Work worries

I finally had a chance to talk to my supervisor after being paranoid all weekend about him telling me he talked to the boss about me. I waited until the daytime supervisor and manager left and then asked if I could talk to him. I seriously can't seem to make eye contact anymore, so I stared at the wall and asked what he told her. He said he told her about me getting stitches. He apologized, but I said multiple times that I wasn't upset and understood why he did it, which is true. I told him about the drinking and stuff, but I guess the manager told him. That bit I am a little upset about because I asked her not to tell anyone. I still feel better having told him myself because I don't know what she said, and I don't want him thinking I don't trust him. I asked if he thought I needed to tell the boss, and he said I probably shouldn't. There's a risk if she knows that she could make me take a leave of absence, which would not be good.

I asked him later over the instant messenger we used if he was going to tell the boss, and he promised not too. I asked if he thought the manager would, and he said no. I might still ask her tomorrow. I am not happy that they talked about me. I do understand everyone is just worried.

And if I didn't already seem paranoid, I asked him once everyone left if he told the manager about the stitches incident, and he said she knows. I asked her response and apparently she said it was worrying and the boss also said that (and that all he can do is be there if I need him). I apologized again and said I just like to know what people know about me. He's an anxious person, so I think he understands.

I left feeling pretty terrible about myself for worrying people. I really didn't want that to happen, but I understand their concern. I don't know what I can do to make them not worry. Well, I guess get sober and stop cutting. I didn't manage either of those things today. I actually cut at work for the first time. Obviously, not in front of anyone, but I was definitely a mess today. I don't know if I should talk to the manager tomorrow. I worry asking her not to tell the boss will make her more concerned and likely to tell. I think I should probably just go back to not telling them anything personal and hope they will worry less. I am not sure that would work. They might worry more if I show up to work shaking or with visible cuts and don't talk to anyone about it.

I still haven't called the psychiatrist. I panicked before work because I realized I needed to go to the liquor store before work. I rushed through showering and getting dressed to make sure I made it there and to work on time. Thankfully I managed. I ate a protein bar on my way, so I wouldn't have a repeat of Friday. At work I ended up eating an Uncrustable (currently one of my favorite foods) and half a veggie burger covered in mustard. I started eating and then lost my appetite. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I want to apologize for worrying people, but I am not sure it would help. I think I just need to leave it alone unless anyone asks. I've done enough damage.