Lying and hiding

So I am not doing well. I have started entries a couple times and given up. I don't know what to say. I am really not a fan of myself these days. I feel worthless.

I drank Friday and Saturday. I spent an evening at my sponsor's house with vodka hidden in my backpack. Technically, she never asked if I had gone to the liquor store, so I didn't lie. Sunday I didn't drink because of course the liquor stores were closed.

Monday I felt terribly. My brain just kept thinking about giving up and wanting to give up, and I wasn't even sure what I wanted to give up on. I wanted to give up on sobriety and meetings and pretty much anything that doesn't involve hiding out in my apartment. I did text my sponsor this and she asked me to call her.

I tried explaining what was going on in my head. I acknowledged I knew that staying home was a terrible idea. She said I could take a break from the current meetings I go to and find other ones, but clearly giving up on meetings is a bad idea. I knew this.. I have said before that I think going to meetings keeps me alive. If I stopped going, I don't think I'd make it back. She asked about my schedule and said she would cook something good for dinner and save me a plate.

I finished teaching pretty early, and I decided I wanted to go to the liquor store. I texted her this rather than calling. I went to the liquor store and then went by her house. Nobody was there. Rather than going inside and waiting, I drove around. She texted me back basically about my plan to go to the store and then her house was b.s. I am not sure exactly what she meant, but I decided to go home. She sent me that text an hour after I had texted her.

I went home and ate dinner and then drank. Yesterday I went to the noon meeting. I saw her there but she had to leave for work. She said she was glad I was there. I went to my friend's house after school and the liquor store on the way back. I never called her. I didn't call her today either.

So mostly just hiding, but I'm probably lying to myself. I think things are worse than I tell people. I kept trying to think of a way to explain (to my sponsor if I decided to say it) that I'm not suicidal but I have been having suicidal thoughts. That statement didn't seem quite right. I think it's why I've avoided that subject. I've done stuff like look online for information about overdosing on various medications. I know that's not normal, but I guess it's semi-normal for me. I think I'm giving up on life. I don't intend to kill myself, but things feel hopeless.

I went to a meeting tonight, and I realize I do need to call my sponsor. I keep thinking that maybe I could hang out at her house Friday, but I can't bring myself to ask. I feel like a waste of her time and of space and food and everything pretty much. If she invited me, I'd say yes, but I feel bad even taking up her time by calling. I can't seem to call anyone else either. I feel like I am never going to get well, so I am just hurting other people by letting them try to help me. They care about me so much more than I care about myself.