Therapy

So I had therapy today. I again didn't bring the workbook she wants me to do because I had other stuff to discuss. I told her about getting stitches and the discussions with my supervisor (about the stitches) and manager (about everything). We talked about how this and more prove that people care about me. I used to think the manager didn't like me, but several recent conversations have proven otherwise.. and my ability to read people is not very accurate.

We discussed the future and my hopes for it. I said I didn't have any. She asked what I had hoped for my future when I was younger. I said that basically I assumed I would be dead. I said that I still don't see myself living to old age. I still expect to have killed myself. She was very concerned by this. I am not currently suicidal, but it came up because I am worried that if I get sober.. I will be. I always thought that I would kill myself before not graduating, and I feel like sober I would have time to think about this. Now I just drink away the worry about school.

She wants me to contact Dr H and say that without a schedule or deadline, I am not able to write. I say that right now even if my anxiety let me contact her, I am not capable of a schedule that involves more than drinking, sleeping, and work. I feel like I need to be sober before any school discussion happens because right now I am barely functioning. I still haven't called the psychiatrist because 1. I am terrified of phone calls (I made another doctors appointment strictly because I could do it online) and 2. I am not sure I can get sober now and know that he probably won't offer detox meds again. I really think I need inpatient where they can handle both detox and the resulting depression. I am scared I will detox now (involving a close friend) and relapse when I have to think about school and life. My friend can't and shouldn't have to deal with the emotional mess I think I will be when sober. I reminded my therapist that the most depressed and suicidal I have been recently was when I was completely sober. Right now I can shut my brain down with alcohol, and that's probably why I am not actively suicidal.

I left the appointment with no answers. She wants me to "let people in". I am trying but I don't want to hurt more people. When she asked how I felt about the conversations with people at work, my main feeling is that I hate hurting people. In general, I am not always honest because I know that the truth worries people and causes pain.

After therapy, I went to my parent's house and put on the happy face. I don't know if they have noticed any physical symptoms, but I don't discuss the drinking. This is largely because they don't understand and haven't really tried (they have been told about AlAnon)to understand alcoholism. When I first told my mother about the problem, her response was that I knew I would be an addict and wanted it to get as bad as it was. My last detox in hospital she was angry I hadn't talked about it sooner. I am proud that my response was that they didn't really teach me good communication as a child and maybe that has to do with why I don't tell them things. She actually did acknowledge that the fights she and my dad had and the "silent treatment" might not have been interpreted well as a child. Really, they have been told more than once that couple's counseling might help before any family work with me. I think at least 2 of my therapists mentioned it, but they never went. They were told this when I was a teenager after attempts at family sessions ended in her arguing with my dad about how he ignores the problem. So they are not part of my support system. I see them almost every week, and we have dinner. MY mom and I go shopping. This is just kept to surface topics, and they really only find out the worst is if I have to go inpatient. This seems crazy to a lot of people.. mainly that I see them so regularly despite the lack of support. I remember when I was at Remuda Ranch for residential eating disorder treatment, they had one group that discussed layers of the support system. It was when I really realized that I could define my support system, and it wasn't automatically defined as family. I can keep friends closer and still keep my parents in my life. I probably have talked about this before, so sorry. I appreciate having a therapist who really understands that my parents cannot be involved. Lately, she has talked more about working on my childhood and them. Mainly, I am not the only one with depression in my family, but I am the only one who accepts help. Their emotions probably affected me. They would fight. My dad (like me) compulsively picked at his skin when anxious. I loved when I heard of read the term "identified patient" because that defines me. It doesn't matter their problems. I am the sick one. After I left Remuda, I really understood this. They choose to ignore their own problems, and I am defined as sick because they have doctors that say this is true. I have this because I actually got help, and I really have grown and changed when they haven't. I was bitter about it at some point and then my mom made more hurtful comments, and I have just cut them off when it comes to mental health.

There was an AA meeting last weekend where the topic was mothers and children. I actually shared. I mentioned the hurtful things my mother has said that explain our relationship. When I was first out of eating disorder treatment, I apologized for relapse and she essentially said that I relapsed because I hadn't tried hard enough at treatment. Really, I was probably too sick for am outpatient program, but I did what I could. The other is when I told her I had a problem with drinking. I can't remember when this happened. Her response was basically that I knew I would get addicted and (after I probably tried to defend that I didn't expect it to be as bad) she said that I wanted it to get that bad. The first about treatment she denies having said, so I never bring up the second.

I'm rambling now, and I am sorry. Whenever my therapist brings up my parents, it brings to mind so much. Afterwards, I went shopping with my mom and had dinner with both of them, and it was a pleasant evening. I am determined to call my psychiatrist tomorrow or Monday. Somehow a simple phone call seems impossible right now