AA meeting

Today didn't go exactly as planned. The plan was to sleep as late as possible, go to the grocery store, and go to work. Instead, I was woken by a text from my ex sponsor saying that today was my friend B's birthday and she hoped to see me at the women's meeting. I considered ignoring the text and going back to sleep. I considered replying and saying that I am a terrible person and just couldn't handle being around people. I decided that while I am currently avoiding everyone, I may someday want to do more than hide in my apartment.. so it's probably best not to burn too many bridges. These 2 people have reached out to me despite my avoiding everyone. So I reset my alarm to earlier to make the meeting.

I got there about 10 minutes early. I wished B happy birthday. She definitely seemed surprised to see me. I chatted briefly with her about what she's doing. My ex sponsor arrived and hugged me. It was obvious from how long they both hugged me that they have been worried. I didn't talk about how I am doing. My disappearance is pretty self explanatory. I didn't talk in the meeting. I was just trying not to cry. I don't even know why I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't keep it together and talk. After the meeting, I said goodbye to B. She asked if she would see me again soon. I didn't really know what to say.. I said yes but didn't know when I would see her. I settled on saying I would text her because I really did need to leave and get to work. I think I will see if she wants to do lunch or something soon. I didn't want to commit to being at more meetings if I didn't know that I would actually be able to.

So I was a bit off when I got to work. I was depressed and anxious. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. I managed to make it through.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. We have repeatedly planned and postponed lunch. Once she hurt her knee. Once I cancelled after spending the night before throwing up. I really don't want to go. I don't want to drive. I don't want to talk, but again I can only avoid her so long before she stops asking. So I will go. I will try to seem ok. I have no interest in talking about what's going on. I am just trying not to burn bridges. I am trying to act as if someday I may want to have friends. I am trying to act as if there is a future when more than once recently I have woken up and lay in bed wanting desperately to die. Eventually, the feeling passes, so I should probably try to maintain friendships as if I plan to live. I just wish it wasn't acting. I wish I wanted to see people and do things and have a future. I guess acting is the best I can manage right now.