So I am not doing well. I have started entries a couple times and given up. I don't know what to say. I am really not a fan of myself these days. I feel worthless.
I drank Friday and Saturday. I spent an evening at my sponsor's house with vodka hidden in my backpack. Technically, she never asked if I had gone to the liquor store, so I didn't lie. Sunday I didn't drink because of course the liquor stores were closed.
Monday I felt terribly. My brain just kept thinking about giving up and wanting to give up, and I wasn't even sure what I wanted to give up on. I wanted to give up on sobriety and meetings and pretty much anything that doesn't involve hiding out in my apartment. I did text my sponsor this and she asked me to call her.
I tried explaining what was going on in my head. I acknowledged I knew that staying home was a terrible idea. She said I could take a break from the current meetings I go to and find other ones, but clearly giving up on meetings is a bad idea. I knew this.. I have said before that I think going to meetings keeps me alive. If I stopped going, I don't think I'd make it back. She asked about my schedule and said she would cook something good for dinner and save me a plate.
I finished teaching pretty early, and I decided I wanted to go to the liquor store. I texted her this rather than calling. I went to the liquor store and then went by her house. Nobody was there. Rather than going inside and waiting, I drove around. She texted me back basically about my plan to go to the store and then her house was b.s. I am not sure exactly what she meant, but I decided to go home. She sent me that text an hour after I had texted her.
I went home and ate dinner and then drank. Yesterday I went to the noon meeting. I saw her there but she had to leave for work. She said she was glad I was there. I went to my friend's house after school and the liquor store on the way back. I never called her. I didn't call her today either.
So mostly just hiding, but I'm probably lying to myself. I think things are worse than I tell people. I kept trying to think of a way to explain (to my sponsor if I decided to say it) that I'm not suicidal but I have been having suicidal thoughts. That statement didn't seem quite right. I think it's why I've avoided that subject. I've done stuff like look online for information about overdosing on various medications. I know that's not normal, but I guess it's semi-normal for me. I think I'm giving up on life. I don't intend to kill myself, but things feel hopeless.
I went to a meeting tonight, and I realize I do need to call my sponsor. I keep thinking that maybe I could hang out at her house Friday, but I can't bring myself to ask. I feel like a waste of her time and of space and food and everything pretty much. If she invited me, I'd say yes, but I feel bad even taking up her time by calling. I can't seem to call anyone else either. I feel like I am never going to get well, so I am just hurting other people by letting them try to help me. They care about me so much more than I care about myself.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Is this the addict in me or am I spending too much time around children?
So my car is still in the shop, so when I returned the rental car my friend dropped me off at my sponsor's house. They (her and the girls) were getting ready for some fall festival/carnival at school. She stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and we talked some.
The conversation was about me not eating... which was the main battle yesterday. She said that her sponsor said that I had to eat. Eating is now non-negotiable.
2 things crossed my mind. Both of which are very immature and unhealthy. Mainly immature
1. Well, I have plenty of experience lying about what I've eaten
2. She says it's non-negotiable, but what exactly is the consequence?
I mean.. she can't (I guess this is technically an assumption) force feed me. If me drinking on many occasions has not dissuaded her from remaining my sponsor, is not eating at her house going to do that?
She asked about my motive because she has a theory. I said that i was having suicidal thoughts and starving myself takes the edge off because it's self destructive. She said it's because it alters my mood/feelings. I thought that was included in my explanation. I did acknowledge that I switch addictions, but I thought that was understood because I started cutting.
I wonder (and this is disordered) that maybe because I am so overweight, she never anticipated refusal to eat as a possible problem. She knew I was bulimic, and so I expected she might ask about purging (which I've done once every couple weeks). She's asked about self harm. I don't think anyone expects a fat bulimic not to eat. It is however a pattern of mine, but it predates me going to AA
The point of this story/argument (I will continue more with my history) is that I feel like I have been more stubborn and argumentative lately. I do not know if this is because I have had periods of sobriety and the addict in me is searching for other problems. Or maybe I have been around a 9 year old and a 12(or 13) year old has kinda rubbed off. They argue over food, showers, bed, computer, and all sorts of things. And maybe that's why I argue now. I see that I can. (at this point I start rambling about the past if you wish to stop reading)
I was never that way at that age. I was quiet and secretive, and I didn't have a cell phone until I was 17, and even then it was shared with my mom. I only had my own in college. But maybe listening to them argue has made it simpler to argue with her. And maybe winning these battles over food or whatever is bringing the same joy it would at that age. I hid so much from my parents. I was so afraid of being "bad" like my brother was (skipping classes, not doing homework, etc) that I was a "perfect" child. I mean.. I called to go home from a sleepover because my friend's older sister was drinking or I refused to watch an R rated movie while at a friend's house. Maybe now I get to be that rebel child.. except I'm 28. I do realize that I have childish responses when challenged. I just don't know if that's me or if I'm becoming one of her daughters.
She texted me that her older daughter told her she likes having me around. The younger one is obvious.. she hugs me, she talks to me, and I admittedly have no idea how to deal with it.. but she gets upset when I go home sometimes even though clearly I always come back. The other I had wondered about. I am there sometimes when she gets home from school. I am either working on grading or watching tv. Yesterday she commented that she didn't even notice I was there until she walked into the room.. I had assumed she heard the screaming on the show I was watching. I kept pausing it while she was nearby because it's not really child appropriate.. but I guess she likes me too. This is all very weird. I am not used to people caring about me this way.. especially not children. It threatens my idea that I am a bad and unlovable person. That kinda pisses me off.
My 2nd semester in grad school (don't know if I've talked about this) I had my teaching position taken away. This was essentially because I had been in the psych ward my 1st semester and missed a week of school.. This alone should not have been a reason, but I had struggled with ED and self harm and I'm sure the department head knew about that.
Well, I had continued eating at least some because my boss got really upset if I didn't. She was convinced I would pass out while teaching. I knew this was unlikely based on my past, but she had a reason to be concerned. When I wasn't teaching, I had no reason to have to eat. I would stop eating for 2 days or at most 72 hours. Then I would eat. I would go a day or 2 on only broth or maybe juice, and my mentor thought that having broth was a huge accomplishment. It was I guess, but I also managed to put on enough show to convince her that virtually no calories was far greater than no calories or purging 5-6 times a day.
So people who didn't know me then or during the first couple years of my eating disorder do not understand how simple it is not to eat. My sponsor has hypoglycemia or close to that, so she can't skip meals. My body is fucked up enough to be used to prolonged periods without food. But again.. if you aren't thin, nobody expects you to starve yourself. She asked how the 6pm meeting was, which one of the reasons I was there and not home was that I could walk to this meeting. I forgot. I was reading diet tips and shit online and forgot.
It does worry me how slippery this slope is.. alcohol turns so quickly to self harm and to ED. I do see the reality of this. I just am still at a point where I don't care. Death is still ok, and I did finally mention the suicidal thoughts, which are a coping mechanism as well. Sometimes the idea of passive suicidality is lost on people.. maybe she'll get it. Maybe I hide it too well.
And I guess if you read all of this (and I do thank you for putting up with me), I will admit something. I went to the liquor store around 11am today.. before I went shopping with a friend, before I returned my rental car, and before I saw my sponsor. It was in backpack that sat in her house while I was there. I will probably admit this at some point. I feel less guilty because she does always add "you can drink later" or "you can drink tomorrow" in our conversations.. and I was mostly there to not self destruct or kill myself, and I accomplished that. Though in general I am a bad person.
The conversation was about me not eating... which was the main battle yesterday. She said that her sponsor said that I had to eat. Eating is now non-negotiable.
2 things crossed my mind. Both of which are very immature and unhealthy. Mainly immature
1. Well, I have plenty of experience lying about what I've eaten
2. She says it's non-negotiable, but what exactly is the consequence?
I mean.. she can't (I guess this is technically an assumption) force feed me. If me drinking on many occasions has not dissuaded her from remaining my sponsor, is not eating at her house going to do that?
She asked about my motive because she has a theory. I said that i was having suicidal thoughts and starving myself takes the edge off because it's self destructive. She said it's because it alters my mood/feelings. I thought that was included in my explanation. I did acknowledge that I switch addictions, but I thought that was understood because I started cutting.
I wonder (and this is disordered) that maybe because I am so overweight, she never anticipated refusal to eat as a possible problem. She knew I was bulimic, and so I expected she might ask about purging (which I've done once every couple weeks). She's asked about self harm. I don't think anyone expects a fat bulimic not to eat. It is however a pattern of mine, but it predates me going to AA
The point of this story/argument (I will continue more with my history) is that I feel like I have been more stubborn and argumentative lately. I do not know if this is because I have had periods of sobriety and the addict in me is searching for other problems. Or maybe I have been around a 9 year old and a 12(or 13) year old has kinda rubbed off. They argue over food, showers, bed, computer, and all sorts of things. And maybe that's why I argue now. I see that I can. (at this point I start rambling about the past if you wish to stop reading)
I was never that way at that age. I was quiet and secretive, and I didn't have a cell phone until I was 17, and even then it was shared with my mom. I only had my own in college. But maybe listening to them argue has made it simpler to argue with her. And maybe winning these battles over food or whatever is bringing the same joy it would at that age. I hid so much from my parents. I was so afraid of being "bad" like my brother was (skipping classes, not doing homework, etc) that I was a "perfect" child. I mean.. I called to go home from a sleepover because my friend's older sister was drinking or I refused to watch an R rated movie while at a friend's house. Maybe now I get to be that rebel child.. except I'm 28. I do realize that I have childish responses when challenged. I just don't know if that's me or if I'm becoming one of her daughters.
She texted me that her older daughter told her she likes having me around. The younger one is obvious.. she hugs me, she talks to me, and I admittedly have no idea how to deal with it.. but she gets upset when I go home sometimes even though clearly I always come back. The other I had wondered about. I am there sometimes when she gets home from school. I am either working on grading or watching tv. Yesterday she commented that she didn't even notice I was there until she walked into the room.. I had assumed she heard the screaming on the show I was watching. I kept pausing it while she was nearby because it's not really child appropriate.. but I guess she likes me too. This is all very weird. I am not used to people caring about me this way.. especially not children. It threatens my idea that I am a bad and unlovable person. That kinda pisses me off.
My 2nd semester in grad school (don't know if I've talked about this) I had my teaching position taken away. This was essentially because I had been in the psych ward my 1st semester and missed a week of school.. This alone should not have been a reason, but I had struggled with ED and self harm and I'm sure the department head knew about that.
Well, I had continued eating at least some because my boss got really upset if I didn't. She was convinced I would pass out while teaching. I knew this was unlikely based on my past, but she had a reason to be concerned. When I wasn't teaching, I had no reason to have to eat. I would stop eating for 2 days or at most 72 hours. Then I would eat. I would go a day or 2 on only broth or maybe juice, and my mentor thought that having broth was a huge accomplishment. It was I guess, but I also managed to put on enough show to convince her that virtually no calories was far greater than no calories or purging 5-6 times a day.
So people who didn't know me then or during the first couple years of my eating disorder do not understand how simple it is not to eat. My sponsor has hypoglycemia or close to that, so she can't skip meals. My body is fucked up enough to be used to prolonged periods without food. But again.. if you aren't thin, nobody expects you to starve yourself. She asked how the 6pm meeting was, which one of the reasons I was there and not home was that I could walk to this meeting. I forgot. I was reading diet tips and shit online and forgot.
It does worry me how slippery this slope is.. alcohol turns so quickly to self harm and to ED. I do see the reality of this. I just am still at a point where I don't care. Death is still ok, and I did finally mention the suicidal thoughts, which are a coping mechanism as well. Sometimes the idea of passive suicidality is lost on people.. maybe she'll get it. Maybe I hide it too well.
And I guess if you read all of this (and I do thank you for putting up with me), I will admit something. I went to the liquor store around 11am today.. before I went shopping with a friend, before I returned my rental car, and before I saw my sponsor. It was in backpack that sat in her house while I was there. I will probably admit this at some point. I feel less guilty because she does always add "you can drink later" or "you can drink tomorrow" in our conversations.. and I was mostly there to not self destruct or kill myself, and I accomplished that. Though in general I am a bad person.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Being manipulated
First just a bit of whining. In August I took my car to a transmission repair place because it stopped letting me shift into 5th gear or reverse. They replaced some cable. Recently, it got to where it is extremely difficult to get into those years. I tried over and over yesterday to shift into reverse to get out of a parking space. It wouldn't work.. of course I call to get it towed to the repair shop and that guy gets it in reverse. He was saying how I needed to be shifting differently.. Then thankfully as he was showing me this (well.. sort of thankful), he had trouble too several times. He said something about maybe needing a new transmission, and I hope he was joking.
I rented a car today to get around. After the guy picked up my car around 1, I went to the craft store and a couple more places. I didn't want to go home. I found myself this morning looking up overdoses on various medications and reading websites and articles. So I decided with being upset over the car, I shouldn't be home alone. I also wanted to drink.
I called my sponsor and she said to go to my house and how she leftovers in the fridge I could have for lunch (I hadn't eaten yet). She said several times in the conversation how I could drink later.
I went to her house.. I looked at the food in the fridge and didn't want it. I watched tv. A few other times I looked at food in the fridge and in the pantry. I didn't want anything. I had a can of coke zero.
I considered going to the 6pm meeting.. honestly because I could leave the house before my sponsor got home and maybe buy vodka afterward. The thought of a meeting made me want to cry.. actually at this point I just wanted to cry.
My sponsor got home.. she asked if I ate and I said no. She offered me various food, and I finally told her the thought of eating made me want to cry, and she said she could see that. This continued for a while.
Her daughter had a choir concert at 7:30 she decided I was going to. I said I wanted to go home, and she said no. Yes, realistically I know I could have just left. I could have just driven home.. I didn't. She has this matter of fact way of saying this stuff.. like it's just true whether I like it or not. I pick up my purse to leave and she announces we're taking one car.
I am not used to be the one being manipulated. I'm used to lying and manipulating. I also have trouble lying to her. I have settled on the belief that if I'm not lying about alcohol, it's ok.. since technically she is my AA sponsor. Otherwise, it's a matter of lying by omission because she doesn't always know what questions to ask to find things out. It's made me sneaky.
I went to the concert.. I spent a lot of it trying to figure out how to get to school for the required stuff, to the liquor store, and return the rental car at 5.. complicated. I settled on either going to the liquor store before school at noon or between 1 and 3. Then I realized I have to hide the vodka because I am returning the car. I had intended to have a friend take me home, and then I realized I would be stuck at home with no car.. and even I can see that isn't a safe idea. So i think I'm going to my sponsors and possibly neglecting to mention the vodka if I buy it.
I mentioned in the text about tomorrow.. and probably at other times how being at home was a bad or unsafe idea. I have not actually mentioned being suicidal. I'm not sure how she'd react. I mean.. the depression is pretty obvious, and she knows about the cutting. I may tell her tomorrow or I won't. I do NOT want to end up in the hospital, and it really isn't that bad right now.
I rented a car today to get around. After the guy picked up my car around 1, I went to the craft store and a couple more places. I didn't want to go home. I found myself this morning looking up overdoses on various medications and reading websites and articles. So I decided with being upset over the car, I shouldn't be home alone. I also wanted to drink.
I called my sponsor and she said to go to my house and how she leftovers in the fridge I could have for lunch (I hadn't eaten yet). She said several times in the conversation how I could drink later.
I went to her house.. I looked at the food in the fridge and didn't want it. I watched tv. A few other times I looked at food in the fridge and in the pantry. I didn't want anything. I had a can of coke zero.
I considered going to the 6pm meeting.. honestly because I could leave the house before my sponsor got home and maybe buy vodka afterward. The thought of a meeting made me want to cry.. actually at this point I just wanted to cry.
My sponsor got home.. she asked if I ate and I said no. She offered me various food, and I finally told her the thought of eating made me want to cry, and she said she could see that. This continued for a while.
Her daughter had a choir concert at 7:30 she decided I was going to. I said I wanted to go home, and she said no. Yes, realistically I know I could have just left. I could have just driven home.. I didn't. She has this matter of fact way of saying this stuff.. like it's just true whether I like it or not. I pick up my purse to leave and she announces we're taking one car.
I am not used to be the one being manipulated. I'm used to lying and manipulating. I also have trouble lying to her. I have settled on the belief that if I'm not lying about alcohol, it's ok.. since technically she is my AA sponsor. Otherwise, it's a matter of lying by omission because she doesn't always know what questions to ask to find things out. It's made me sneaky.
I went to the concert.. I spent a lot of it trying to figure out how to get to school for the required stuff, to the liquor store, and return the rental car at 5.. complicated. I settled on either going to the liquor store before school at noon or between 1 and 3. Then I realized I have to hide the vodka because I am returning the car. I had intended to have a friend take me home, and then I realized I would be stuck at home with no car.. and even I can see that isn't a safe idea. So i think I'm going to my sponsors and possibly neglecting to mention the vodka if I buy it.
I mentioned in the text about tomorrow.. and probably at other times how being at home was a bad or unsafe idea. I have not actually mentioned being suicidal. I'm not sure how she'd react. I mean.. the depression is pretty obvious, and she knows about the cutting. I may tell her tomorrow or I won't. I do NOT want to end up in the hospital, and it really isn't that bad right now.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
The lesser of two evils?
I will preface this by saying that I do know there is no real answer to this question, so I am not really expecting one. I'm just rambling. Also some of this may be triggering, so I'll include that warning.
So here is the question that keeps coming to mind.. not just this week but off and on for months. Is it better to drink or self harm? Is it better to drink and not think about suicide? Is it better to drink and shut off the depression so I don't think bad things?
There really isn't an answer. Drinking is also hurting me and could kill me.. and the dilemma there is that I don't always mind the idea of it killing me (provided it is not in a way that hurts anyone else). I'm more scared by the concept of living.. sober or not.
I really am not that suicidal. I don't have a plan or a timeline. I'm at the passive stage where I think it wouldn't be so bad if I died in my sleep or from some illness or some accident. I'm ok with that. I had a brief thought about how much I have of a certain medication. I was thinking about one of my antidepressants (that i really think is not working) and just had that thought briefly enter my mind. They're fairly large pink pills so it was more a mental image.
I do realize this is bad. That's why drinking was so appealing. I've been a mess. Things have gradually been getting worse. I have been cutting.. not deeply or badly, but I am aware any self harm is bad. I haven't burned myself in a while.
I actually gave my lighter to my sponsor yesterday. I hadn't planned on it. I think God was giving me a hint. My sponsor called in the afternoon asking me for a favor. Her car had been in the shop and she had borrowed one from someone. She wanted to return the borrowed car last night, so she had me follow her in her car (my car is having problems) while she drove that one back. When we took her van to get the borrowed car, she kept searching her purse for a lighter so she could smoke. I didn't say anything. We dropped off the borrowed car and my sponsor got back in hers to drive us back. She started searching her purse again. I finally gave in and said I had one. She said "You'd better not" but I got it out and handed to her. She said (jokingly) how I was a bad person, and then (still jokingly) corrected that to I'm a good person who does bad things. That I'll agree with.
This goes into some ED stuff
I first got to her house a bit before 8 after I finished teaching. She asked if I was hungry, and I said no. She asked on the way back if I was hungry yet. I said no. Unfortunately (in my head) she then asked what I had eaten, and the answer was nothing. I had coke zero and water, and it was now almost 9pm. She was not real happy about that. She started asking what I wanted to eat, and I finally said I'd have a sandwich. I had a sandwich and fruit (which she set down and said I'd also have fruit).
I realize this is not much food for a whole day. It's less than I would normally have, but I really didn't want it. I legitimately have had no desire to eat lately. I ate it and driving home I really wanted to purge, but I talked myself out of it. I did however come home and pulled up some diet site I signed up for in September and never really used. I put in all the food to get the total calories. It was less than I had in my mind, but I was never good at counting calories so I always overestimated. Then.. I decided to weigh myself.
I have no idea if the weight is right because my scale is ancient, cheap, and has been buried under random stuff in my kitchen for months. I got on and weighed, and I was down almost 8 pounds since September. I am very overweight, but I don't want to give a number. I knew I had lost weight because suddenly I needed a belt with every pair of jeans I own. This morning it was 2 pounds less since this was before meals and not at night.
The weight loss hasn't been intentional.. I just am not drinking 1000+ calories of vodka everyday. Only very recently has eating become difficult and I started skipping meals. I do wonder if the weight loss triggered more eating disorder thoughts. A few days ago I was reading some unhealthy boards on pinterest.. not like "thinspiration" pictures but quotes about hating your body or not wanting to eat etc..
This morning I had to be at school by 9. I debated stopping for breakfast. Part of me said no, and part said yes if it was all I ate. I got breakfast on the way to school and ate it in my car. Then 90% of my brain began saying I should purge it, so I did.
The mix of ED thoughts and depressed/self destructive thoughts was too much today. I just felt miserable and it kept getting worse. I was planning to stay at school and work this afternoon. I did get a lot during the time I had to be there, but I just knew I was going to start crying. I walked to my car wanting to drink. I texted my sponsor to see if she was busy. I called her about 15 minutes later. It went straight to voicemail. I found out a few hours later her phone was dead.
Anyway, I was a good alcoholic and called someone else. I stared at my contacts and I have very few numbers. My friend I would want to call was probably at work. I called the one who kept bugging me last week because I knew she'd answer (I don't think she has a job). I was crying (quietly I guess) the whole time. I said I wanted to go to the liquor store. She invited me to her place. I explained that I am truly sick of people. We finally settled on I should go home and take a nap. I was willing to do that.
I was in bed for 1 1/2 hours and then got up. I still wanted to drink, so I went to the liquor store and grocery store because I had very little food at home (the other reason I haven't wanted to eat).
I got home and of course then the woman calls me again. It was awkward.. I considered lying, but I gave in and told her I bought the vodka. Unfortunately I had not started drinking.. so she went through all kinds of options on how to put off drinking until tomorrow. I said I'd consider them. I said I didn't want to make promises, and I really did think about it. I mentioned the dilemma about the 2 evils. I shouldn't have because I know it's upsetting. Anyway... I eventually agreed to meet her for the noon meeting tomorrow. That I could agree to. I did drink, but not immediately.
I have mixed feeling about being sober. I understand and believe it has done good things for other people. Other sober people seem happy. I have not been happy lately. I am tired and depressed and being around people is uncomfortable and depressing too. I guess maybe that changes? Or maybe I get sober and get my meds changed and things get better? Or am I just miserable sober like I was depressed long before I started drinking. I don't know. I don't know.
So here is the question that keeps coming to mind.. not just this week but off and on for months. Is it better to drink or self harm? Is it better to drink and not think about suicide? Is it better to drink and shut off the depression so I don't think bad things?
There really isn't an answer. Drinking is also hurting me and could kill me.. and the dilemma there is that I don't always mind the idea of it killing me (provided it is not in a way that hurts anyone else). I'm more scared by the concept of living.. sober or not.
I really am not that suicidal. I don't have a plan or a timeline. I'm at the passive stage where I think it wouldn't be so bad if I died in my sleep or from some illness or some accident. I'm ok with that. I had a brief thought about how much I have of a certain medication. I was thinking about one of my antidepressants (that i really think is not working) and just had that thought briefly enter my mind. They're fairly large pink pills so it was more a mental image.
I do realize this is bad. That's why drinking was so appealing. I've been a mess. Things have gradually been getting worse. I have been cutting.. not deeply or badly, but I am aware any self harm is bad. I haven't burned myself in a while.
I actually gave my lighter to my sponsor yesterday. I hadn't planned on it. I think God was giving me a hint. My sponsor called in the afternoon asking me for a favor. Her car had been in the shop and she had borrowed one from someone. She wanted to return the borrowed car last night, so she had me follow her in her car (my car is having problems) while she drove that one back. When we took her van to get the borrowed car, she kept searching her purse for a lighter so she could smoke. I didn't say anything. We dropped off the borrowed car and my sponsor got back in hers to drive us back. She started searching her purse again. I finally gave in and said I had one. She said "You'd better not" but I got it out and handed to her. She said (jokingly) how I was a bad person, and then (still jokingly) corrected that to I'm a good person who does bad things. That I'll agree with.
This goes into some ED stuff
I first got to her house a bit before 8 after I finished teaching. She asked if I was hungry, and I said no. She asked on the way back if I was hungry yet. I said no. Unfortunately (in my head) she then asked what I had eaten, and the answer was nothing. I had coke zero and water, and it was now almost 9pm. She was not real happy about that. She started asking what I wanted to eat, and I finally said I'd have a sandwich. I had a sandwich and fruit (which she set down and said I'd also have fruit).
I realize this is not much food for a whole day. It's less than I would normally have, but I really didn't want it. I legitimately have had no desire to eat lately. I ate it and driving home I really wanted to purge, but I talked myself out of it. I did however come home and pulled up some diet site I signed up for in September and never really used. I put in all the food to get the total calories. It was less than I had in my mind, but I was never good at counting calories so I always overestimated. Then.. I decided to weigh myself.
I have no idea if the weight is right because my scale is ancient, cheap, and has been buried under random stuff in my kitchen for months. I got on and weighed, and I was down almost 8 pounds since September. I am very overweight, but I don't want to give a number. I knew I had lost weight because suddenly I needed a belt with every pair of jeans I own. This morning it was 2 pounds less since this was before meals and not at night.
The weight loss hasn't been intentional.. I just am not drinking 1000+ calories of vodka everyday. Only very recently has eating become difficult and I started skipping meals. I do wonder if the weight loss triggered more eating disorder thoughts. A few days ago I was reading some unhealthy boards on pinterest.. not like "thinspiration" pictures but quotes about hating your body or not wanting to eat etc..
This morning I had to be at school by 9. I debated stopping for breakfast. Part of me said no, and part said yes if it was all I ate. I got breakfast on the way to school and ate it in my car. Then 90% of my brain began saying I should purge it, so I did.
The mix of ED thoughts and depressed/self destructive thoughts was too much today. I just felt miserable and it kept getting worse. I was planning to stay at school and work this afternoon. I did get a lot during the time I had to be there, but I just knew I was going to start crying. I walked to my car wanting to drink. I texted my sponsor to see if she was busy. I called her about 15 minutes later. It went straight to voicemail. I found out a few hours later her phone was dead.
Anyway, I was a good alcoholic and called someone else. I stared at my contacts and I have very few numbers. My friend I would want to call was probably at work. I called the one who kept bugging me last week because I knew she'd answer (I don't think she has a job). I was crying (quietly I guess) the whole time. I said I wanted to go to the liquor store. She invited me to her place. I explained that I am truly sick of people. We finally settled on I should go home and take a nap. I was willing to do that.
I was in bed for 1 1/2 hours and then got up. I still wanted to drink, so I went to the liquor store and grocery store because I had very little food at home (the other reason I haven't wanted to eat).
I got home and of course then the woman calls me again. It was awkward.. I considered lying, but I gave in and told her I bought the vodka. Unfortunately I had not started drinking.. so she went through all kinds of options on how to put off drinking until tomorrow. I said I'd consider them. I said I didn't want to make promises, and I really did think about it. I mentioned the dilemma about the 2 evils. I shouldn't have because I know it's upsetting. Anyway... I eventually agreed to meet her for the noon meeting tomorrow. That I could agree to. I did drink, but not immediately.
I have mixed feeling about being sober. I understand and believe it has done good things for other people. Other sober people seem happy. I have not been happy lately. I am tired and depressed and being around people is uncomfortable and depressing too. I guess maybe that changes? Or maybe I get sober and get my meds changed and things get better? Or am I just miserable sober like I was depressed long before I started drinking. I don't know. I don't know.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Slipping
I made it through the weekend ok.. well.. sorta. I slept at my sponsor's friday. In the morning she was going shopping with her mother, which was awesome because I got to sleep. I slept till 11, which was mainly because I didn't fall asleep until around 3am. Still not succeeding at sleeping.
Went to the women's meeting in the afternoon. I managed not to have to go to any other meetings because my sponsor cooked dinner. I felt a little bad because she made hamburgers, and I am really weird about meat being fully cooked.. and mine was a tad rare. I picked off some pieces to eat trying to eat enough that I could claim I just wasn't hungry.. and I wasn't hungry. Plus, she put onions in them which was also a bit gross. She didn't say anything about me not finishing, so hopefully she didn't care.
We watched tv, and she got into an argument with one of her daughters.. and actually the younger one too because she kept bothering us (and we were watching something fairly violent). Anyway, it was super uncomfortable.. and weird. The argument was about makeup remover wipes and how the daughter kept leaving them open and was saying they didn't work, while my sponsor said they worked fine. She told her daughter she would have to start buying her own if she left them open (or something not sure of the whole argument). Then her daughter starts yelling about how she's saving her money for college because there won't be enough money. Her daughter is only 13, so this is very early to be that upset, but I'm guessing this is a teenager overreacting thing. Honestly, my parents helped for living expenses but they didn't save money to pay tuition for me or my brother.. but I just stayed out of it.
Anyway, it was tense.. so I was happy to leave at around 10. My sponsor asked if I was going to hurt myself, and I said no. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes. I knew the 2nd one was a lie. I had this sinking feeling walking to my car. It might be the weather getting cold or me being tired or just depression, but I had this feeling I should go back and stay another night. I didn't. I went home, and I did cut.
Monday I didn't do so well. After I finished teaching I went to the liquor store. I knew ahead of time I was going to do it, and I didn't call anyone. I just wanted to. I went home and drank (16 shots of vodka). My sponsor texted me that I should go to a meeting and then just go to bed, and I texted her that I had gone to the liquor store. I also ordered pizza and overate. I had breadsticks and chicken wings and a slice of pizza plus a piece of cake. I ended up purging because I felt sick. Then Tuesday morning I threw up again twice.. not sure if it was a hangover or because I didn't have enough food in my stomach. I felt miserable yesterday. I kept feeling either really warm or really cold, and I felt nauseous which means I really didn't try to eat much.
I haven't had a drink since Monday, but I want one really bad. I don't even know why, but I guess it was a break from the depression and self destructing. I have been annoyed because this one woman keeps calling me.. she texted me yesterday about how long I had been sober and then she called when I didn't respond. I admitted about the slip. She then called to nag me about going to a meeting in the evening. I actually was grading papers at my sponsor's house and finished right before 6, but I just didn't go because I didn't feel well. I stayed for dinner (I really didn't want to eat but she made a plate for me when she fed her daughters), and I did go to a meeting at 8. Same woman has called 3 times today and texted me.. and it's really pissing me off. She's a nice person, but I really don't feel like talking to anyone sometimes and especially if people keep bothering me. I am still tired.
It was weird last night though.. I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up a couple prescriptions, and the guy said that there were 3 ready for me. He commented on the price of them.. that one was $4 and the others were around $30. Now.. I had no idea what the 3rd prescription was. I didn't even ask (that's the kinda screwed up part of this story) because it was only $4, so I just paid for all 3. It ended up being for Trazadone.. and a higher dose than I remember taking. I looked today and the last time it was filled was in July, and I don't remember seeing it when I looked at prescriptions online. But I have been trouble sleeping, and I took this to help me sleep.. so that's good? It's not an addictive prescription, and it was prescribed (at some point) by my current psychiatrist. It was just weird.
I have a tendency to hoard medications, which is probably why I paid for it without asking. It's also why I was surprised I didn't know about it because I would probably have filled it at some point if it was there because any of the medications for anxiety or sleep I will fill and just keep. I have a bunch of gabapentin that is a higher dose than I am currently prescribed. I also filled the lower dose and haven't taken that. I have bottles of antidepressants I haven't taken in a while. For a while I had a bunch of trazadone I got from a friend. I have had anti-nausea medication for over a year because my doctor gave me 30 pills and I only took 1 at the time.
Definitely have a problem.. I've had to lie to a psychiatrist in the hospital and claim someone threw out my stockpile of pills because he didn't want me going home and having them there. I didn't have anyone throw them out. I thought I just didn't want to inconvenience anyone, but probably I wanted to keep them.
Went to the women's meeting in the afternoon. I managed not to have to go to any other meetings because my sponsor cooked dinner. I felt a little bad because she made hamburgers, and I am really weird about meat being fully cooked.. and mine was a tad rare. I picked off some pieces to eat trying to eat enough that I could claim I just wasn't hungry.. and I wasn't hungry. Plus, she put onions in them which was also a bit gross. She didn't say anything about me not finishing, so hopefully she didn't care.
We watched tv, and she got into an argument with one of her daughters.. and actually the younger one too because she kept bothering us (and we were watching something fairly violent). Anyway, it was super uncomfortable.. and weird. The argument was about makeup remover wipes and how the daughter kept leaving them open and was saying they didn't work, while my sponsor said they worked fine. She told her daughter she would have to start buying her own if she left them open (or something not sure of the whole argument). Then her daughter starts yelling about how she's saving her money for college because there won't be enough money. Her daughter is only 13, so this is very early to be that upset, but I'm guessing this is a teenager overreacting thing. Honestly, my parents helped for living expenses but they didn't save money to pay tuition for me or my brother.. but I just stayed out of it.
Anyway, it was tense.. so I was happy to leave at around 10. My sponsor asked if I was going to hurt myself, and I said no. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes. I knew the 2nd one was a lie. I had this sinking feeling walking to my car. It might be the weather getting cold or me being tired or just depression, but I had this feeling I should go back and stay another night. I didn't. I went home, and I did cut.
Monday I didn't do so well. After I finished teaching I went to the liquor store. I knew ahead of time I was going to do it, and I didn't call anyone. I just wanted to. I went home and drank (16 shots of vodka). My sponsor texted me that I should go to a meeting and then just go to bed, and I texted her that I had gone to the liquor store. I also ordered pizza and overate. I had breadsticks and chicken wings and a slice of pizza plus a piece of cake. I ended up purging because I felt sick. Then Tuesday morning I threw up again twice.. not sure if it was a hangover or because I didn't have enough food in my stomach. I felt miserable yesterday. I kept feeling either really warm or really cold, and I felt nauseous which means I really didn't try to eat much.
I haven't had a drink since Monday, but I want one really bad. I don't even know why, but I guess it was a break from the depression and self destructing. I have been annoyed because this one woman keeps calling me.. she texted me yesterday about how long I had been sober and then she called when I didn't respond. I admitted about the slip. She then called to nag me about going to a meeting in the evening. I actually was grading papers at my sponsor's house and finished right before 6, but I just didn't go because I didn't feel well. I stayed for dinner (I really didn't want to eat but she made a plate for me when she fed her daughters), and I did go to a meeting at 8. Same woman has called 3 times today and texted me.. and it's really pissing me off. She's a nice person, but I really don't feel like talking to anyone sometimes and especially if people keep bothering me. I am still tired.
It was weird last night though.. I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up a couple prescriptions, and the guy said that there were 3 ready for me. He commented on the price of them.. that one was $4 and the others were around $30. Now.. I had no idea what the 3rd prescription was. I didn't even ask (that's the kinda screwed up part of this story) because it was only $4, so I just paid for all 3. It ended up being for Trazadone.. and a higher dose than I remember taking. I looked today and the last time it was filled was in July, and I don't remember seeing it when I looked at prescriptions online. But I have been trouble sleeping, and I took this to help me sleep.. so that's good? It's not an addictive prescription, and it was prescribed (at some point) by my current psychiatrist. It was just weird.
I have a tendency to hoard medications, which is probably why I paid for it without asking. It's also why I was surprised I didn't know about it because I would probably have filled it at some point if it was there because any of the medications for anxiety or sleep I will fill and just keep. I have a bunch of gabapentin that is a higher dose than I am currently prescribed. I also filled the lower dose and haven't taken that. I have bottles of antidepressants I haven't taken in a while. For a while I had a bunch of trazadone I got from a friend. I have had anti-nausea medication for over a year because my doctor gave me 30 pills and I only took 1 at the time.
Definitely have a problem.. I've had to lie to a psychiatrist in the hospital and claim someone threw out my stockpile of pills because he didn't want me going home and having them there. I didn't have anyone throw them out. I thought I just didn't want to inconvenience anyone, but probably I wanted to keep them.
Friday, October 10, 2014
And another weekend
I kept thinking about updating this week, but I didn't have a lot to say. I'm now over a week sober. I don't like it. I miss drinking a lot at times and the rest I'm indifferent. My sponsor is thrilled, and she still has me on a pretty short leash. She's been calling me everyday, and I have been calling her some. I feel like I'm staying sober because I know how much time she's invested in this.
Monday, I had school pretty much all day. She had called in the morning to find out my plans for the week. Tuesday she had someone pick me up from school for the noon meeting. I drive to school but don't like leaving because it takes so long (like 20 minutes) to find a parking space when I get back. This way I had no excuse. Wednesday I had school then graded until the meeting at 8.
Thursday was therapy, which was not pleasant. I brought up how I have been obsessing over the job I had and lost this summer. I have been obsessing, probably because I had intended to start looking again. I am sure I wrote about that job at some point. Today I actually ran into the woman from school who was my boss there. That was awkward. She said hi and asked how I was doing. I said fine and quickly walked away. I am not upset with her that I was fired. I am upset that she treated me like shit the whole time. She made me cry yelling about boxes not being put away neatly enough even though I was left alone with an entire order of things I didn't know where to put.
I am once again sleeping on my sponsor's couch tonight. She called saying she wanted to hang out again. We watched tv for a while. I am torn between thinking she actually wants to hang out or if she's babysitting me again. She knows I'm not real thrilled with sobriety. And I've been cutting again. I told her via text Wednesday. She asked how often and how many, which is more details than people normanly ask. So whatever her motives (which are probably some mix of those), I do understand that she cares.
I have not been sleeping well, so I am really hoping to get out of the morning meeting tomorrow, and I would like to sleep at home tomorrow (which I guess is today since it's after midnight). I'm exhausted and stressed. I miss vodka
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Weekend update part 2
First, the campfire thing. Yesterday my sponsor wanted to go to a campsite where some guy from AA was camping with his sons. He invited a bunch of us to hang out and eat. I did not want to go, but my sponsor didn't care. She also took her 2 daughters, and a few other people I know went.
It was kinda dark, which was messing with my mind and making everything seem surreal. This has happened before when detoxing, so I mentioned it to my sponsor. I did OK eating. I had a hotdog and half a sweet potato.
Then we sat around the campfire for an AA meeting. I did fine for a while. I had started feeling depressed earlier in the day, and staring at the fire started making it worse. I kept thinking of sticking my hand or foot in the fire or burning myself somehow. The thoughts kept getting worse, but I didn't want to get up while someone was talking. Finally, the guy finished. I moved my chair back and got up. My sponsor was watching me and said my name. I had already cried some, so I am sure I was visibly upset. I said I was going for a walk. I walked away from the campsite and behind some trees. I promptly started crying uncontrollably. One of my friends came and was talking to me. I really had no idea what to say. She was leaving to take her little brother home.
I finally went back. My sponsor asked if I was ready to go. I started sobbing. She asked what was wrong. I remember her saying "I need adjectives" because I wasn't saying anything. She hugged me, the hypnosis guy (see previous update) hugged me, even some random little kid asked what was wrong.
I was calm when we got back to her house. I had been debating if I could convince her to take me back to my place. I made a weak attempt at asking and she said no. I knew it was a bad idea because I was still self destructive, but I tried. She made me listen to some meditation on youtube which was dumb, and then we watched tv.
Today I managed to get back to my apartment to check on my cats then she took me back to her house. She was/is opposed to me having my car, but at least I got to use my own shower, and I intentionally did not bring any changes of clothes back with me. I intend to go home tonight.
We discussed plans for this week. She's decided to give me a key to her house, so I have a "safe place" to go if I need it. Apparently her daughters like having me around. I'm happy about this because I really hate being alone in my apartment sometimes.
We went grocery shopping, my sponsor bought Coke Zero for me to drink while at her house. I tried to get her to let me pay for it, and she wouldn't. I think I may make her cookies or something because I hate her spending money on me. I mean feeding me is bad enough, but it's a little better because she's feeding me the same meal she's cooking for her family. I'm the only one who drinks diet soda. I don't think my sponsor is entirely fond of me drinking diet soda. She's hypoglycemic, and I think she's convinced I am too.. or it may be that she's aware that I skip meals or will spend 8-9 hours at school without eating. Which is mostly poor planning and never buying groceries for myself.
She cooked dinner there and I ate with her and her daughters. I like the older one better because I can hold normal conversations with her. The younger is very sweet and actually looked a little sad when I said I was going home, but I am not used to children or people with that much energy. Earlier I had showed her a couple games on my tablet and I watched a movie with her. I am just awkward interacting with people in general outside of meetings or school.
I told her (the daughter) that I'd be back sometime this week. I am still questioning the issue of boundaries when it comes to being there. I mean, I guess if the kids like me, it isn't a problem? I talk to them if they talk to me. My sponsor will tell them to do things. I do not get involved in any of that. I mean.. if they were doing something dangerous, I might say something or tell my sponsor, but I am not in any way involved with the rest. I consider myself just an extra body in the house that tries to get in the way as little as possible.
I am home again. She wanted to go to an 8pm meeting, but I said I didn't want to. It honestly wasn't an objection to meetings, but while I was there I stayed up late and woke up early. I was up before her today because one of her daughters walked into the living room where I was sleeping and I couldn't fall back asleep.. which is not a big deal, but I'm tired and I have school tomorrow.
I explained that and she agreed. I mentioned when she was driving me back that I tried this weekend not to be argumentative, and she said that I did well. She told me (and I had assumed this was the case) that I was free to leave at any point during the weekend, but she had instructed the other women aware that I was staying with her not to drive me home. She lives less than 1.5 miles from me, and I had actually wondered about that while trying to fall asleep.. mainly the exact distance and the easiest way to get there. I had no intention of doing it, but I was curious.
I got home a little after 8 and said I would probably be there Tuesday, which we had discussed. I am happy to be back in my apartment. In her house, I feel a little in the way. I mean.. today I was either watching tv or on the couch with my tablet. But I am in someone else's home/space, and there are 3 other people around all the time. I need a break from people.. and it's nice to be in an apartment where nothing I do directly affects anyone else. All I've really done is watch tv and print out papers for school tomorrow.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Quick update
So things are going ok. I was delivered to my sponsor's house Friday. We went to 2 meetings. Her younger daughter (9?) really likes me. It's kinda awkward because I don't have that much energy. The other (13 or 14) talks to me some but not a lot. I'm ok with that. They both seem used to having people from aa around.
We got back and watched American Horror Story on Netflix for a couple hours. I kinda slept on her giant couch. Didn't sleep very well.
Woke up early. We went to a meeting at 10. We ate lunch, and then another meeting.
Then it got weird. I went to a guy from AA's apartment. He does hypnosis. It was pretty weird. I was supposed to be visualizing an elevator. Couldn't manage that well, but I was definitely out of it. After that we (him, me, and another girl) watched a movie. My sponsor called him to see when I was being returned. He is a nice guy. He's dating one of my AA friends.
Now we're going to some campsite to meet some other people and cook dinner. Not very thrilled with this, but I am trying not to argue. I am sleeping at her place again tonight.
I am having tremors, but no other problems. Apparently all the women now know I am detoxing. They told me to stay hydrated and if I start hallucinating, to go to the hospital. That seems pretty obvious, but I appreciate their concerns.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Decision made... now panic
I have lately been pretty good at convincing myself I am not blacking out at night.. that I remember going to be. Maybe I just fell asleep watching something on my tablet rather than not remembering watching it. I think I remember showering and taking my meds.
In all honesty, this isn't true. At least not everyday true. I woke up during the night and went to the bathroom, and I saw that my shower curtain had fallen or been pulled down. The rod it's on was a pain to get to stay up, but I'm sure it didn't just fall down. I'm not sure if I pulled on it or if I fell. I don't seem to have any noticeable bruises.
Then I go to leave this morning and there's a bag of trash by the front door that I don't remember putting there. There's food on my desk I don't remember leaving there. Lots of stuff.
And of course I am shaking really badly. I had to be at school for office hours at 1:30 and I teach at 3:30. I had the brilliant idea to drink a few shots of vodka with breakfast/lunch before going. I had 3 shots of vodka and a popsicle before school (amazed I didn't throw up) and then a yogurt when I got there. I was still shaking.
This took some time to process. At school I sat around doing nothing particularly productive. After a while, I texted my sponsor about drinking before school and that waiting another week was probably a bad idea. I couldn't call her at that point because I was at school all day. I finally called around 6 when I finished teaching.
I explained about blacking out and drinking during the day. She asked what I wanted the plan to be and we could compare ideas. I said I wanted to go to therapy and my parents tomorrow, and that i needed to go to school for an hour Friday. Otherwise, I had no idea.
She asked if I planned to drink tomorrow. I said I would probably drink before I go to my parents house. She asked if I could limit it to 5 drinks tomorrow. Then Friday one of the women from AA would spend the morning with me while my sponsor was working, and then I'd spend the day with my sponsor. She said she wanted me to sleep there, and I agreed. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow if i think I can't stop at 5 drinks (because detoxing over the weekend would be harder if i drank a lot tomorrow) and she'd come get me.
This is all really overwhelming, and I really am not sure I want to stop drinking.. but I think the fear is getting bad enough that I want to try. This seems better than a lot of alternative plans. As far as I know (and I trust her) my sponsor has only told 2 other women, and I'm fine with them. One I have hung out with after/between meetings. The other I haven't seen as much, but she drove me to the hospital the last time and sat with me for over an hour waiting for my intake appointment.
Staying at my sponsor's house and eating at my sponsor's house is definitely going to be uncomfortable. I am grateful she's offering to do this though. I never doubted she cared about me, but I have worried many times that she wouldn't want to be my sponsor since I never call or still drink. I think in some ways she is probably surprised I agreed to do it and am not trying to negotiate every detail.
Honestly, I've given up. And the options for giving up are drinking myself to death or trusting her. And drinking myself to death has proven quite hard and slow, and the lying and denial is exhausting. For this, I just have to be carted around by people from AA, fed, and given a place to sleep that is not a horrible mess filled with vodka bottles like my apartment. Thinking about it that way, it doesn't sound too bad. I remind myself I can always drink again if I want to because the idea of taking my last drink forever or my last trip to the liquor store is scary as hell. This is just a weekend. I can do a weekend.
In all honesty, this isn't true. At least not everyday true. I woke up during the night and went to the bathroom, and I saw that my shower curtain had fallen or been pulled down. The rod it's on was a pain to get to stay up, but I'm sure it didn't just fall down. I'm not sure if I pulled on it or if I fell. I don't seem to have any noticeable bruises.
Then I go to leave this morning and there's a bag of trash by the front door that I don't remember putting there. There's food on my desk I don't remember leaving there. Lots of stuff.
And of course I am shaking really badly. I had to be at school for office hours at 1:30 and I teach at 3:30. I had the brilliant idea to drink a few shots of vodka with breakfast/lunch before going. I had 3 shots of vodka and a popsicle before school (amazed I didn't throw up) and then a yogurt when I got there. I was still shaking.
This took some time to process. At school I sat around doing nothing particularly productive. After a while, I texted my sponsor about drinking before school and that waiting another week was probably a bad idea. I couldn't call her at that point because I was at school all day. I finally called around 6 when I finished teaching.
I explained about blacking out and drinking during the day. She asked what I wanted the plan to be and we could compare ideas. I said I wanted to go to therapy and my parents tomorrow, and that i needed to go to school for an hour Friday. Otherwise, I had no idea.
She asked if I planned to drink tomorrow. I said I would probably drink before I go to my parents house. She asked if I could limit it to 5 drinks tomorrow. Then Friday one of the women from AA would spend the morning with me while my sponsor was working, and then I'd spend the day with my sponsor. She said she wanted me to sleep there, and I agreed. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow if i think I can't stop at 5 drinks (because detoxing over the weekend would be harder if i drank a lot tomorrow) and she'd come get me.
This is all really overwhelming, and I really am not sure I want to stop drinking.. but I think the fear is getting bad enough that I want to try. This seems better than a lot of alternative plans. As far as I know (and I trust her) my sponsor has only told 2 other women, and I'm fine with them. One I have hung out with after/between meetings. The other I haven't seen as much, but she drove me to the hospital the last time and sat with me for over an hour waiting for my intake appointment.
Staying at my sponsor's house and eating at my sponsor's house is definitely going to be uncomfortable. I am grateful she's offering to do this though. I never doubted she cared about me, but I have worried many times that she wouldn't want to be my sponsor since I never call or still drink. I think in some ways she is probably surprised I agreed to do it and am not trying to negotiate every detail.
Honestly, I've given up. And the options for giving up are drinking myself to death or trusting her. And drinking myself to death has proven quite hard and slow, and the lying and denial is exhausting. For this, I just have to be carted around by people from AA, fed, and given a place to sleep that is not a horrible mess filled with vodka bottles like my apartment. Thinking about it that way, it doesn't sound too bad. I remind myself I can always drink again if I want to because the idea of taking my last drink forever or my last trip to the liquor store is scary as hell. This is just a weekend. I can do a weekend.
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