Bad day and paranoia fun *Trigger warning*

Today has been awful. It started awful and then got worse.

I woke up around 9am (I wonder if I didn't take my seroquel) and I can't do that. I cannot be awake and function before noon. My solution was to drink a few shots to help me sleep. It didn't really work. I probably stared at the wall for an hour before getting a little more sleep. I still have lines from Hamlet stuck and repeating in my head. So got to feeling a bit suicidal.

Finally got up with just enough time to shower, dress, and eat something before work. I even considered not showering but work..

I get to work and had to park on the street because the lot was full, and this is not a good part of town, so that always makes me paranoid about something happening to the car.

I get inside and the daytime manager asks to talk to me. I go to her desk. While I'm standing there, the daytime supervisor like straightens the sleeve of my scrub (you know the edge can fold up). Paranoia now because I have scars that sometimes show if I don't have longer sleeves. So is she just fixing it because she is a bit ocd, or is she pulling it down so the scars or parts I have been picking at will be more covered.

Then the manager asked how early I can work sundays. I hesitated and said maybe noon. She suggested 10. I said ok because I can't really tell her that I am not always sober by then or that my depression makes it hard to stop staring at the ceiling until at least 1.

I go to my desk. At some point I see her ask my supervisor something, and he gestures towards me. A few hours later I asked him (over instant messenger because awkward) what was said because I had been obsessing for hours. He said she asked why I can't work Sunday morning, and he said church. I haven't been to church in months because of anxiety. I told him I said it was fine.

The tremors were so bad today. I worried because my supervisor watched me lift my cup of water with 2 hands because it was so bad. I really was afraid he would comment. I also couldn't stop picking at my skin. I was pretty much holding a stress ball any time I wasn't typing. I didn't even care if it looked weird. Later my blood pressure was so high (I can tell by the tightness of my throat and chest) I was actually worried. At some point I got up and (stress ball in hand) just walked down the stairs and back up just to not be sitting.

I did kinda say some things to him and one girl about pretty much only sleeping and working. She said the same thing but she means going to bed late and not sleeping 12 hours a day. So who knows how they took that.

I really want to tell someone, but I am afraid it will go badly. I don't know if they will understand that the tremors and the blood pressure stuff is because I am SOBER at work and not drunk. I don't think they could fire me just for being an alcoholic, but they could probably find an excuse. I want to tell someone because I think I need more help. I know that having "who would fardels bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the fear of something after death. The undiscovered country, from whose bourne no traveler returns puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of." Repeating (actually the whole thing) in my head is not good. I know that DTs are a bad thing, and I am really worried when my chest feels tight when I am at work.
But I don't know. I feel like if they ask, I should be honest because I have no good lie, and just hope that the bosses (who study drugs) will understand what is happening or will try to

Major trigger warning
Editing to add that just managed on accident to cut myself deep enough I should probably get stitches. Problem is that I'm too drunk to drive and it isn't a cut worth calling an ambulance. So I have come up with enough first aid supplies to somewhat close it. There was much scrambling to find butterfly closures and make them stick. Wish me luck on this or maybe just sympathy. I can't convince myself to call a friend to drive me to a hospital and am a bit worried that they wouldn't consider this bad. I'm pretty good at first aid these days, so I am sure I can manage. Sorry that was really detailed and stuff on self harm, but I had to tell someone