Random moments of sanity

I originally intended to name this random moments of insanity, but I feel like the moments of sanity are fewer and less frequent these days. I mean.. sanity and insanity are not easily defined anyway. I know the definition that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, and I am good at that. Every time I drink, I at least expect not to black out or get hurt. I occasionally think I'll enjoy it or at least enjoy not feeling. I do get to enjoy the latter, but there's always some consequence like the random bruises I kept waking up with.

Anyway, I drank last night after 5 days sober. I was just depressed. It didn't help that i was stuck at school in a very cold office, and all I had eaten was a granola bar at 3pm. But yes.. depressed and hopeless. I debated calling my sponsor or texting her, but I didn't. I texted her Sunday to call me and she never did, and I'll admit I was upset by that. Anyway, I left school and went to the liquor store.

Fast forward to today because last night was nothing unusual. I managed to wake up at 11:10 and make it to the noon meeting (showered and even ate before). It was interesting because the topic was "keep coming back," which seems appropriate. I have managed to keep going to meetings even if I knew I was going to drink. Afterwards, I texted my sponsor to ask if I could grade papers at her house. It's funny. I use the predictive text on my phone (you type a word and it gives you 3-4 words that it thinks will be next as options). Anyway, if I type "Can" it can predict that the next words will be "grade at your house later" because I'd pick a word and it's suggest the next. I guess I ask this a lot. I have a key, but I always ask.

Anyway, it seemed better than spending hours at school grading.. it turned out to be a good choice because I got to school and the office I use (it's shared by a bunch of people) smelled awful. I think it was something in the trash, but I didn't really want to investigate. I suppose going to her house was one of those random moments of sanity.

Well, the insanity bit.. a guy from AA came over later too. She started cooking dinner for everyone. Chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans.. nothing terrible. I asked if I had to eat. She said yes. When I was clearly upset by it, she asked if I'd sit at the table with them and possibly eat. I said yes. I sat down and knew I was going to cry. I'm still not sure if it was the food or sitting with people or both, but I got up and went in the kitchen and told her I couldn't. I curled up in an armchair in another room and did start crying. She commented that she didn't know I was that upset about eating. I tried to say it wasn't that, but I couldn't manage words. I sat there while they ate.

I felt bad because her daughter (the older one the other was in trouble and eating in her room) was at the table when I got up and walked into the kitchen. At some point, I heard her ask if I left (the chair I was in faces away from the kitchen) and I said I was there. My sponsor said I was in a self imposed time out. The look on the daughter's face when I got up was surprise.. before I've always eaten without a fuss (well the fuss took place in another room usually). I figured leaving was probably better than crying at the table.

I did later tell my sponsor the depression had been bad lately. I said I was less suicidal (which was my passive way of saying that i had been suicidal). She asked if I drank last night. I said yes. She asked if I had any left, and I said yes.

The rest of the evening went ok. Well, other than grading lab reports that made me stab myself with the red pen. I'd stop and lay back and stare at the ceiling, then I'd sit up and start again. This happened several times. Occasionally, I'd read her a sentence so she'd understand. I really am not mean. I know the class is hard, but occasionally there are sentences that make absolutely no sense.. and the majority of my students have done poorly on this report. The annoying thing is that I have to grade based on this 2 page long rubric my boss writes, but they are not allowed to see it.. so they don't realize that I'm not being mean that it's not arbitrary. I've had one already email to complain.

I will say (this is the 6th semester I've taught the course) that we tried letting them see the rubric for one report, and they did equally badly (if not worse) on the 2nd. I think that may have been partly my idea. That was kind of a tangent, but I do feel bad giving bad grades even after 3 years. Though, I don't take it personally now.

Anyway, I really have no idea what happened at dinner. I don't know if it was depression or the eating disorder or anxiety. I do know it was a bit embarrassing. I still feel bad seeming insane about things other than alcohol around my sponsor. Mainly, I am ashamed of letting the eating disorder show. I guess because I am overweight, so it seems in my head a bit ridiculous to be this upset by eating food. It's also been 8 years since the bulimia started, and I feel like I should be over this. I know it's not unusual to still have an eating disorder after 8 years. I think it's because my parents' attitude toward the eating and the alcohol and the depression seems to be that I should have grown out of it by now.

Plus, it wasn't just my sponsor. (I really did not expect this to end up so long) Later my sponsor asked something about setting up a blog for her daughter. I told her to try using blogger. I said something about privacy settings to make sure she doesn't get inappropriate comments from random people.. which I've never had a problem with, but I knew she'd be upset if some creep found her and said something. Anyway, I mentioned the way settings can be as far as who reads the blog. I mentioned that mine is public but I only have a handful (and I appreciate every one of you) that read mine regularly. So she asked how people found me. And I said that several people I found and read first, which I think is true.

I made a comment in front of her and the other AA guy about reading eating disorder blogs, which is an oversimplification because I don't just read anything ED related. I care about people I follow and think everyone writes very well. But anyway, I said this and that I watch eating disorder related stuff on youtube.. which is true. Actually, when I'm drunk I always seem to watch certain documentaries or shows. I would wake up and find things open on my tablet. But I said this in front of the guy, so it's possible between that and me leaving the table and asking if I had to eat, he may have gotten a hint of me having a problem with food. My sponsor and maybe one other person are the only ones at AA I have actually admitted having an eating disorder to. In meetings, I will vaguely allude to having problems/addictions beside alcohol that I switch between, but I don't say what they are.