AA, dinner, and drama

That pretty much sums up my evening.

My day was boring, I was at school 11am-7pm. I drank a hard cider in the school parking lot this time. Also ate and purged between office hours and the next open lab. I wasn't planning to purge. I was just suddenly very full and decided I didn't like that.

After school, I went to my sponsor's house for a little while. I had planned to kill time before the 8pm meeting there. I almost skipped the meeting but ended up going. Not sure I'm entirely happy with that decision now. I did text my sponsor this morning that I only had 3 drinks yesterday. She said that was progress. I said I took my blood pressure and it was high but ok.. that might be a lie? It was 140/105 I think the first time, which is very high but not a crisis according to the first website I looked at. A few hours later it was 130 something over 100, so it did go down a bit. I mean.. I took it right after one open lab the first time and right before the next the 2nd time, so school may be a factor. I did minimize my caffeine intake though not my salt intake.. I like salt.

Anyway, I went to the meeting at 8. I think I need to start giving people some sort of name because describing things is complicated. Well, it was chaired by the guy who was over at my sponsor's for dinner last week who is dating another girl from AA with my sponsor. I'll work out names another time.

Oh and randomly, while he was starting the meeting, I jokingly threw a peppermint and hit my friend in the head. I really was not aiming for her head. Anyway, she looked up and mouthed "Was that you?" and at the girl next to me "Was that Beth?" and we all just lost it laughing hysterically. This was far from the first time candy has been thrown in meetings. Just the first time I was involved. 8pm meetings are not the most mature

Well, he picked a weird topic. He said to talk about things going in our lives that we might consider drinking over. Which I guess translates to stressors. I am of course town because the reason I was going to drink tonight is because I was going to drink tonight. I didn't buy vodka, so it was going to continue on my plan of cutting back. However, 1. several people there have not actually heard me admit I'm not sober and haven't been much lately. 2. They would not view cutting back as progress and I was not going to bring up medical safety in the meeting either because that involves also bringing up how much I've been drinking.. I simultaneously feel embarrassed admitting it because I'm drinking so much and because I think by their standards I might be drinking very little.

I ended up saying (between a variety of random swear words) that I haven't been sober a lot lately. That not coming to meetings would probably kill me faster. And that dishonesty was probably part of the problem because I never talk about any of this in meetings. Then I gave up trying to say anything.

Well, after the meeting I went to eat with my friend, her boyfriend, and 2 other people. Well, one of the others was talking about during the meeting how the last two times she's been at a certain restaurant she ran into her mom, who is also an addict. So we didn't go there. Well, apparently her dad (also an addict) was at the restaurant we went to.. and I guess sleeping behind a dumpster nearby. She talked to him in the restaurant and then came and sat with us, and he left. She was obviously upset, and really nobody knew what to say. The other man that came with us (who has been sober a long time) basically said that could be any of us. While she was gone, we had all just agreed that she needs to leave her parents alone if she wants them to get better.. but obviously that's not easy if she is constantly accidentally running into them. We finally changed the subject, but I feel bad.

I mean it's different (if I believe her stories) than my friend that was there that spends a lot of time at her mom's house when her mom is still actively using drugs. That's her choice, although it is also clearly complicated. I am just trying to stay out of anyone else's drama. Weird evening though