Today I was woken up by a text from the manager about a meeting we had to attend. I was a little annoyed because I already knew about it, so I didn't need to be bothered by that text and because it was a group text, several replies. I did get up and shower and wash my greasy hair.
I realized right at the time I was planning to leave for work that I did not have enough vodka for tonight. I did a search on my phone but didn't think I had time to go to any of the liquor stores nearby and make it to work on time. I decided I would take my "lunch break" later and go to a store near work.
I got to work early (which they had asked us to for the meeting). It was about the decline in sample numbers and how things will pick back up and projects planned until then. I was nervous when the person (one of the owners) started that layoffs would be mentioned, but it wasn't that. I think it will more affect hourly employees than those of us who are salary.
We ended up sitting around for hours today waiting for something to do. My supervisor asked rather rudely if we had anything productive to do. This was after we had done anything that we could and unless he had other ideas, we're waiting for a plate to be finished. I did ask if I could run an errand and call it my lunch break, and he agreed. I went to the liquor store, which didn't have the brand of vodka I wanted.. but whatever. I bought vodka, a bottle of water, and some Sunchips. I got back to work and tried to eat the chips, but lately so many foods I liked have been tasting gross. This includes Sunchips, Cheetos, and even plain potato chips. It's rather annoying. The food catered today had chicken in it, so I ended up eating mostly apple slices and carrots.
At some point a coworker and friend from school went downstairs to get more food. I mentioned how the manager lectured me about not giving up on school. I explained how she pulled me aside out of concern, which she might have noticed because she was working yesterday. I kind of brought up how it was about the tremors. She said it was probably a side effect of my medication. I told her the truth. We talked about her own problems with depression after having her son. It was a good talk, and she didn't seem judgmental. I have talked to her about school because she knows the department and Dr H. She knows my situation. She pretty much said to deal with this personal stuff and then decide about school. I didn't give any details, but I did mention the time I took off recently for hospital when we were talking about how amazingly understanding the people we work with are. So now 2 people at work know about the alcohol. I am OK with this. People at this company are really understanding. It helps that so many are people I know from school or are at least students there and understand that situation.
Tomorrow, I have therapy. I am kinda hoping I can somehow persuade her to call and help me make a psychiatrist appointment. I am having so much trouble with making phone calls. I know I need to do this, but I am so anxious about calling. I really have no logical explanation for why I can't call and make an appointment, but I hope she will help. Other than that, I am mostly dealing with school, and I don't know if she can help with that. I am too anxious to even check my school email. I also probably should tell her about the self harm and needing stitches, but I am scared she will decide this is a reason that I should go inpatient again. I didn't bring that possibility up when talking to my manager at work. I just got out of my last stay 3 months ago. I really don't want that to happen. I feel bad enough for the last time and for worrying people now.
So I guess we will see what happens.
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