fact that I have made no effort to research the cause of this. I vaguely assumed that alcohol was the cause but not actually allowed myself to think about what was happening. I think I just accepted that the solution is to not drink and since that seems impossible, why bother finding out what is happening. I just keep trying every possible solution besides that. I have tried nausea medicine, all sorts of foods and eating schedules, antacids (because I am also now having excruciating heartburn), pepcid AC, pepto bismol, ginger, allergy medicine, mucinex.. anything I can get without seeing a doctor. I have begun considering asking a doctor for prescription nausea medicine, but I hesitate because they will probably want to figure out the cause and may very well just tell me not to drink rather than helping manage the symptoms. I know that the heartburn is probably due to the vomiting because in the past purging has also caused reflux and slow digestion. I started becoming mildly concerned yesterday because I threw up after midnight and definitely tasted the chicken I had for lunch before work, and that isn't normal.

This all got me thinking about work again and that perhaps I should talk to the manager. Perhaps I should tell her that I am not better. I should tell her that I am physically ill and mentally ill. I should mention that there may be something very wrong with me and that I may eventually need time off or be too sick to work because my health only seems to be getting worse and I am struggling to stay in denial about it. I am not scared of dying. I am however unsure how long I can keep this up. I mean eventually someone will notice if I keep throwing up at work. I almost want to tell her before that happens because I would rather acknowledge the possibility that I have seriously fucked up my body than have them draw the conclusion I am drunk or hungover at work. However, I know that another person's reaction to this would be different from mine. I shrug it off because I don't really care about dying. A normal person would probably freak out or worry because alcohol can cause pretty serious problems and the fact that I can't go a single day without vomiting multiple times is probably not just allergies or blood sugar. And if nothing else the vomiting itself can cause problems with my throat and my heart.

Thankfully I don't work again until Friday. I do see my therapist Thursday and will probably be honest about my health. I have a feeling she will want me to see a doctor. I have considered going to urgent care on my day off to see if I can at least get medicine for the nausea and prevent more damage. I am tempted to try to find somewhere other than the one urgent care place since the doctor might remember me from the times I went to get stitches and that could be awkward. I will see how I feel in the morning. Maybe by then I will be back to denial and not caring. It all comes and goes.

Sorry for being a downer again, but I felt like I should write while I am thinking somewhat realistically about the situation. I doubt I will keep thinking about it so clearly for very long.