Neighbors

Sorry if I have ranted about this before, but I don't think I have. I have these new(?) neighbors that I really dislike. I am honestly not sure exactly when they moved in. The thing with my apartment is that you cannot really hear anything from inside the apartment next to it, but you can hear anything from outside the front door. This isn't that important normally, and I was always reassured that I couldn't hear my neighbor's apartment. Occasionally, I got to hear some interesting things from my living room because the chair I sit in is right by the window. Like I am pretty sure the guy across from me got kicked out (I had taken the trash out and a guy had pointed out a bag of stuff that someone left outside and asked jokingly if I did that) and I am pretty sure I heard him offer someone drugs in exchange for a ride.

These new people however smoke outside their apartment frequently. This means I am often watching TV at night and can hear them talking outside. It makes me feel very exposed. I don't like thinking that they can probably hear me or rather my TV since I am not talking. It makes it feel like someone is in the room. I know this is paranoia or just my anxiety, but it seriously feels that way. Add to that the times someone is outside when I come home. I am paranoid about people seeing into my apartment because it's a bit of a mess. Then yesterday I got home and had to carry my laundry (clean) and also some groceries inside. This was probably something I should have made two trips with because the combination was rather heavy, and I was sober and therefore shaky. Well, I debated sitting in the car until they went inside, but that didn't seem practical. I stumbled up the stairs, and someone asked if I needed help. I said I was ok, which is not entirely true, but I was not going to ask a stranger to help. I had to set the hamper down a couple times and I think banged my arm on the railing because I have bruises and a scrape. So I got to be super embarrassed about someone seeing this.

So tonight they were out there talking, and Nermal was sitting anxiously watching from the window. That's the photo hopefully attached (the blogger app and my phone don't always get along).

I went to work today after the women's meeting. It was ok. My coworker was lead. I am not sure if she was told that or just knows because I told her that I am no longer lead. I should clarify that lead just means you are responsible of the notebooks that keep track of what the shift did and sending the email update about it after the shift. I come in an hour later than them because of AA and crying when I was given this new schedule. They don't know that because I just told her it was because of a schedule conflict. Only the manager knows I cried, and I didn't tell her what it was I do Saturday afternoon. She was happy to accommodate because I think she's worried about me. Anyway, it went ok. I occasionally butt heads with this coworker because she likes to be in control, but it works out well when she is in charge. I got to train her on something. I am supposed to work 3:30-10:30, but they left at 9 because all the samples were closed, and I left also. She said I could, and I am the only person who works Sunday, so it seems reasonable. I am honestly considering thanking the manager for not making me lead because it is less stress and I really don't admit to how much effect the work stress has on me. I know I lied about work being a contributing factor to what's going on and to things being worse now over the stress of knowing that they know what's going on. I am not sure I will actually tell her that. Thankfully, tomorrow I get to work alone, which is less stress.. although, I think she thought it would be more. I am only required to do 2 tasks, and then I can leave because nobody else works Sunday. As long as nothing weird happens, this should be simple. I am not sure what to do with the rest of the day. I am trying not to drink before 5-6pm, so I will have to kill a lot of time. This probably means shopping, and I do need groceries. I had an odd little conversation with my coworker about shopping and how she recently went with her husband. I said I basically live off 2 kinds of frozen meal (Amy's chili mac and Lean Cuisine tortellini). She had commented on most of their protein coming from beans (she's also vegetarian), and how mine must too. I said I have been eating protein bars and shakes because I have trouble with breakfast. I then had to stop myself from explaining this was 1 because of hangovers/alcohol making me feel sick and dislike food and 2 alcoholism induced hypoglycemia because there were other people around. I also couldn't say that the rest of my groceries are flavored water and vodka. She's the only one who knows about my drinking because I have known her long enough to feel safe telling her. It really is true.. I live off frozen meals, ProCrunch bars/protein drinks, and vodka. Pretty pathetic. Oh, and candy. Candy is another thing I can stomach when I am drunk or nauseous. That and sugar free (because ED logic) pudding. I'm rambling again, but I am trying to keep the alcoholism from becoming common knowledge at work.

And in terms of neighbors, I would really like to tell them to shut up because I can hear them now. I really miss only hearing the TV and the cats. Cats I like more than people. They can say whatever they want.