The same or worse

After 2 days without facing coworkers, I had to go to work today. I had to wake up early enough to go to the liquor store first. I also got lunch. I have been terrible the past few days and eaten meat. I don't even know what happened. I am definitely not going to keep doing it because I kinda hate myself.
I got to work and being a moron, I cut myself while sitting in the parking lot. I of course managed to do it in a spot that my scrubs don't always cover (depending on how I hold my arm). So I sometimes tried to hide it, but probably not well. My supervisor asked how I have been doing, and I said about the same. In all honesty, I am worse, but I didn't say that. I am definitely more suicidal. I never really admitted to how self destructive I am. I almost wanted to tell him, but he asked while in a room with other people. I also am not 100% sure I can trust him not to tell after he told people about the stitches. I trust the manager more.

I also was a bit upset because I posted on this one message board (no, I am not going to say what website) about the problem I am having with hypoglycemia if I don't eat before work. Well, the replies were not what I wanted. One was basically that I have to quit drinking and not make excuses or try to fix things caused by the alcoholism. Hypoglycemia is a consequence of drinking because alcohol interferes with gluconeogenesis or the body releasing stored glucose. I said that in the post. The second person basically said I need to go to rehab because detox can be fatal and I can't do anything about the medical consequences when things are this bad. I know that. I just didn't need to hear it. I was reading this at work and hating myself and the situation I am in.

Otherwise, work was ok. I wanted to snap at the trainee at least once, but I didn't. There were no plates because yesterday was a holiday. We spent 6 hours on a stupid, boring project that I can't really explain. My supervisor let us leave early. Now I am home and drinking. I am still thinking about everything. I really am not sure about getting detox meds from my psychiatrist. I really wish I could go inpatient, but I just can't imagine asking. I don't know if work would respond well. I don't know if I could face them after. I have worked there long enough (I think) for FMLA, but I still don't want to admit to all of this and try to find out.