Outside issues

I feel like since this past weekend it has become much more apparent that I am not doing so well. I mean I had a sense last week that things were going downhill, but I was generally feeling ok sometimes. Since the huge fight my parents had Saturday, I just haven't bounced back.

The most obvious thing is that I have been purging at least once a day. I'm not binging, but any large meal makes me feel so fat and gross and I end up purging or taking laxatives. It's at the point where I am using laxatives 2-3 time a week (although no more than the max dose) and vomiting daily. Today I ate lunch with my mom. When I got home, I waited until my mom went to take a nap and then purged like 4 times because I couldn't get everything up. Now my throat is sore and my face feels all puffy. Logically, I know the solution is to eat less.. but I am just continuing to stress eat. I know my head is not in a great place because I am eating a lot when no one is watching because I know it's emotional eating and not because of hunger. I also know that a lot of the stress causing this is just my parents and the fear that any little thing will cause another argument, and I don't like conflict.

The depression is also very present. I feel like I am sinking sometimes. I really mainly look forward to going to bed at night. I have had urges to OD and to self harm. I have given in to the self harm urges. I have a small stockpile of medication in my room. I am afraid that my parents will get rid of the medications I no longer take, and then I will not have anything if I decide to OD. I justify it by telling myself that it is all my medication. I just am supposed to have a week's worth at a time, and I am not supposed to be able to access what's locked up. Except, I figured out months back what the combination to those locks is, so I went in when nobody was around and got some seroquel and doxepin. I also took some gabapentin to help me sleep on the nights I have trouble. I just need a backup plan. Probably the mixture of the bulimia and screwing around with my meds is not helping my emotional wellbeing.

The issue is that I don't know how to tell anyone all of this. I mean IOP is really mostly for chemical dependency. While he says it's a dual diagnosis program, nobody else seems to have or talk about serious mental health issues. I don't know what's appropriate to discuss. I don't want to trigger anyone. I also don't want to get kicked out for being too sick or have them tell my parents (which they could if they think I am a danger to myself). I see a case worker but haven't talked about how bad things really are because it's been a couple weeks since I have seen her. This week she was out sick, so of course I get to wait another week. I just know realistically that I don't have insurance, so I am stuck with whatever care they offer. That is basically IOP for alcohol and my case worker for 30 minutes every week or two. I doubt they will offer anything unless I am in crisis, and I don't think this is a crisis?

In AA, I really speak very little about anything. I have been texting my sponsor, but the last time I spoke to her was when she called because she was struggling. I have spoken a little with one other girl who goes to the later meetings. Yesterday was the first time I spoke in a meeting that she was there for (and my 2nd time talking overall). She said that was great. Today she was there and asked how I was doing. I said I was struggling, but I didn't know what to say when she asked what was going on. I don't want to unload all this on someone I barely know especially when it is not about alcohol. She did ask for my phone number and gave me hers. I don't think she would judge me, but I was just too worn out tonight to try to explain any of this. With my sponsor, I don't know what the place of all this is. AA is really about alcohol. Mental health is rarely discussed in meetings or literature. That means I don't know if I should discuss it. I have had someone basically say I need to work the steps for my eating disorder separate (and previously that was what was said for the self harm). So I have never done the full 12 steps for any of these things, and it's overwhelming to consider doing that once. I think part of what didn't work the last time in rehab was trying to work the steps and be fully honest about my alcoholism but also have to hide the extent of the depression (because I would have been sent to another hospital and have to stop working on the steps for the alcohol).

Really, I want to drink. I daily contemplate drinking the rubbing alcohol that my dad bought. I just don't want to risk having to either 1. admit it in IOP and have to explain to my parents why I am either in IOP longer or have them recommend residential and have to explain that or 2. Lie about it for the rest of my time in IOP and probably get no benefit. So now I just have it in my head that if I drink it will probably be as part of a suicide attempt. I don't think I am quite there, but I am trying to think of how/when I could at least buy the vodka.. that way I would have it when it gets to that point. Or if it gets to that point.. I am just exhausted and feeling hopeless. I feel like I just need a few days to sleep and be alone and maybe get back to where I have the energy for life.

Honesty

Sorry I am not updating much. Things are just always the same. I don't have a lot going on.

I wanted to complain and get an opinion (if anyone feels like commenting) about an issue I have encountered with IOP. We have assignments we are given to work on. One of them is this packet that asks a bunch of questions about your family, your childhood, your work, etc. It's kind of a life history. I actually appreciate this having so many questions because that is easier for me than to just have to explain what my life is like. Particularly explaining my family is challenging because on the surface they are a normal loving family, but deeper down there's some dysfunction.

So I have pretty much finished the packet, and we present it a bit at a time because of how long it was. Well, every time I have presented a piece someone has commented on or complimented me on my honesty. Except, it started out as compliments on being so honest. Last time a couple people said that I was brutally honest, and I started to wonder if they were trying to tell me it was too much. Today someone actually seemed to say (I can't remember his words) that I was too honest. Except, isn't honesty the point? I mean I am not like giving graphic details of my sex life (which I basically said is non existent and only when I was drinking) or some kind of trauma that might be triggering (I did mention the girl threatening me with a knife in 3rd grade but that's the closest to trauma I have). I haven't given details about self harm or the eating disorder.. only said they were problems. I have mentioned the hospital stays but not really gone into how many I have.. but it's an important part of my life since I have been so many times. So I am kind of unsure what to do about this.

I am naturally an honest person. I hate lying. I used to dissociate in therapy because it was the only way I could be ok with lying so much as a teenager. Through the depression and eating disorder and alcoholism I became a very dishonest person, and I hate that. My thing now in recovery is that I will not force myself to be dishonest. I won't lie and say I am eager about recovery or that I don't want to drink or that I am happy. I do not believe in the whole fake it till you make it concept because I spent so many of my younger years pretending I was fine. Now I am allowing myself to not be ok. Part of that is that I am answering questions honestly. I told the therapist for group upfront that I was largely sober because of the cameras around my parents yard and them supervising me. I have admitted that I still want to drink and that I am sober because of the consequences drinking would have. Maybe that's what I am not supposed to say? I just hated when I was in rehab that everyone said they were so happy to be in recovery and they didn't want to drink anymore. I find it hard to believe they were that happy.

I recently heard someone in a meeting say that the "alcoholic who is still suffering" doesn't always mean the ones that still drink. People suffer in sobriety. People kill themselves in sobriety (I was sober I think when I attempted last year). That shit in our heads has to come out for it to go away.. or that's my belief. So I don't see the problem with being brutally honest? I guess I will ask the therapist to be sure that I didn't say anything bad. I have had several talks with my sponsor about how mental health issues are not always talked about by people in the program. I think of my drinking as secondary.. the mental health problems started first, so I feel I have to talk about them. Depression and anxiety will drive me back to drinking if I don't acknowledge them. And right now, I am not ok. I don't have time to explain that now, but I am not doing well. I am sober, but I am struggling.. so fuck anyone who is bothered by my honesty. Several others did say they appreciate it because it prompts them to look at themselves. Maybe some people just don't want to do that? But it's the point of treatment. Anyways.. I just needed to vent

Day after day

I am sorry I haven't updated recently. I don't know what to say. I am really struggling with the idea that I am doing a little better because I don't entirely want to feel better. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to have everyone thinking I am better when my head is still fucked up.

I am still in IOP. It is so repetitive and honestly frustrating. There are various worksheets that get assigned. I hate worksheets. I also really disliked that some are 12 step based and ask questions about steps I am not ready for. I got stuck working on one that had questions about how and why I turned my will and life over to a higher power. I said that I am not ready to do that. I believe in god, but I have issues with the idea of a relationship with god. The therapist gave me some bs about writing a letter to a higher power or acting like there is some ideal god.. and I decided to basically write the answers with my parents and my treatment team as the higher power because really that's what is forcing me to do all this recovery shit. I got feedback complimenting my honesty and sticking to my beliefs. I don't know.

I want to drink. I want to self destruct. I have hidden pills in my room just in case. I am still purging and spending hours each day on eating disorder websites. I obsess over wanting alcohol and over food. I am sick of it.

I finally had to get a sponsor because it is required for IOP. It's honestly so stressful keeping up with the little things she tells me to read or do.

I am really only doing IOP (3x week), meetings (everyday), seeing my case worker (weekly), and then reading and writing and running errands with my parents... but it's so much? Add in hours online and endless pacing to get exercise. Oh and walking to the grocery store for laxatives. I got a call Monday about setting up a job interview, and I panicked. I  was scared of what would happen if I added a job. But I am broke too. All I have is one credit card to use. I got some cash to keep as a just in case. I didn't call back about the job, but I did return another call about my disability application.. because I think that's a better bet. My sponsor seemed to agree after I tried to explain it all to her. Basically, I don't want to look for work until I am done with IOP.

I don't know. I am over 2 months sober and out of the hospital, which is a record for the past year. I sent a picture of my 2 month chip to my ex sponsor and my friend B because I haven't talked to them.. well since my ex sponsor basically said she couldn't talk to me.. that was in November. I still think I would take any chance I could to drink. I am just telling myself that it will be easier when I earn a little more trust. My parents are finally trusting me to go out to dinner and leave me home. Only I binged and purged instead of going to the liquor store when they did.

So that was a lot of randomness. I apologize. It's late, but I wanted to write something.

Frustrations

I am struggling with a lot at the moment. I am struggling with the only times I leave the house being IOP, AA, or errands/meals with my parents. I feel very trapped. I feel like life has no purpose. I want to be able to just go for a walk or run to a store and wander around. I used to try to go out regularly when I lived alone because it helped with my mood and my anxiety. Somehow AA where I never talk and IOP (which I will go into shortly) don't seem to make a dent in this stir crazy, trapped feeling.

IOP.. I don't really know what to think of it. I guess I don't think it's helping? I am just not sure if that's my fault or a problem with the group. The group is basically just checking in by answering a series of questions (mostly about if we're going to meetings, doing readings, etc), then people present assignments (worksheets), and then we usually watch a video of some kind. I guess this seems to be working for other people, but I don't think it's helping me because alcohol was more a symptom than the cause of my problems. I have so much other crap in my head that I don't get any chance to talk about. Like the fact that I have quickly replaced alcoholism with a relapse into bulimia.. or that I am obsessing over plans to get alcohol or self harm or attempt suicide or to buy laxatives. Like I say I am thinking about drinking, and the therapist knows I have an eating disorder but I don't feel comfortable mentioning it in group.. I feel like any time I try to describe my mood and the shit in my head that I am going on to long and everyone is just staring.

Then today I had an individual session with the therapist. I don't really remember what I said at the beginning, but it led to a question about if other diagnoses had been discussed with me (and I knew where that was going).. and as he started to mention Axis II diagnoses I interrupted and said that borderline personality disorder has been mentioned. He talked about that and DBT and how I should look into that.. and I said that the DBT therapists wouldn't take me because of the drinking. I was thinking that it really isn't something I intend to tackle without a therapist of some kind or a group. I don't know the conversation about me looking into resources was frustrating because with no insurance, I can't really get any other help. The reason I am doing this IOP still is because it's all I can get. I mean I can talk to my caseworker, but I don't think I can really get much more help. That's why I am trying to sort through the shit in my head on my own. That's probably why I am getting worse.

He also brought up me needing to get a sponsor. I had explained last week about what happened with my last 2 sponsors, and so he said I need to work on my trust issues. Today I had to try to explain the part where she later told me she could only love me from a distance and leave me in God's hands.. which basically meant that she can't even talk to me now. So I have issues finding a sponsor when I seem to be toxic and hurt anyone who gets close to me in the program. I also am not 100% committed to recovery because quite frankly given the opportunity I would prefer to go back to drinking myself to death.. and so the steps and this IOP assume that someone is ready to give it up.. and I don't know that I am because I don't really have healthy coping skills.. that's why the bulimia was so easy to go back to. But I said I would find a sponsor because I don't want to be kicked out of IOP because my parents will be angry.

Oh and after this session.. our group today half consisted of going to some BBQ held by the treatment place... and I had previously expressed my desire not to go. I mean being vegetarian I don't like a room that smells like hotdogs and being bulimic I have a lot of anxiety being around lots of food and being crazy I have serious anxiety around strangers. So I awkardly stood around and decided to eat nothing and then sat at a table and played with my phone (looking at eating disorder websites) until we could leave. Then I walked to the grocery store because I had time to kill before another appointment. I wandered around and looked at food.. I looked at wine.. I ended up buying laxatives, a Pepsi Max, and a protein bar and then walked back. I get back and my caseworker was out sick, and nobody had called to tell me.. so I had to reschedule and call my mom to come get me. I had honestly wanted to see my caseworker to try to tell someone some of this. I guess not.

So that is a fraction of the things I am dealing with. There are other things that I don't have energy to go into tonight. I have to have enough crazy problems to occupy my mind while I am awake, right?

Ulterior motives

So I have probably told similar stories to this before. Those times where I have done something seemingly innocent or even actually helpful. Except, alcohol has fucked up my life so much that there is very frequently an ulterior motive. It may be as simple as to make up for my previous behavior and hopefully make myself seem less worthless. It might also be one of these weird alcoholic problems that I agonize over for days before coming up with a twisted solution.

Ok.. so a few days prior to my hospital admission at the end of January I went to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka.. I thought i bought a handle (1.75 liters). I know I filled 2 water bottles with vodka. I drank one that night, and I drank the other one February 5th when I got home. Except, that amount would not account for the whole bottle.. and what I had been doing recently is hiding bottles in the ground cover plants by the driveway/garage outside the house. Then when I had a chance, I would go outside and get them and refill the water bottles I had inside. That way if my parents found the bottles in the house, the main stash was safe outside.

The problem is.. I vaguely remember hiding it. I actually do remember thinking that I should take a photo of the hiding place in case I did get hospitalized and forgot where it was. I didn't. Then I get home in February, and my parents put up a security camera that covers most of the driveway, so I couldn't just go out and look very easily.. because I also didn't know if my parents had found the bottle already and so walking into the plants and looking around would be more suspicious than it would normally look. I watched my dad watching the cameras to figure out the spots not covered.. and would do something like take out the garbage and go briefly look.

I couldn't find it.

I tried this several times and gave up. Except a couple days ago my mom mentions trimming plants and other yard work. I become paranoid that she will cut the plants and find the bottle, and I agonized over how to explain it or make an excuse or handle this.

So yesterday, I volunteer to help.. also because I was feeling worthless and didn't want her to think I was lazy for going inside. We trimmed some plants along the fence. I helped. I asked my dad if we were doing those plants by the driveway, and he said I could if I wanted. So I got to walk through the plants and trim things while my parents were on another side of the house. I STILL haven't found a bottle. This means either it isn't there.. and I felt like my parents would have seemed more suspicious of my working over there if they knew I hid bottles there. Or it still is, but it is less likely to be found by my parents any time soon.

So this is basically totally pointless except to let you see the sort of bizarre troubles alcoholism gets you into.

What's bothering me

I have one on one sessions with the therapist from IOP each week in addition to group 3 days a week. I've seriously been questioning why I am doing this because the group isn't all that helpful. Basically we come in every time and go through a list of check in questions, then people present any assignments they've been given (which are the same for everyone, not individualized), then usually we watch some video downloaded from the internet about some therapy topic like shame, communication, and I tune them out too much to remember. So far only one thing was a new concept for me, and the rest have been pretty familiar.

Last week in my individual session, I ended up explaining to him what happened with my last 2 sponsors and how I obviously have trust issues. I didn't seem to get him to understand that it also has to do with my serious social anxiety. It also has to do with my severe anxiety in general. I keep running through how to explain it to someone every morning I go to group, but the blank looks I already get sometime make me think there's no point. But I have noticed that my anxiety is getting worse in a lot of ways. I have been talking in group about how my parents have been arguing and it really bothers me. It makes me feel trapped (more on this later). It makes me feel guilty and ashamed for living here. It makes me feel like my role is to fix it. It makes my world feel unsafe and uncertain. This is all very much the same as when I was a child, but it is complicated by current circumstances. I noticed the anxiety this past weekend when we went to an Irish music festival. My parents had several little blow ups. My mom tried to explain the first to me, which she has always talked to me when there's problems). Then we go to catch the train home. I know that part of my anxiety about the train is that if something goes wrong (we miss it, no seats, we have to wait) my Dad might get upset.. so I get anxious because I know it might happen. Well, he finds some seats to wait and gestures for us all to come over because for some reason he had been wanting to know where we were at all times. I sit but I know it's obvious on my face that I am near tears. My mom asks why, and I say that I think we need to be standing because there's more and more people coming to wait for the same train. So she tells my dad and brother that I think they should stand.. and I get to stand and anxiously think about the train.. and about changing trains.. and admittedly this all works out ok. Then my dad brings up getting something to eat once we're back in the car, but he's shooting down everyone's ideas. I am silent. Finally this time, my brother blows up and says to just drop him back at the house and he'd eat on his way home.
 My other daily anxiety is not unusual for me.. like if I have to go anywhere on any day, I become obsessive not just about being on time but how I want to be dressed by one time to give me time to sit and catch up on internet stuff, then I have to have my shoes and socks by a certain time because Heaven forbid I not have 15-20 minutes to sit down again before leaving. Basically I don't want to be rushed, but I plan and re-plan the time over and over. I get obsessive about meals and chores and asked to have dinner at a certain time today because if my parents decide to take me to the 6:30 meeting my mom will cook when I am there, and my food tonight was different and I didn't know exactly how to tell her to cook it. I was already panicking over on how to cook part of it without getting in the way of any other part of the meal. But most people don't understand this kind of thinking. They don't know that when I say I am having thoughts about drinking, I don't mean thinking a drink would be good.. or getting drunk would be good. It's agonizing about if I can find a window of time where my mom is asleep or both of them are out, if you can see my bedroom window from the front camera (pretty sure you can't), if I can get the window open (it seems stuck), if I can crawl out the window and avoid any areas covered by cameras, if I can get to and from the liquor store in time, and where I can hide the vodka. Actually drinking it is another set of thoughts. These basically run on repeat when there's nothing more pressing to fixate on.

But what I talked to the therapist about today (and what I intended to write about) is about basically feeling trapped.. and the trust issues involved. I told him that there are security cameras that cover both doors and the driveway. Last night I was mildly upset because I offered to take the recycling out (because my insane obsessing was convinced it was being picked up today and so I should offer), and when I got back inside I saw my Dad open the website or whatever to check the cameras. As soon as I came back in. I am a month sober and I was outside for like 2-3 minutes? So I can't leave the house without them knowing. He asked something about going to meetings and if they questioned if I was going. I explained that they drive me to the meetings and sit outside in their car until I am done. That is another issue with getting a sponsor.. how do I convince them to let me go early or stay late without either them spending more time sitting there (which means guilt) or somehow finding someone to give me a ride and risk being questioned or silently watched and suspected. My therapist mentioned buying a breathalyzer, but I am not convinced that's progress? This whole talk left me thinking about how maybe I should hide some of the locked up pills so that I don't have to count on them to give them to me if i give up and decide to leave and kill myself.. so basically my thinking is worse now.

I know it's an issue of trust, and I don't deserve any trust.. but I don't know how to regain it if I am never anywhere alone? I mean yes.. if I could drink without consquences.. or less consequences honestly, I would. But some of that is because I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like living this way is a great way to make me crazier so when I start applying for jobs, I am unable to function. As it is, the suicidal thoughts are very present. I have been purging again. I just feel empty and hopeless. I don't know how I am ever go from this to a reasonable, independent life again. I am not going to right more of why I believe that because 1. you can't convince me of anything else and 2. I don't need to spend more time thinking about it.

There's more I meant to write about but don't have energy for.. so I will be around soon.

Dear vodka,

I was supposed to write a goodbye letter to alcohol for IOP.. It's supposed to be about when you started drinking, what bad things happened as a result of your drinking, and a goodbye to the substance. I am not sure I wrote exactly what they want. I thankfully have an individual session with the therapist before group. I might run it by him to see if it is appropriate to read in group. I just felt like being honest for once, and the honest answer is that I am not committed to recovery. I am giving it a try, but I obsess daily over getting vodka. But anyway... feedback is welcome. I wrote like 3 versions of this, and I think this is the final one

Dear Vodka, 

I remember how you came into my life. I was struggling to adapt to the stress of grad school. I had been struggling with depression for a decade at least. I tried to fix it with cutting and with bulimia. Those things never worked for long. I found you, and even at the beginning it was not a healthy relationship. I knew I didn't drink normally. I didn’t drink for taste or for fun. I drank to get rid of my feelings.

But you took the pain away. I got that numbness I searched for. I didn't have to feel lonely anymore. You gave me a way to erase all the anxiety and anger and sadness. You drowned out the constant obsessive, destructive thoughts. You kept me alive when I wanted to die. When I left you, all the destructive behaviors came back. I tried sobriety multiple times, but I always sunk back into depression. I always went back to you eventually.

You hurt me in so many ways. Many nights I would black out and wake up with bruises. My body suffered. I couldn’t keep down food. I was so weak that my legs would give out climbing the stairs. My hands would shake. My eyes turned yellow. All I really did was drink and sleep. You hurt my mind. I was forgetful. I became paranoid that everyone could look at me and know I was crazy. I became incapable of controlling my feelings sober. I cried over tiny things. I became incredibly anxious about everything. You made me impulsive. I had never needed stitches until I cut drunk. It became impossible to keep up with my medications, and it didn’t matter because they know longer worked.

I lost everything: my job, my car, my apartment, my independence. I was a drunken, emotional mess who couldn’t handle any part of my life. I no longer spoke to friends. I left grad school. I was terrified to go out in public, to check my mail, to answer my phone. I moved in with my parents, and there were so many arguments. They threatened to kick me out more than once. I tried treatment after treatment. I knew it was hopeless. I tried more than once to kill myself. You kept me alive.

I cannot imagine life with you or without you. If I drink, I will lose any little thing I have left. I know you will kill me eventually. It might be soon or it could be much later. Without you, I am left with the depression and anxiety and the obsessive thoughts. I chose sobriety because others wanted me to. They wanted me to continue to seek treatment that I am not certain will make any difference. I am depressed. I am tired. I don’t see any hope.

For now I will say goodbye to you. I have to give this a try. That way in the end I can at least say that I gave recovery a shot. I at least tried.