Small accomplishment

So I finally called and made a psychiatrist appointment. It's not until June 9th, but I managed to actually call. I don't really know if I am going to ask about detox or make another appointment after that one to do it. All this shit at work helped me decide to call. Now I can say (if anyone acts concerned) that I have a psychiatrist appointment soon. I am still obsessing over if I should ask the manager if she told the boss about my drinking, or if I should just drop it since if she did the boss hasn't said anything to me. I really just want everything back to normal and nobody thinking about anything in my personal life, so I can stop feeling horribly guilty over all of this. I don't know that I regret telling her because I think that the way I am looking/acting was worrying her anyway, so pretending to be fine would not have worked. I regret the whole incident with the stitches because I really didn't intend to cut that deep, and I really would have preferred to be able to bandage it and keep it to myself because so far I have never actually discussed cutting with anyone at work. Although, I haven't gone to great lengths to hide it at times, but I don't know how much they noticed all the times I came to work with bandages on my wrist. I still haven't actually discussed it with anyone, but I can guess by his concern that my supervisor isn't stupid and probably assumed it was self inflicted. I don't want to talk about it because other than people who do cut or some mental health professionals, people tend to freak out about self harm. I know I should take it seriously, but after 14 years of doing it, I just don't. I know that saying that I have done this for 14 years and nearly half my life and that it's not a big deal is NOT going to worry anyone less. I can see myself saying it though, and that's part of why I don't want to talk about any of this with anyone. I know from when I worked at the bank that people take my behavior more seriously than I do. And at the time my behaviors were bad. I would self harm at work and leave razors in visible places in my purse. I on more than one occasion overdosed at work (diuretics or diet pills). I binged and purged and chew/spit during my lunch break. I think part of why I am upset now is that this very much reminds me of the bank and old patterns. Back then, coworkers would try to convince me to go to the hospital and they once called the employee assistance line and I had to convince that person that they were overreacting. I don't want that kind of thing to happen here. I don't want to know I am seriously worrying people that shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. So the best thing I can think to do is not talk about it at work. I don't know if they will ask. I will deal with that if it happens. I can try to behave at work and not let any self harm be visible. I guess the tremors I can't always hide, but I can try. That mostly means keeping my hands in my pockets whenever possible, and trying to hold things with both hands. Definitely not trying to pour from the kettle in front of anyone. I can try to smile, but that may not be successful. I have had a therapist say that smiling can improve my mood, but it can also make it worse. I worked a lot of years in retail and know that faking a smile doesn't make me any less miserable. I guess we will see. Maybe things will improve.. I am not at all hopeful anymore. I can at least try not to make it worse.