So today I had therapy. It went well? I mean I did a little less staring at the floor and a little more talking. I was meant to buy a workbook discussed in my last appointment, which I bought but intentionally didn't bring because I needed to talk about my current situation. Honestly, when I explained the sleeping all the time and avoiding phone calls (like to make a psychiatrist appointment), her recommendation seemed to be a higher level of care. I don't know if she meant inpatient detox or actual rehab. I basically said that it's maybe been 2 months since I suddenly needed time off to go inpatient. It's pathetic to go again that soon. Plus, it's more complicated because I was willing to talk to certain coworkers about being depressed. I think it's a terrible idea to mention the alcohol to anyone. I mean we do drug testing. We (admittedly me too)make comments about samples. Comments on the quantity of whatever they had to be taking or how many things they aren't prescribed but are taking. I have commented on insanely high ethyl glucoronide or ethyl sulfate (ethanol metabolites) and silently wondered what mine would be. We talked about patients in rehabs and how they afford it or how they are still somehow using. That conversation just made me jealous of people that can afford these rehabs. I am often lately jealous of these patients (who all I know is their urine) who are in these places. But yeah... it seems a terrible idea to admit to the alcoholism. My supervisor recently asked if I was OK, and it was clear he meant something to do with my wrists or hands. I didn't know if it was the scars on my wrist or the tremors. I don't want to discuss the tremors. In my defense, having tremors implies I am not drunk at work. They mean I am sober, but I am not sure someone could understand that someone who drinks enough to cause withdrawals could be having these physical problems at work because she doesn't drink at work. To an alcoholic that makes sense. I am afraid to them they will associate the symptoms with alcoholism and therefore me being impaired at work. So I am scared to approach the topic. There is so much stigma at this place... not always. The boss boss has repeatedly reminded them that whatever the test results, we are helping people. Knowing someone is drinking or on something means that they can get help.
Me I don't know what help I can get. I talked to my therapist and the goals were basically talk to my friend from AA about staying with them because my psychiatrist did mention detox meds if he could meet with who I would stay with. This is basically because blood pressure and other things can happen during withdrawal. I own a blood pressure cuff from my last detox and it reached scary numbers, bug I was home alone with no medicine. I think he doesn't want to give me benzos to take at home and either drink on them or detox and have a stroke.
Well the friend I might do this with.. I was waiting to ask in person, but I slept through the last women's meetings and am terrified of the phone. She texted me "Hey" this morning and then asking where I have been. I was honest enough to say depressed and sleeping all day. I said I was determined to go to the meeting Saturday. I asked if we could hang out after. She said yes.. more or less because she works before the meeting. I said we could meet up after even if she wasn't there. So I actually have to function Saturday. I am debating texting and asking her to call and make sure I get out of bed. The alarm doesn't matter at this level of functioning. I will probably ask tomorrow since she's probably asleep now.
The key is that at least in the text I was honest, and I am planning to talk to her about the psychiatrist thing. That was one goal from my therapist.
The second goal involves contacting Dr H my mentor at school.. I am currently not mentally able to do this. I can't even check my school email (so much random crap) for fear she has said something. I cannot seem to email her but have been advised by my therapist and sponsor that this is about how I am doing. Any decision about quitting school is not rational right now. I don't feel capable of contacting her because I don't know if I am logical. I am not sure I am even functional, so for now I am ignoring the request I contact her.
I really feel I should be focused on my option to drink myself to death or choose something else. I am not sure even life is possible, so I don't think I can talk about school.
But I have texted a friend and been honest about what is going on. I have made a social commitment that requires me to get out of bed. That's a huge start right now.
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