Is this the addict in me or am I spending too much time around children?

So my car is still in the shop, so when I returned the rental car my friend dropped me off at my sponsor's house. They (her and the girls) were getting ready for some fall festival/carnival at school. She stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and we talked some.

The conversation was about me not eating... which was the main battle yesterday. She said that her sponsor said that I had to eat. Eating is now non-negotiable.

2 things crossed my mind. Both of which are very immature and unhealthy. Mainly immature
1. Well, I have plenty of experience lying about what I've eaten
2. She says it's non-negotiable, but what exactly is the consequence?

I mean.. she can't (I guess this is technically an assumption) force feed me. If me drinking on many occasions has not dissuaded her from remaining my sponsor, is not eating at her house going to do that?

She asked about my motive because she has a theory. I said that i was having suicidal thoughts and starving myself takes the edge off because it's self destructive. She said it's because it alters my mood/feelings. I thought that was included in my explanation. I did acknowledge that I switch addictions, but I thought that was understood because I started cutting.

I wonder (and this is disordered) that maybe because I am so overweight, she never anticipated refusal to eat as a possible problem. She knew I was bulimic, and so I expected she might ask about purging (which I've done once every couple weeks). She's asked about self harm. I don't think anyone expects a fat bulimic not to eat. It is however a pattern of mine, but it predates me going to AA

The point of this story/argument (I will continue more with my history) is that I feel like I have been more stubborn and argumentative lately. I do not know if this is because I have had periods of sobriety and the addict in me is searching for other problems. Or maybe I have been around a 9 year old and a 12(or 13) year old has kinda rubbed off. They argue over food, showers, bed, computer, and all sorts of things. And maybe that's why I argue now. I see that I can.  (at this point I start rambling about the past if you wish to stop reading)

I was never that way at that age. I was quiet and secretive, and I didn't have a cell phone until I was 17, and even then it was shared with my mom. I only had my own in college. But maybe listening to them argue has made it simpler to argue with her. And maybe winning these battles over food or whatever is bringing the same joy it would at that age. I hid so much from my parents. I was so afraid of being "bad" like my brother was (skipping classes, not doing homework, etc) that I was a "perfect" child. I mean.. I called to go home from a sleepover because my friend's older sister was drinking or I refused to watch an R rated movie while at a friend's house. Maybe now I get to be that rebel child.. except I'm 28. I do realize that I have childish responses when challenged. I just don't know if that's me or if I'm becoming one of her daughters.

She texted me that her older daughter told her she likes having me around. The younger one is obvious.. she hugs me, she talks to me, and I admittedly have no idea how to deal with it.. but she gets upset when I go home sometimes even though clearly I always come back. The other I had wondered about. I am there sometimes when she gets home from school. I am either working on grading or watching tv. Yesterday she commented that she didn't even notice I was there until she walked into the room.. I had assumed she heard the screaming on the show I was watching. I kept pausing it while she was nearby because it's not really child appropriate.. but I guess she likes me too. This is all very weird. I am not used to people caring about me this way.. especially not children. It threatens my idea that I am a bad and unlovable person. That kinda pisses me off.

My 2nd semester in grad school (don't know if I've talked about this) I had my teaching position taken away. This was essentially because I had been in the psych ward my 1st semester and missed a week of school.. This alone should not have been a reason, but I had struggled with ED and self harm and I'm sure the department head knew about that.

Well, I had continued eating at least some because my boss got really upset if I didn't. She was convinced I would pass out while teaching. I knew this was unlikely based on my past, but she had a reason to be concerned. When I wasn't teaching, I had no reason to have to eat. I would stop eating for 2 days or at most 72 hours. Then I would eat. I would go a day or 2 on only broth or maybe juice, and my mentor thought that having broth was a huge accomplishment. It was I guess, but I also managed to put on enough show to convince her that virtually no calories was far greater than no calories or purging 5-6 times a day.


So people who didn't know me then or during the first couple years of my eating disorder do not understand how simple it is not to eat. My sponsor has hypoglycemia or close to that, so she can't skip meals. My body is fucked up enough to be used to prolonged periods without food. But again.. if you aren't thin, nobody expects you to starve yourself.  She asked how the 6pm meeting was, which one of the reasons I was there and not home was that I could walk to this meeting. I forgot. I was reading diet tips and shit online and forgot.

It does worry me how slippery this slope is.. alcohol turns so quickly to self harm and to ED. I do see the reality of this. I just am still at a point where I don't care. Death is still ok, and I did finally mention the suicidal thoughts, which are a coping mechanism as well. Sometimes the idea of passive suicidality is lost on people.. maybe she'll get it. Maybe I hide it too well.

And I guess if you read all of this (and I do thank you for putting up with me), I will admit something. I went to the liquor store around 11am today.. before I went shopping with a friend, before I returned my rental car, and before I saw my sponsor. It was in backpack that sat in her house while I was there. I will probably admit this at some point. I feel less guilty because she does always add "you can drink later" or "you can drink tomorrow" in our conversations.. and I was mostly there to not self destruct or kill myself, and I accomplished that. Though in general I am a bad person.