Trust

This is probably going to be a rant. Posts tend to get away from me and end up incredibly long these days.

I had therapy yesterday. I really wanted to cancel it. I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I remember I was in an outpatient addiction program and the therapist said something about people being in therapy for years, and how it meant it wasn't working. I don't remember exactly. He was an asshole, but he has a point. I have made some progress. I'm a different person than I was 5 or more years ago. I am less selfish, and I'm not in as much denial .

Anyway, we ended up talking about trust. I mentioned the thing in the meeting where the woman was basically pointing to me when someone said something that admittedly is something my sponsor has said before.

The issue is that I feel like people in AA talk about me when I'm not there. This is a huge problem with me. I HATE the idea of people talking about me. It could even be good things, but I need to know what was said and who was talking about it. I am not really sure why. So the idea of people talking about me in AA really upsets me. It makes me not want to share or not want to go.

I know my sponsor has talked to her sponsor about me, and I am kind of ok with that because I get that she's supposed to tell her sponsor things. But, I also think she talks to other women she sponsors, and that's what bothers me. The woman who was pointing me out in the meeting really annoys me. I don't entirely know why, but I don't like how she talks to me. Then I worry about who those people talk to. AA people gossip.

The weekend I was going to detox at my sponsor's house I was aware that she told 2 other people she sponsors because they were going to help supervise me when my sponsor was busy. I go to the women's meeting, and my grandsponsor told another woman about it. That woman told another woman who is a doctor, so she could be aware of medical stuff. But anyway, it ended up with a lot of people knowing what I didn't want them to know. I was embarrassed by the whole situations.

Back to my sponsor, I don't know if I mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back and look. My sponsor's younger daughter (10 years old) pulled up my sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Well, when I was there Tuesday, I asked if the daughter had said anything. She said that her older daughter asked about it, and my sponsor just said they were scars and the daughter was ok with that. My sponsor asked the older daughter if she should say something to the younger one, so she told the younger one the same thing.

I am ok with what she told them. It was probably simpler than me making up a lie. My issue is that if I hadn't asked about it, my sponsor might not have told me she talked to her daughters. And that bothers me. I want to know what people know.

In the past, I was a liar. I lied a lot. Knowing what people know helps me know how to interact with them. If they don't know, I can lie. If they know and I lie, they'll know I lied. I tell people I'm fine, and I do see that people don't believe me.

I don't know why I have such trust issues. My therapist says it can affect a person if they were not validated as a child. My parents never dealt with their own problems. They had anxiety and depression, but I was the only one who ended up in therapy. We would go for long periods of time when we just didn't discuss my mental health. My mom has said mean things to me and then denied she ever said it. Everyone thought my family was great, but they didn't see how dysfunctional they were.

So I learned to lie and avoid awkward conversations. I learned my friends had no interest in my problems (I do see now that teenagers are not equipped to handle that sort of information). I was constantly afraid my therapist would tell my parents things since I was a minor. I did not come from a family that deals with emotions. I did not come from a family that talked about things. I couldn't trust my parents to be supportive when I said things. Somehow all this led to this insane fair of people talking about me.

Anyway, I'm supposed to discuss the trust issue with my sponsor. I can't decide if I will because I am aware that I'm overreacting. I am aware that I am completely obsessed with people talking about me. I also keep clinging to the text my sponsor sent about people watching me die. I have OCD tendencies, and one of my problems is I will pick something that was said and obsess over it. I focus on it for days without talking about it. I obsess over thoughts. My mind is screwed up, and I think people are totally unaware. I would after days or weeks mention to a person something they said, and they've moved on. They forget about it. Then they are surprised that I am so bothered by it. It's like a delayed reaction. I don't do it as much now, but I still occasionally obsess over something. I am insane.