Probably impossible wish

So I seriously can't remember the last time I made it 24 hours without vomiting. I really don't think my body is digesting food properly anymore because I feel so full after meals. I managed most of thanksgiving. I didn't eat a whole lot..  but that's also because my parents still think I'm vegetarian. We went out to brunch and I am limited to vegetarian stuff, which is fine because I don't like turkey or seafood and am disgusted by the prime rib the buffet had. I had mashed potatoes (so good), a bit of waffle, salad, and fruit.. plus some pie. I ate awkwardly slowly because I didn't want to be sick. I also had dinner which was pasta.. that only stayed down until I got home and drank. Today I was sick this morning but have managed ok since.

Last night I forgot to bring my laundry inside when I got home. I went downstairs and got it, and I was exhausted and sore from bringing the one basket upstairs. I am seriously wondering if something is wrong with me.

I have been thinking about all this. What I really wish at this point is to go to the hospital for 2-3 days.. to be admitted to a medical ward rather than a psych ward and detox. I just want them to watch my blood pressure and all that. They can give me something for detox and maybe nausea. I can lay in bed, preferably on benzos until the most serious risk passes. I do not want to go to a psych ward because the past few stays I have found groups to make things worse. The short time I am there isn't enough to fix my meds. I want to just sit in a room and not pretend that they can fix all my issues. I just want to detox without worrying I might die. I want something to help me sleep. I can then continue with my therapist and doctor to work on everything else. It would mean less wasted time. It would also mean making sure I haven't fucked up my heart or stomach with the alcohol and not eating properly.

Problem is that I don't know if this is possible. I think any hospital would try to transfer me to a psych ward or send me home thinking I am just seeking drugs.. which I guess I am but only for the time I am there. I don't expect any sane doctor to send me home with a prescription for Ativan or Librium (not that I would say no) because that's dangerous. I just know that the first 2 nights are scary, so I would like something to make it through those and then I can go back to just my usual meds.

I don't even know why I am mentioning this. I may bring it up with my therapist next week. I guess I am frustrated knowing that going inpatient at any of the hospitals I have been to is probably going to take longer than I want and possibly do more harm than good.

I managed at least to act normal for a couple days. I saw a movie with my mom yesterday. Today we went shopping. Admittedly, we got home around 7pm, and I couldn't stop yawning. I am not normally awake before noon and haven't slept well. We went to 4 stores total. They wanted a new Christmas tree. I got 2 sweatshirts, new towels, and a new bra on good sales. But I was just exhausted by the end. I hope I can sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have work, and I am still expecting to break down there in the near future because I am just exhausted and overwhelmed by life. Taking it one day at a time..