What to do

Today was not my best day. I woke up way to early and spent a long time just laying in bed. I wasn't even doing anything. I just stared at the ceiling or the wall. Eventually, I managed to pick up my phone and checked instagram and other sites. I remember laying there thinking about death. I thought about suicide but it passed.

Work was not fun. I got there early and sat in my car picking at my skin. I know my face and arms look bad. I don't know how much they notice. After a while at work, my chest started hurting. I managed to convince myself it was stress. I tried listening to a podcast (Seriously love Welcome to Nightvale. Even seen 2 live shows and have a ticket for the next in July. So yeah definitely recommend) and music, but it didn't get better. I drank water and took a gabapentin and tried to believe it was stress. I really don't know if it was stress or some kind of withdrawal. My chest is fine now, so I assume not my heart.

I keep thinking that I WAS a functional alcoholic. I am NOT functioning. I don't know what to do though. I am scared to call anyone or make an appointment with my new psychiatrist. I even wondered if I could convince a friend to make the appointment for me. The phone is somehow terrifying right now.

I know things are bad. I know I need to deal with school. I need to stop drinking. I need to somehow get out of all this social anxiety. I don't know how. I cannot seem to make the first step and tell someone. I am not sure if it's best to just stop drinking or if I really need medication to detox. I do know I am terrified of asking a friend to see the psychiatrist to set that up. I do know now is not the time to go back in the hospital. I really don't care if withdrawal kills me.

I know I am not ok. I just can't manage to do anything about it. There are so many steps I could take.. basically telling anyone all this. I want to hold out and ask someone (friend or sponsor) in person, but that involves waiting and being sober enough to make it to a meeting. I even wonder about telling my parents the truth about quitting school and the truth about the depression. I don't know if that would help or just add more criticism. The phone is so terrifying, but I don't think I should wait until I make it to a meeting and happen to see the right people to ask for help. I don't really know if they can help.

I know I don't always want to live, but lately I am bothered by the logic of suicide. If I am not always convinced that there is an afterlife (right now religious thoughts come and go), how is not existing any better. Where is the logic in wanting to cease to be instead of existence. I have been trying to RE-memorize Hamlets soliloquy and think about "but that the fear of something after death. The undiscovered country, from whose born no traveler returns puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all. " Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I am scared of what would happen if I killed myself, but maybe that's better. Maybe that fear is better than wanting to end all the burdens of life. Yeah.. probably not what I should be fixating on.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I really want. I don't know how to overcome all this anxiety about doing anything to do with people. I can't even interact normally with people at work. I don't know how to overcome this fear of phone calls. I don't know who I should be honest with. Should I tell my parents? Should I tell them at work since it really does affect what I can do? Do I just wait until someone comments on my tired appearance and Odd behavior? Or do I just keep trying to be a human being? That seems a terrible idea, but it seems most likely to happen.

I apologize for any typos and for just generally being depressing. All I can manage is drunken honesty right now. All I can manage is being drunk, being asleep, and apparently being a senior toxicologist since nobody has criticized my work. My life is a mess and I don't think anyone else knows.