And that happened *TW*

So today was not much better than yesterday (see last post). Warning that this talks about self harm.
Around 2 this morning I had the brilliant drunken idea to cut myself. I honestly am only doing it once a week, which is much better than some periods in the past. Well of course I cut deeper than intended.. enough I was fairly certain I needed stitches. Well, this is after I had been drinking for a couple hours, so I was definitely not able to drive to the hospital. I also didn't want to wake any friends up to take me, and it seemed ridiculous to call an ambulance for a still fairly small cut. I managed eventually to get it mostly closed and bandaged and went to bed.

This morning I went to the liquor store and then the pharmacy to buy more bandages and those butterfly closure things. I get to work and it's opened up again. I try repeatedly to get it to stay closed. I finally go outside and call this urgent care place. I basically ask if it's been too many hours since it happened to get it stitched. They said they would have to look but there's not really a limit.

So I pull my supervisor aside. He had actually asked earlier if I was OK, and I kinda shrugged. Now (while mostly staring at the floor) tell him I need to get stitches and it would probably be too late after work. He said of course to get it taken care of and no need to discuss where the cut came from. I got someone to take my work and awkwardly left. One of my coworkers said something and I said it was just a doctor thing.

I went to an urgent care place not a hospital because 1. I figured it would be faster 2. No risk of a psychiatrist wanting to put me in a psych ward. This is how it went
Idiotic tech asks me where the cut came from and where it was. I say I did it and upper arm . She says "how did you get a knife up there?" And then "were you trying to dig something out?" And then thankfully leaves. I mean WTF? She comes back with nice doctor. At this point I was in just a tank top and she starts asking questions and starts looking at other scars. I do my best to sound like I'm not that depressed and see a doctor who knows I cut. I think I lost when she asked if there were any on my wrists and turned it over and saw those scars. She asks if I wanted to be transferred somewhere they could do a psychiatric consultation. I say no. She gives me 4 stitches and a prescription for antibiotics. A nurse puts on a dressing and I sit around waiting for forms. She comes back and says they want me to sign a form that I am discharging against medical advice since I won't let them transfer me to some kind of psych facility. I sign it because obviously that's not happening, and I go back to work. I was only gone about 2 hours. Nobody comments on the bright orange bandage around my arm, which I quickly decided I was not willing to wear at work and switch out for one of the ones in my purse (it's stocked with several varieties of bandaids actually). My supervisor doesn't say anything and I worked the rest of the shift.
I just did not expect that kind of doctor to make a huge deal of this and am glad again I didn't go to a hospital with psychiatrists around. The nurse when she gave me the AMA form was going on about how they don't want me to die and looked worried. It was not even a very big cut. Oh well.. I needed it done. Hopefully they won't react that way when I go back to get them taken out.

Bad day and paranoia fun *Trigger warning*

Today has been awful. It started awful and then got worse.

I woke up around 9am (I wonder if I didn't take my seroquel) and I can't do that. I cannot be awake and function before noon. My solution was to drink a few shots to help me sleep. It didn't really work. I probably stared at the wall for an hour before getting a little more sleep. I still have lines from Hamlet stuck and repeating in my head. So got to feeling a bit suicidal.

Finally got up with just enough time to shower, dress, and eat something before work. I even considered not showering but work..

I get to work and had to park on the street because the lot was full, and this is not a good part of town, so that always makes me paranoid about something happening to the car.

I get inside and the daytime manager asks to talk to me. I go to her desk. While I'm standing there, the daytime supervisor like straightens the sleeve of my scrub (you know the edge can fold up). Paranoia now because I have scars that sometimes show if I don't have longer sleeves. So is she just fixing it because she is a bit ocd, or is she pulling it down so the scars or parts I have been picking at will be more covered.

Then the manager asked how early I can work sundays. I hesitated and said maybe noon. She suggested 10. I said ok because I can't really tell her that I am not always sober by then or that my depression makes it hard to stop staring at the ceiling until at least 1.

I go to my desk. At some point I see her ask my supervisor something, and he gestures towards me. A few hours later I asked him (over instant messenger because awkward) what was said because I had been obsessing for hours. He said she asked why I can't work Sunday morning, and he said church. I haven't been to church in months because of anxiety. I told him I said it was fine.

The tremors were so bad today. I worried because my supervisor watched me lift my cup of water with 2 hands because it was so bad. I really was afraid he would comment. I also couldn't stop picking at my skin. I was pretty much holding a stress ball any time I wasn't typing. I didn't even care if it looked weird. Later my blood pressure was so high (I can tell by the tightness of my throat and chest) I was actually worried. At some point I got up and (stress ball in hand) just walked down the stairs and back up just to not be sitting.

I did kinda say some things to him and one girl about pretty much only sleeping and working. She said the same thing but she means going to bed late and not sleeping 12 hours a day. So who knows how they took that.

I really want to tell someone, but I am afraid it will go badly. I don't know if they will understand that the tremors and the blood pressure stuff is because I am SOBER at work and not drunk. I don't think they could fire me just for being an alcoholic, but they could probably find an excuse. I want to tell someone because I think I need more help. I know that having "who would fardels bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the fear of something after death. The undiscovered country, from whose bourne no traveler returns puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of." Repeating (actually the whole thing) in my head is not good. I know that DTs are a bad thing, and I am really worried when my chest feels tight when I am at work.
But I don't know. I feel like if they ask, I should be honest because I have no good lie, and just hope that the bosses (who study drugs) will understand what is happening or will try to

Major trigger warning
Editing to add that just managed on accident to cut myself deep enough I should probably get stitches. Problem is that I'm too drunk to drive and it isn't a cut worth calling an ambulance. So I have come up with enough first aid supplies to somewhat close it. There was much scrambling to find butterfly closures and make them stick. Wish me luck on this or maybe just sympathy. I can't convince myself to call a friend to drive me to a hospital and am a bit worried that they wouldn't consider this bad. I'm pretty good at first aid these days, so I am sure I can manage. Sorry that was really detailed and stuff on self harm, but I had to tell someone

The shirt

So I am not going to write anything terribly depressing today. I'm just going to share a random story.

So my kitten is weird. There's plenty evidence of that, but then there's this. I had a shirt that fell out of a laundry basket and I left on the floor for a few days. It's a shirt that I really dislike and never wear, which is why I didn't really care it was on the floor.

And then my kitten stole it. At first I thought it was really weird that it wasn't laying where it originally was. Then I saw her dragging the shirt around my apartment. She was dragging a whole shirt around the apartment by one of the sort of strings that tie by the neck. It then for several days would move from my bedroom to the living room and at one point I think it was in the kitchen.

Today I got up and she had hidden the shirt inside of one of these play cube things that she has. She dragged the whole shirt into it. I don't have the heart to take it back at this point (especially since I don't like that shirt). She went to the trouble to drag a shirt around my apartment, so it seems mean to take it away. What kind of cat steals clothing? I mean Mudge stole jewelry and hair ties but never clothing.

Anyway, the evidence

And the little thief

Friends

I guess I am mostly complaining today, so I apologize. A few days ago a friend from AA texted me to ask how I was. I was honest about being non-functional. I did then text her about hanging out today after the women's meeting, and she said yes. I later asked her if she could call to make sure I actually got out of bed in order to go to the meeting.

Today I woke up around 11 and couldn't fall back asleep, so I got up and showered and dressed. I texted my friend so she didn't need to call to make sure I was up.

Anyway, I made it to my first meeting in 2 weeks. My friend was also there. After the meeting, she told me that she had to spend the day at the house of another member of AA. She cleans their house but there was also something about him cooking lunch. She did invite me to go, but I couldn't handle that many people after hardly leaving the house for a couple weeks. Plus, I have had some bad experiences with going to that place, so I said no. I was really disappointed that she had agreed to hanging out and then done this. I think it was pretty obvious that I was upset or just generally not well.

I almost left and then decided to at least ask her about my psychiatrist's offer to give me Librium to detox if I would stay with someone and could meet them. I have been thinking about this for a couple weeks but wanted to talk to my friend in person (and also just generally been scared of phone calls). She said she would talk to the guy that shares the apartment and his girlfriend. I know her and her boyfriend she lives with, but I really haven't spoken to the other people.. only just a few words. I was proud of myself for asking because honestly I was upset enough that I wanted to just leave. Then I reminded myself that I would have to call her if I didn't ask, and the phone is much more terrifying

I don't know about the detox plan. I do know I am miserable. I also know that based on what I am experiencing now, I am scared of what will happen if I stop. That makes me scared to do it alone, but I am not willing to take time off work to detox in a hospital. I mean I work at a drug testing lab, so I feel no good could come of admitting to needing help for this.

I do want to be sober. I don't want to keep gaining weight. I don't like the tremors. I know I will reach a point where I can't hide how bad things are. I just would feel safer with someone else being there. When I got sober the last time, I would on multiple occasions take my blood pressure and wonder if I should go to the emergency room because it was really that high. Now add to that all the hallucination like stuff (my sponsor said they were more illusions than hallucination?). I an legitimately scared of detox. So I am glad I was honest. I have to wait to see what she says and also to get an appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't know what that will take.

Tonight, since I have nobody to spend time with, I am drinking alone with my cats... just like any other night

Positives (and some negatives)

So today I had therapy. It went well? I mean I did a little less staring at the floor and a little more talking. I was meant to buy a workbook discussed in my last appointment, which I bought but intentionally didn't bring because I needed to talk about my current situation. Honestly, when I explained the sleeping all the time and avoiding phone calls (like to make a psychiatrist appointment), her recommendation seemed to be a higher level of care. I don't know if she meant inpatient detox or actual rehab. I basically said that it's maybe been 2 months since I suddenly needed time off to go inpatient. It's pathetic to go again that soon. Plus, it's more complicated because I was willing to talk to certain coworkers about being depressed. I think it's a terrible idea to mention the alcohol to anyone. I mean we do drug testing. We (admittedly me too)make comments about samples. Comments on the quantity of whatever they had to be taking or how many things they aren't prescribed but are taking. I have commented on insanely high ethyl glucoronide or ethyl sulfate (ethanol metabolites) and silently wondered what mine would be. We talked about patients in rehabs and how they afford it or how they are still somehow using. That conversation just made me jealous of people that can afford these rehabs. I am often lately jealous of these patients (who all I know is their urine) who are in these places. But yeah... it seems a terrible idea to admit to the alcoholism. My supervisor recently asked if I was OK, and it was clear he meant something to do with my wrists or hands. I didn't know if it was the scars on my wrist or the tremors. I don't want to discuss the tremors. In my defense, having tremors implies I am not drunk at work. They mean I am sober, but I am not sure someone could understand that someone who drinks enough to cause withdrawals could be having these physical problems at work because she doesn't drink at work. To an alcoholic that makes sense. I am afraid to them they will associate the symptoms with alcoholism and therefore me being impaired at work. So I am scared to approach the topic. There is so much stigma at this place... not always. The boss boss has repeatedly reminded them that whatever the test results, we are helping people. Knowing someone is drinking or on something means that they can get help.

Me I don't know what help I can get. I talked to my therapist and the goals were basically talk to my friend from AA about staying with them because my psychiatrist did mention detox meds if he could meet with who I would stay with. This is basically because blood pressure and other things can happen during withdrawal. I own a blood pressure cuff from my last detox and it reached scary numbers, bug I was home alone with no medicine. I think he doesn't want to give me benzos to take at home and either drink on them or detox and have a stroke.

Well the friend I might do this with.. I was waiting to ask in person, but I slept through the last women's meetings and am terrified of the phone. She texted me "Hey" this morning and then asking where I have been. I was honest enough to say depressed and sleeping all day. I said I was determined to go to the meeting Saturday. I asked if we could hang out after. She said yes.. more or less because she works before the meeting. I said we could meet up after even if she wasn't there. So I actually have to function Saturday. I am debating texting and asking her to call and make sure I get out of bed. The alarm doesn't matter at this level of functioning. I will probably ask tomorrow since she's probably asleep now.

The key is that at least in the text I was honest, and I am planning to talk to her about the psychiatrist thing. That was one goal from my therapist.

The second goal involves contacting Dr H my mentor at school.. I am currently not mentally able to do this. I can't even check my school email (so much random crap) for fear she has said something. I cannot seem to email her but have been advised by my therapist and sponsor that this is about how I am doing. Any decision about quitting school is not rational right now. I don't feel capable of contacting her because I don't know if I am logical. I am not sure I am even functional, so for now I am ignoring the request I contact her.

I really feel I should be focused on my option to drink myself to death or choose something else. I am not sure even life is possible, so I don't think I can talk about school.

But I have texted a friend and been honest about what is going on. I have made a social commitment that requires me to get out of bed. That's a huge start right now.

What to do

Today was not my best day. I woke up way to early and spent a long time just laying in bed. I wasn't even doing anything. I just stared at the ceiling or the wall. Eventually, I managed to pick up my phone and checked instagram and other sites. I remember laying there thinking about death. I thought about suicide but it passed.

Work was not fun. I got there early and sat in my car picking at my skin. I know my face and arms look bad. I don't know how much they notice. After a while at work, my chest started hurting. I managed to convince myself it was stress. I tried listening to a podcast (Seriously love Welcome to Nightvale. Even seen 2 live shows and have a ticket for the next in July. So yeah definitely recommend) and music, but it didn't get better. I drank water and took a gabapentin and tried to believe it was stress. I really don't know if it was stress or some kind of withdrawal. My chest is fine now, so I assume not my heart.

I keep thinking that I WAS a functional alcoholic. I am NOT functioning. I don't know what to do though. I am scared to call anyone or make an appointment with my new psychiatrist. I even wondered if I could convince a friend to make the appointment for me. The phone is somehow terrifying right now.

I know things are bad. I know I need to deal with school. I need to stop drinking. I need to somehow get out of all this social anxiety. I don't know how. I cannot seem to make the first step and tell someone. I am not sure if it's best to just stop drinking or if I really need medication to detox. I do know I am terrified of asking a friend to see the psychiatrist to set that up. I do know now is not the time to go back in the hospital. I really don't care if withdrawal kills me.

I know I am not ok. I just can't manage to do anything about it. There are so many steps I could take.. basically telling anyone all this. I want to hold out and ask someone (friend or sponsor) in person, but that involves waiting and being sober enough to make it to a meeting. I even wonder about telling my parents the truth about quitting school and the truth about the depression. I don't know if that would help or just add more criticism. The phone is so terrifying, but I don't think I should wait until I make it to a meeting and happen to see the right people to ask for help. I don't really know if they can help.

I know I don't always want to live, but lately I am bothered by the logic of suicide. If I am not always convinced that there is an afterlife (right now religious thoughts come and go), how is not existing any better. Where is the logic in wanting to cease to be instead of existence. I have been trying to RE-memorize Hamlets soliloquy and think about "but that the fear of something after death. The undiscovered country, from whose born no traveler returns puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all. " Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I am scared of what would happen if I killed myself, but maybe that's better. Maybe that fear is better than wanting to end all the burdens of life. Yeah.. probably not what I should be fixating on.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I really want. I don't know how to overcome all this anxiety about doing anything to do with people. I can't even interact normally with people at work. I don't know how to overcome this fear of phone calls. I don't know who I should be honest with. Should I tell my parents? Should I tell them at work since it really does affect what I can do? Do I just wait until someone comments on my tired appearance and Odd behavior? Or do I just keep trying to be a human being? That seems a terrible idea, but it seems most likely to happen.

I apologize for any typos and for just generally being depressing. All I can manage is drunken honesty right now. All I can manage is being drunk, being asleep, and apparently being a senior toxicologist since nobody has criticized my work. My life is a mess and I don't think anyone else knows.

Strange day

Sorry I haven't updated lately. I'm a bit ashamed of how I am doing lately. I haven't really been taking my meds consistently.. including my thyroid medication. That is probably why I've been sleeping about 12 hours a day. Saturday I missed my usual meeting because I fell back asleep after my alarm and woke up around 3pm. Sunday I got a text around 10:30am not to go to work. I am assuming they finished everything and didn't want evening shift to sit around doing nothing. I went back to sleep until around 2 something a coworker called to ask about working that day.. I guess the daytime supervisor has his number wrong, so he didn't get her text and I am officially lead on Sunday now. I am hoping he couldn't tell I was still in bed. I finally got up around then and went shopping. I went to Sam's club and bought applesauce and underwear.. odd purchase. Then I went to Walmart for sparkling water to go with my vodka. I made myself wait until around 7 to start drinking to be sure I wasn't going to get called in to work (and either go in drunk or have to make an excuse).
Today I got up a bit before 2 and showered and dressed. I stopped to get an iced tea to have at work. I get to work (rather early because I always take less time getting there than expected). I look at my phone and have 7 texts, panic for a moment, then see I have a text not to go into work (and a bunch of responses since it was a group text). This time it was something to do with the power being out and the machines not being ready because of it. So I leave and go shopping. I went to target and old navy where I bought nothing. I had the good idea to actually fill my synthroid prescription and pick it up. I went to Natural Grocers for Qrunch burgers, 2 kinds of non dairy yogurt (I have been eating some dairy but can't convince myself to buy yogurt or milk since the alternative is just as good), and chocolate dipped rice cakes because why not. And (this is more impressive than it sounds) picked up the package that was delivered to the apartment office Saturday rather than letting my rather than letting my worsening social anxiety be an excuse to let it sit there until tomorrow. Only sleeping and working has really made me anxious about any other social interaction. I can manage shopping but even avoid fast food restaurants. I got a bit upset that there were 2 people in the office and one remembered my name.  I guess I have lived here for 5 years, so it's reasonable that she might know me.

Now I am safely home and laying in bed for a bit with the cats because my stomach has been upset today. Soon I will get up and watch TV and drink. I am again trying to wait to make sure I don't get called in to work. I ate a rice cake and it helped somewhat settle my stomach, but I still should come up with an actual dinner. It's been a weird couple of days.