The women's meeting I went to today has the topic of powerlessness. I've accepted I'm powerless over alcohol. Also powerless over the self harm and the eating disorder. I was drawn to something I had heard talked about before... I think this was a topic in an eating disorder group or maybe treatment because I don't think this was an AA thing
We used to talk about how there is a difference between being powerless and being helpless. I think this came up when talking about eating disorders because the idea is that we are powerless over having an eating disorder and over our thoughts, but that we have some power/choice when it comes to behaviors. I am powerless over having bulimia, but I could choose to go back the grocery store for binge food or I could not. Or with AA, I can call someone if I feel like drinking, or I could keep it to myself. This is not a clear boundary, so it was not a topic I really liked. But the idea is that helpless means you absolutely can't do anything about it. Powerless means you can't change who I am, but I can make choices about behaviors.
What I really thought about (and this has been on my mind for a couple days) is that I may be powerless over my addictions, but I certainly have the power to make things worse. I have the power to sabotage myself, and I am great at this.
I did not mention in the meeting what these behaviors are because really they're not related to drinking and so not really AA related. I did text my sponsor that maybe I should make a list because I haven't been honest with myself or anyone else.. so.. this is at least a partial list
**Trigger warning**
1st topic, sobriety and life in general
1. I have avoided for a month or two talking to my professor at school about the paper I'm writing. I had for a while avoided even attempting to work on it (that I made progress on)
2. I still spend time with unhealthy friends. I have one I see weekly who is supposedly in recovery from anorexia, but it is so obvious she is not at a healthy weight.. and she has unhealthy behaviors.
I also have L who still feels it's ok to smoke pot in front of me and still brings up her boyfriend who killed himself pretty frequently. Neither are as unhealthy as some I've had in the past, but I should probably be spending time with other people more
3. Not calling anyone in AA. This week.. I called my sponsor Monday and then not again until yesterday. I texted her maybe twice between then. I am supposed to talk to 3 alcoholics a day, and most days I only at best call my sponsor. I do at least talk to people before/after meetings.
4. Avoid meetings. Some is that the group has gotten very gossipy and dramatic (story for another day). I have the option to go to meetings elsewhere. I make a lot of excuses not to go.
5. This is not really intentional, but my apartment is filled with empty vodka bottles. Cleaning is really overwhelming, but I probably could clean up these. I also still have a shot glass.
6. Take poor care of myself. I have been taking my meds most of the time, but I haven't taken any vitamins. I have taken some meds randomly (all I have been prescribed at some point). I also refuse to do things so simple as use lotion even though my skin is flaky now. I stay up later than I should and don't always get enough sleep.
7. It got pretty cold (for Texas) yesterday.. in the 40s. I pretty much always refuse to turn on the heat in my apartment until it drops (inside) below 60F. I also will leave my bedroom window open some so it gets cold. I will not wear warm clothing inside or outside. The issue is that cold weather even mildly cold makes my depression worse. I can tell this happened yesterday and this morning.
**ED Trigger Warning**
2nd topic, eating
1. I have chosen not to eat despite desire and opportunity. I have argued and made excuses and been stubborn when offered food. I always do end up eating, but I take some sick joy in arguing with my sponsor or with others about whether I really need to eat.
2. I joined a diet site and have been reading all sorts of articles. I have started finding all sorts of weight loss stuff on pinterest.. some of which are the type of thing that encourages me to hate my body more and feel guilty about whatever I do. There's also a couple eating disorder forums I read that are unhealthy.
3. I bought a new scale. My old one was buried under things in my kitchen and I had maybe used it twice in the past year. The new one sits at the entrance to my kitchen so I must step over it to go into the kitchen. It is in plain view from my desk. This was a terrible idea. I need to lose weight but I do not need to weigh myself 2-4 times everyday.
4. I avoid buying groceries until I am down to nothing in the apartment I am willing to eat.. I mean there may be food, but pretty much all that's left is tuna and canned soup.
5. I avoid going to eat with anyone from AA or eating with my sponsor.
6. I drink too much caffeine and not enough water.
7. I watch ED related movies and documentaries on youtube if I can't sleep.
8. I have not been honest with my therapist about anything except I don't feel like eating. I don't talk about anything else I am doing related to eating or occasionally purging.
I should add, none of the blogs I read are harmful to me, so it has nothing to do with anyone reading this. It's different sites.
** Self harm trigger**
2nd topic, self harm
1. I may not have the power to throw away every razor, knife, first aid supplies that I have, but I had the choice to stop buying more. In particular, I every couple weeks buy lighters (occasionally with the excuse of using them for candles) and then feel guilty and give them away. I keep one in my purse sometimes as a just in case
2. This wasn't obvious at first, I can certainly wear long sleeves and long pants around my apartment (I wear long pants in public anyway) because the more skin I can see, the more I can trigger myself and the easier it is to self harm.
3. The big one, I could actually be honest with someone when I am feeling unsafe (self harm/suicide whatever). My sponsor has offered to let me stay on her couch if I need to, and there are times I really should have asked. I also could have told my psychiatrist about this.
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