Paranoia

Work today wasn't very fun. I am feeling very guilty about people (supervisor, manager, and boss) knowing about what's going on and me getting stitches or me drinking. I really wanted to ask the manager if she has talked to the boss about my drinking, since the supervisor claims he won't. I didn't get the chance really, and now I don't work until Friday. I don't think she has, but I wanted to be certain and tell her I don't want her to say anything because I don't know what would happen. I also want to apologize for all of this, but I am also scared she will ask questions and make it worse. I mean my supervisor doesn't technically know what happened. I guess given the circumstances and the fact that I have gone to work with cuts and scars on my wrists.. or usually just bandages but that still is suspicious. I don't think he's stupid, so I am sure he would know that if I was that embarrassed about it, then it was probably self inflicted. I don't know exactly what he told them. I don't know if she has noticed scars before because she sees me less. I am going to assume that he either said or they all assumed it was self inflicted. But about the drinking, I worry telling her not to tell anyone will make her decide to. I told her not to before, and she still told my supervisor. I mostly just want to know. I am probably going to try to talk to her Friday. I am of course rehearsing in my head. I am rehearsing for if she asks about the stitches incident. I will probably just say it was self inflicted and worse than expected. I am rehearsing if she or anyone asks to see. I am thinking of saying that I think that would make the situation worse or worry her more. If she asks why, I can say that it isn't the only time I have done it. Or something else along those lines. Or just stick with it would worry her (but maybe saying that could worry her). I don't know. If I tell her, are they all going to discuss it? I want them not to worry. I feel like shit about myself. I know I looked miserable today. I also know I was shaking too badly to use the computer when I had to train the new girl. I couldn't seem to click in the right spot. Hopefully, she didn't notice. I kept my hands in my pockets the rest of the time. I also kept pacing while waiting for her to come back upstairs. I know that probably looked weird, but only my supervisor was there at the time. He knows I am prone to anxiety (so is he), so it probably doesn't matter. My other coworkers have commented in the past about it making them anxious. Honestly, I think my blood pressure was really high and I was hoping it would be better if I walked around. I get this feeling like my throat is closing up sometimes, and I don't know if it's anxiety or my blood pressure being high from withdrawal. I definitely can't tell anyone because they will worry. It does get better if I pace. I really just hate my life. I want to tell them all not to worry, but they probably should be worried. I am feeling more suicidal since all this happened. I am not planning anything, but I find myself thinking frequently that I hate my life and wish I was dead. I don't want them to know that. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to fix this. I can pretend I am not cutting since they can't see if I am lying, but I can't really hide the tremors and how unsteady I am when walking. I know that the only way to fix that is to stop drinking, but I am scared. I am scared to call my psychiatrist or stay at my friend's apartment. I am terrified to stop at home. It isn't just the hallucinations. I am scared that my blood pressure will get so high that I will have a stroke or something. I did manage to do it alone last time, but I don't know if I can do it again. Everything I read says it's hard to predict what will happen but the longer you drink, the higher the risk of DTs. Tonight I am drunk and don't want to decide. I wish, honestly, that I could go into the hospital to detox, but I am terrified to ask after being in the hospital less than 3 months ago. The company is also moving soon, and people aren't supposed to request time off. They would probably do it, but I don't want to ask. I don't want them to hate me. I also don't want to have to explain. I really do hate my life.