I can't think of a title

Tried to think of something appropriate or clever or whatever for a title, but I'm not going to try tonight. My mind is not working. I'm actually not drunk. Today is day 4 sober (and I really don't want to hear how good that is).

I have gotten very good, too good over the years at acting fine. Or maybe not always fine but ok enough to be left alone. After a while, that only works in public. At home I crash, and tonight is definitely one of those nights.

I picked up my prescription for wellbutrin on Wednesday after not taking it for probably a week. I didn't take it until tonight. I've known for a couple days that things were getting bad. There's this sort of desperate feeling that I start getting when I'm alone. I can drink it away very easily, but I haven't. I have kind of hated myself every night that I chose not to buy vodka because I hate this.

I guess I seem pretty ok. Thursday I had dinner with my parents. Last night I went to school and to a friend's house. I drove back for an AA meeting at 8 because my sponsor said she thought of me when she chose the speaker, so I felt obligated.

It was a good speaker.. Though what I only really focused on was when she was talking about finding her higher power. The woman said her sponsor asked her what kind of things make her feel peaceful (which she said was music) and to bring more of that into her life. I started thinking of what makes me peaceful, and I don't have much. I have things that distract me. Then I thought that depression feels peaceful. Not terrible depression, but that lingering sadness. I realize that's usually why I don't start taking my meds again.. I like that tired sadness.

But I do the same thing every time. I stop taking them and enjoy that sadness until it reaches the point where either I can't function or I start worrying I might do something serious. Sometimes serious is just self harm.. I start thinking a lot about self harm, and I take them again. Or I drink. This time, I was drinking most of the time, and the self harm started and I just didn't care. It's not anything that needed stitches, and at this point a few more scars won't make a damn bit of difference.

I got home last night and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I needed to grade papers, so I drank a couple cans of diet pepsi and graded until 1am. I stopped at one point to cut myself.. and did again later. I graded and then went to bed.

Before I forget, the thing that was bothering me yesterday.. I texted my sponsor at some point and told her about my therapist going on about how dangerous not drinking was. She asked if I understood what my therapist was saying. I don't remember how the other messages went, but then she sent one that said "Sweetheart, we all see you dying. It's scary. Everyone reacts differently to what is happening." I wanted to text her that I wasn't dying, but I remember her saying a few days before that any doctor would argue. That I just wasn't dying as fast as I want. I didn't say anything because I really didn't want to know what people see. I like to live in my own little world where this isn't hurting anyone. But that stayed on my mind

Today, I went to lunch with a girl from AA and then to a meeting. The meeting was on selfishness. I thought for a bit and then realized that I think I'm not being selfish as long as I don't tell anyone what's going on. I choose to believe nobody can see what's going on.. and there have been several conversations with my sponsor and at least one other person that make it clear it's not true. I just don't know if it's behaviors they see, if it's emotions they see, or if physically I look ill. I didn't end up saying this. Mainly because someone said something about being able to show someone the steps or the answer but you can't make them ready or make them do it.. or something along those lines. Well, this woman who has my same sponsor (the one I've bitched about calling me) looked at me and then at my sponsor.. that kind of thing where I could tell she was silently pointing at me.

Anyway, my sponsor has told me essentially that, so that didn't bother me. It was the feeling that they talk about me when I'm not there. The feeling that my sponsor talks about me with other people. The feeling that other people know things I don't or things I don't want them to know. Or just something, and it made me angry. It made me angry and it made me want to curl up in a little ball or run. I didn't run, but I refused to speak. I hung around a few minutes after the meeting in an attempt to seem ok, and then I went out to my car. I went out to my car and almost started crying, so I went back inside.

I ended up agreeing to go to my sponsor's even though she went to some school play. I graded papers and then we watched tv when she got back around 9. I thought about telling her this, and I couldn't (my heart started racing at the thought of saying it). I did bring up (because it was a reason I hesitated to go to her house) that one of her daughters had noticed the scars on my arm last week. It was the younger one, and I guess the older did see and asked about it. My sponsor said scars and her daughter said ok. She asked the older daughter if the younger saw, and since she did she told the younger one they were scars.. and the daughter said ok. So.. no big deal. Anyway, we watched tv.

I left and got that sinking feeling walking to my car. It was too late to buy liquor. I went home. I walked into the apartment and immediately started crying. I texted my sponsor that I was going to take the wellbutrin. I wanted/want to call and ask if I could sleep on her couch, but I didn't. I won't.

I am supposed to go to church in the morning, but I think I'll make an excuse. I'm tired. I've been having bad dreams every night. I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. I probably shouldn't cancel though she cancelled last weekend. My parents are thankfully out of town.. not sure how late, but I'm just going to go back home and not ask. I do need to search my car for my keys. Otherwise.. I'm just not sure I can handle people. At the moment, I want to curl up and sit on the floor.. but my apartment is a mess, so a chair is less stressful. No liquor stores tomorrow, but I may break down and drink something else. I don't know that I want sobriety.