Being manipulated

First just a bit of whining. In August I took my car to a transmission repair place because it stopped letting me shift into 5th gear or reverse. They replaced some cable. Recently, it got to where it is extremely difficult to get into those years. I tried over and over yesterday to shift into reverse to get out of a parking space. It wouldn't work.. of course I call to get it towed to the repair shop and that guy gets it in reverse. He was saying how I needed to be shifting differently.. Then thankfully as he was showing me this (well.. sort of thankful), he had trouble too several times. He said something about maybe needing a new transmission, and I hope he was joking.

I rented a car today to get around. After the guy picked up my car around 1, I went to the craft store and a couple more places. I didn't want to go home. I found myself this morning looking up overdoses on various medications and reading websites and articles. So I decided with being upset over the car, I shouldn't be home alone. I also wanted to drink.

I called my sponsor and she said to go to my house and how she leftovers in the fridge I could have for lunch (I hadn't eaten yet). She said several times in the conversation how I could drink later.

I went to her house.. I looked at the food in the fridge and didn't want it. I watched tv. A few other times I looked at food in the fridge and in the pantry. I didn't want anything. I had a can of coke zero.

I considered going to the 6pm meeting.. honestly because I could leave the house before my sponsor got home and maybe buy vodka afterward. The thought of a meeting made me want to cry.. actually at this point I just wanted to cry.

My sponsor got home.. she asked if I ate and I said no. She offered me various food, and I finally told her the thought of eating made me want to cry, and she said she could see that. This continued for a while.

Her daughter had a choir concert at 7:30 she decided I was going to. I said I wanted to go home, and she said no. Yes, realistically I know I could have just left. I could have just driven home.. I didn't. She has this matter of fact way of saying this stuff.. like it's just true whether I like it or not. I pick up my purse to leave and she announces we're taking one car.

I am not used to be the one being manipulated. I'm used to lying and manipulating. I also have trouble lying to her. I have settled on the belief that if I'm not lying about alcohol, it's ok.. since technically she is my AA sponsor. Otherwise, it's a matter of lying by omission because she doesn't always know what questions to ask to find things out. It's made me sneaky.

I went to the concert.. I spent a lot of it trying to figure out how to get to school for the required stuff, to the liquor store, and return the rental car at 5.. complicated. I settled on either going to the liquor store before school at noon or between 1 and 3. Then I realized I have to hide the vodka because I am returning the car. I had intended to have a friend take me home, and then I realized I would be stuck at home with no car.. and even I can see that isn't a safe idea. So i think I'm going to my sponsors and possibly neglecting to mention the vodka if I buy it.

I mentioned in the text about tomorrow.. and probably at other times how being at home was a bad or unsafe idea. I have not actually mentioned being suicidal. I'm not sure how she'd react. I mean.. the depression is pretty obvious, and she knows about the cutting. I may tell her tomorrow or I won't. I do NOT want to end up in the hospital, and it really isn't that bad right now.