Not my biggest fan

I may add more to this after work, but I need to complain. I really am not happy with myself today.

Shortly after getting to work, the manager asked to talk to me, which I kinda panic anytime that happens. We went in the conference room. She asked what I think of my position as lead. I said I thought I was doing ok at it. Then she offered to give it to someone else because she doesn't want it to stress me out and cause anything to happen. She looked worried. I admitted that I would like that because I have been really stressed. She said it doesn't affect my position as senior toxicologist. It's basically out of concern for my health. I asked her if she had said anything to the boss and said I  would prefer nobody did. I said that I knew my supervisor had talked to both of them. She said she hadn't and wouldn't. She said my supervisor had pulled her aside but she didn't know what he said to the boss. She didn't say anything else about what he said. She just said she was here if I need her and to tell her if I do. I said I don't want anyone worried about me.

Afterwards, she talked to the other person who is taking over as shift lead, and I started hating myself more. I feel like I let people down. I really don't think being lead is good for me or them because I am very stressed. I do know I am not handling anxiety well. I didn't say that to her because I don't want to have to explain what I mean. I can't let anyone know I am cutting at work because they'll freak. I am wondering if this affects the schedule, but I didn't think to ask and don't know if my supervisor knows (or even if she discussed any of this with him). So I am just quietly hating myself. I really do want to talk to her about what's going on, but it is probably a bad idea. I already feel like the boss has been giving me weird looks when she greets me and asks how I am doing. I am guessing she knows I am lying when I say I'm fine. And I am. I hate this mess I've made.

**Adding a bit more. I survived the rest of my shift without cutting or crying. I asked my supervisor a few questions about me not being lead and the schedule. I thought about asking if he was OK with it, but I decided it's really not his business. I am feeling slightly more ok about this. I talked a little with another coworker and said I was not lead because the manager is worried about stress. I've told her about the drinking already, and she was supportive. She was nice about this and said my coworker will be a good lead because she's good at multitasking. I admittedly am not. I can do it but I do get anxious. That was true even before I relapsed. I also am not social and am terrified of having to call other departments. These days I even stress over my handwriting not being good enough or that maybe I shouldn't write in pencil since the other lead always writes in pen. I am great at answering questions and helping my coworkers. So anyway my coworker was nice. We talked some about the roles of the senior analysts. Then we bitched about the girl in training (that she's lazy and not learning and kinda rude). Then I went home.

Still obsessing over everything. Should I have told her more or that things are getting worse? Should I talk to her or the boss about the cutting or the stitches incident? I am still bothered about my supervisor telling them.  Now because he didn't even really know what happened. Also I would have liked to be given an opportunity to tell them or explain to him. He could have said that they needed to know or asked me about it first. I think this is all pretty awkward. I don't want to tell him more because I don't trust him to keep it to himself. The manager I trust because she asked me what was going on when she noticed things and was concerned. I think she notices when I am stressed. When I was made lead, she pulled me aside because I looked worried. When they changed the schedule, she knew I was upset (admittedly I cried) and tried to fix it. I have a feeling if I do need time off to get help, she would do anything possible to let that happen. I still feel guilty for being this crazy and telling her what's going on, but I think it would have hurt her more if I knew she was worried but didn't tell her. I am working on honesty but still probably shouldn't tell her about the self harm. Mainly because I am not really trying to stop and there's no way for her to help (though the lead thing probably will help a little). I don't think I should talk to the boss because I am afraid she will decide I am not fit to be working because I am kinda a mess. Honestly, I probably should go inpatient, but I really can't. I really probably shouldn't be working if I am carrying an Xacto knife in my purse to cut with. I had the thought yesterday that if I filled my prescriptions, I might have enough to OD, which is a pretty bad thought. I don't know. I'll stop rambling now.