The lesser of two evils?

I will preface this by saying that I do know there is no real answer to this question, so I am not really expecting one. I'm just rambling.  Also some of this may be triggering, so I'll include that warning.

So here is the question that keeps coming to mind.. not just this week but off and on for months. Is it better to drink or self harm? Is it better to drink and not think about suicide? Is it better to drink and shut off the depression so I don't think bad things?

There really isn't an answer. Drinking is also hurting me and could kill me.. and the dilemma there is that I don't always mind the idea of it killing me (provided it is not in a way that hurts anyone else). I'm more scared by the concept of living.. sober or not.

I really am not that suicidal. I don't have a plan or a timeline. I'm at the passive stage where I think it wouldn't be so bad if I died in my sleep or from some illness or some accident. I'm ok with that. I had a brief thought about how much I have of a certain medication. I was thinking about one of my antidepressants (that i really think is not working) and just had that thought briefly enter my mind. They're fairly large pink pills so it was more a mental image.

I do realize this is bad. That's why drinking was so appealing. I've been a mess. Things have gradually been getting worse. I have been cutting.. not deeply or badly, but I am aware any self harm is bad. I haven't burned myself in a while.

I actually gave my lighter to my sponsor yesterday. I hadn't planned on it. I think God was giving me a hint. My sponsor called in the afternoon asking me for a favor. Her car had been in the shop and she had borrowed one from someone. She wanted to return the borrowed car last night, so she had me follow her in her car (my car is having problems) while she drove that one back.  When we took her van to get the borrowed car, she kept searching her purse for a lighter so she could smoke. I didn't say anything. We dropped off the borrowed car and my sponsor got back in hers to drive us back. She started searching her purse again. I finally gave in and said I had one. She said "You'd better not" but I got it out and handed to her. She said (jokingly) how I was a bad person, and then (still jokingly) corrected that to I'm a good person who does bad things. That I'll agree with.

This goes into some ED stuff
I first got to her house a bit before 8 after I finished teaching. She asked if I was hungry, and I said no. She asked on the way back if I was hungry yet. I said no. Unfortunately (in my head) she then asked what I had eaten, and the answer was nothing. I had coke zero and water, and it was now almost 9pm. She was not real happy about that. She started asking what I wanted to eat, and I finally said I'd have a sandwich. I had a sandwich and fruit (which she set down and said I'd also have fruit).

I realize this is not much food for a whole day. It's less than I would normally have, but I really didn't want it. I legitimately have had no desire to eat lately. I ate it and driving home I really wanted to purge, but I talked myself out of it. I did however come home and pulled up some diet site I signed up for in September and never really used. I put in all the food to get the total calories. It was less than I had in my mind, but I was never good at counting calories so I always overestimated. Then.. I decided to weigh myself.

I have no idea if the weight is right because my scale is ancient, cheap, and has been buried under random stuff in my kitchen for months. I got on and weighed, and I was down almost 8 pounds since September. I am very overweight, but I don't want to give a number. I knew I had lost weight because suddenly I needed a belt with every pair of jeans I own. This morning it was 2 pounds less since this was before meals and not at night.

The weight loss hasn't been intentional.. I just am not drinking 1000+ calories of vodka everyday. Only very recently has eating become difficult and I started skipping meals. I do wonder if the weight loss triggered more eating disorder thoughts. A few days ago I was reading some unhealthy boards on pinterest.. not like "thinspiration" pictures but quotes about hating your body or not wanting to eat etc..

This morning I had to be at school by 9. I debated stopping for breakfast. Part of me said no, and part said yes if it was all I ate. I got breakfast on the way to school and ate it in my car. Then 90% of my brain began saying I should purge it, so I did.

The mix of ED thoughts and depressed/self destructive thoughts was too much today. I just felt miserable and it kept getting worse. I was planning to stay at school and work this afternoon. I did get a lot during the time I had to be there, but I just knew I was going to start crying. I walked to my car wanting to drink. I texted my sponsor to see if she was busy. I called her about 15 minutes later. It went straight to voicemail. I found out a few hours later her phone was dead.

Anyway, I was a good alcoholic and called someone else. I stared at my contacts and I have very few numbers. My friend I would want to call was probably at work. I called the one who kept bugging me last week because I knew she'd answer (I don't think she has a job). I was crying (quietly I guess) the whole time. I said I wanted to go to the liquor store. She invited me to her place. I explained that I am truly sick of people. We finally settled on I should go home and take a nap. I was willing to do that.

I was in bed for 1 1/2 hours and then got up. I still wanted to drink, so I went to the liquor store and grocery store because I had very little food at home (the other reason I haven't wanted to eat).

I got home and of course then the woman calls me again. It was awkward.. I considered lying, but I gave in and told her I bought the vodka. Unfortunately I had not started drinking.. so she went through all kinds of options on how to put off drinking until tomorrow. I said I'd consider them. I said I didn't want to make promises, and I really did think about it. I mentioned the dilemma about the 2 evils. I shouldn't have because I know it's upsetting. Anyway... I eventually agreed to meet her for the noon meeting tomorrow. That I could agree to. I did drink, but not immediately.

I have mixed feeling about being sober. I understand and believe it has done good things for other people. Other sober people seem happy. I have not been happy lately. I am tired and depressed and being around people is uncomfortable and depressing too. I guess maybe that changes? Or maybe I get sober and get my meds changed and things get better? Or am I just miserable sober like I was depressed long before I started drinking. I don't know. I don't know.