I drank a bottle (750ml) of vodka last night.. I didn't plan to finish it. I do actually remember finishing it.. I did spill some pouring the last shot. I don't remember all of last night, but I do remember the last shot.
I don't know if I want to be sober. I don't know if I want to get better. I do wish I could remember what I do at night. I wish I didn't shake.. today it wasn't just my hands, I get weird muscle spasms/twitches. Like my whole foot or leg would move.
It's Sunday so liquor stores are closed, and I didn't have any more at home. I went to a movie with my parents, and I felt weird when we left. It's happened before.. it feels like I'm dreaming. I can't focus well and things don't feel real.
I really probably shouldn't have driven home. It's more than 30 miles. It was complicated (well I guess this might not normally be complicated) because an exit I take was closed so I had to go a different way. I was having trouble focusing on more than the car ahead of me.
So I made it home safe, and I really would have stopped if I didn't think I could do it. I texted my sponsor when I got home about it because I felt someone should be aware in case I have any detox problems since I was drinking so much this past week.
I sat around watching tv. I kept eating random stuff.. which became a mini-binge (a bowl of cereal, bread with tomato sauce, a couple cookies) and purge. It was stupid.
Now I'm debating going to bed.. I took my normal meds plus a trazadone and melatonin. I'm tired but I'm also kinda stuck in depression, so i keep watching tv and staring at the computer.
I found myself thinking earlier that maybe I'm not ready to get sober. I don't know if I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. School is stressful and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I am down to maybe 4 friends outside of AA. I hide the drinking in AA. I hide the eating disorder and the cutting from everyone. I hate myself. I hate that my apartment is a mess. I hate that I have no life. I think I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't think anything would help. Maybe if I went away somewhere to a proper rehab. But it's not going to happen. So I feel like I'm stuck this way.
Have you thought about writing here, or in a journal, while you are drinking? It might turn a blackout into a greyout (i.e., you don't remember until something/someone recalls the events for you, and that triggers a memory.)
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I have written while drunk before.. woken up to partial entries I don't remember. The problem is things no worth putting here.. like watching tv or falling down or making ice. Things that freak me out just because there's evidence I don't remember. It's odd, but my therapist has complimented things I wrote while drunk. Apparently, I'm a good writer when I drink? It was an odd thing for her to say. I guess I don't have as much of a filter when I drink. I think maybe I should keep something at my desk or nightstand to make notes on. Don't know if I'd remember to do it. But yes, little things do help trigger memories. I might remember the last shot just because I write down (on my hand or leg which is odd) how much I've had. It is weird remembering parts of things.
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