Awkward

I am awkward in social situations. This can either be because I am not doing what is normally socially expected.. not eating, not talking, not drinking, not playing a game. I am failing to do what others do. Or I am doing all those things, but I and maybe others are aware that I am faking it. I am forcing myself to do what's expected and seem happy and social. Most of the time if I am around more than a couple people, I am having to force myself to be there. I am usually ok with up to 3 friends or acquaintances. Beyond that, I am uncomfortable, and I am having to really try to be there. Same if it's people I don't know well.

I have a friend whose birthday is toward the end of November. The past couple years she has planned a party/gathering around Thanksgiving because we have several friends who live in other states, but they tend to be home around the holidays. This year, she planned a party for yesterday the Saturday after thanksgiving. She invited me, a couple friends who went to high school with us, and some girls that were her neighbors.

So I am not a fan of parties or social situations with many people. I almost never go to parties thrown by friends at school. I will sometimes go at the holidays if there is someone coming who I never see because they live somewhere else. I have also gone to a couple parties for childrens' birthdays because a 1st birthday party is a once in a lifetime thing.

Well, I went to the party yesterday. It was pretty fun. We watched a couple really bad movies and played a board game (cards against humanity). What was awkward in this case was pretty obvious. I have gone to several of her gatherings since I became aware that drinking was a problem. I had for years prior established that I did not drink. Not for any particular reason, but I didn't like drinking at parties and I did take medication that interacts with alcohol. Well, at some point I did acknowledge alcohol was a problem. I began asking if alcohol would be served or would be encouraged. What is awkward is that at several occasions, I brough alcohol or drank alcohol. I don't remember when exactly I said I had a problem with alcohol, but I know over the past few years I have mentioned it.

Well, Saturday I went to her house. I had not decided prior what I would do. I decided to drink to alleviate the shakes but not talk about it, so I had the equivalent to 3 beers (1 hard cider and 2 peach flavored something or another). I did this without commenting on the fact that I had previously told my friend I had a problem with alcohol and didn't drink. It helped me relax, and mainly it helped me not visibly shake. I do wonder if my friends wondered about it. Do they wonder about me drinking despite things I've said? Do they just think I've been confused? Hard to tell


I have more, but I think I'll save it to tomorrow. I am struggling. I am not functioning well. I am not happy. It's hard to be a functional human being, but I will update more later.