Friends

I guess I am mostly complaining today, so I apologize. A few days ago a friend from AA texted me to ask how I was. I was honest about being non-functional. I did then text her about hanging out today after the women's meeting, and she said yes. I later asked her if she could call to make sure I actually got out of bed in order to go to the meeting.

Today I woke up around 11 and couldn't fall back asleep, so I got up and showered and dressed. I texted my friend so she didn't need to call to make sure I was up.

Anyway, I made it to my first meeting in 2 weeks. My friend was also there. After the meeting, she told me that she had to spend the day at the house of another member of AA. She cleans their house but there was also something about him cooking lunch. She did invite me to go, but I couldn't handle that many people after hardly leaving the house for a couple weeks. Plus, I have had some bad experiences with going to that place, so I said no. I was really disappointed that she had agreed to hanging out and then done this. I think it was pretty obvious that I was upset or just generally not well.

I almost left and then decided to at least ask her about my psychiatrist's offer to give me Librium to detox if I would stay with someone and could meet them. I have been thinking about this for a couple weeks but wanted to talk to my friend in person (and also just generally been scared of phone calls). She said she would talk to the guy that shares the apartment and his girlfriend. I know her and her boyfriend she lives with, but I really haven't spoken to the other people.. only just a few words. I was proud of myself for asking because honestly I was upset enough that I wanted to just leave. Then I reminded myself that I would have to call her if I didn't ask, and the phone is much more terrifying

I don't know about the detox plan. I do know I am miserable. I also know that based on what I am experiencing now, I am scared of what will happen if I stop. That makes me scared to do it alone, but I am not willing to take time off work to detox in a hospital. I mean I work at a drug testing lab, so I feel no good could come of admitting to needing help for this.

I do want to be sober. I don't want to keep gaining weight. I don't like the tremors. I know I will reach a point where I can't hide how bad things are. I just would feel safer with someone else being there. When I got sober the last time, I would on multiple occasions take my blood pressure and wonder if I should go to the emergency room because it was really that high. Now add to that all the hallucination like stuff (my sponsor said they were more illusions than hallucination?). I an legitimately scared of detox. So I am glad I was honest. I have to wait to see what she says and also to get an appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't know what that will take.

Tonight, since I have nobody to spend time with, I am drinking alone with my cats... just like any other night