Brief update

I wanted to leave a brief update because I realize how bleak and depressing the last few posts were. I think I've been wallowing in self pity lately. My life honestly isn't that bad.. I mean I have a job and a place to live and friends. I'm just exhausted. Plus, I've been blacking out every night, and that really bothers me. I wish I could get really drunk and still at least remember going to bed. I have had to decide in the morning if I took a shower or took my meds the previous night.

I had therapy today.. it wasn't very productive because I didn't know what to talk about it. She lectured me some about eating and about self harm. She keeps saying how she's amazed I can teach without eating or function without eating, which is not very helpful. She says it's making my depression worse. The self harm she asked how I could do something to myself that I wouldn't do to anyone else.. and that makes no sense really. Hurting other people would upset me and be pointless. As illogical as it may be, hurting myself helps me in some way. I get that I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but her argument misses the point.

She says I need to think about what I'm willing to do.. she mentioned staying with my sponsor, but I also think she may be hinting at me going back into the hospital or rehab. That thought has been on my mind, but it seems pointless since I relapsed every time I went somewhere. I've done psych wards, rehab, outpatient programs, and support groups. I mean.. the rehab I went to was shitty, but I am not sure I can come up with money to go somewhere else. And I don't have time to go somewhere more than a few weeks. Still.. I'm not completely opposed to it. I need a break from myself.

For now, I'm functioning. I admitted to my sponsor about buying the scale which was pretty much intended to make things worse. I haven't admitted the self harm or actually admitted the drinking. I am pretty sure she's figured out I've been drinking because I haven't been calling. I'm still going to meetings. I ended up at 3 Tuesday. I went at noon to get away from school. I went to hang out at her house after school and went with her at 6. Then another girl and I had planned to go at 8 to a new group. We're trying to find somewhere a little healthier than my current home group.. which has gotten kinda gossipy and dramatic lately.

So I am surviving. The suicidal thoughts haven't been as bad. I just feel hopeless.