So I'm back to having really bad hand tremors. I think someone in AA noticed. I tried to keep my hands folded or under the table, but when I would pick up my diet coke my hand would shake. It happened last night too but I don't know if anyone was paying attention.
It's embarrassing because it's a pretty clear sign to others that I relapsed. They may have known anyway. I can't bring myself to actually admit it.
To make AA even more uncomfortable today, my pants almost fell off. I keep thinking that I don't need to wear a belt. The jeans I was wearing used to be kinda tight. Obviously not so much now. Thankfully I caught them and nobody was watching. I was planning to go get lunch after, and I didn't want to hold my pants up the whole time. I managed to loop the wrist strap from my wallet between 2 belt loops on my pants which worked.
It's dumb. I know my jeans have been loose and that I always regret not wearing a belt, but I still tell myself I don't need one. I think my brain just will not actually accept that I've lost weight. I mean.. my clothes are loose, I tried on a pair of jeans in a size I haven't been able to wear for a while, I bought a damn scale.. but I hate myself enough to believe I can't be any thinner. The last pair of jeans I bought fit when I tried them on but the next day I wore them and they were baggy. I fail at buying clothes. I also hate buying jeans/pants. I can buy tops because I don't generally buy ones i have to try on. If I give in and admit I need new jeans, I actually have to try them on because I don't know what brand/size will fit.
So the solution, wear a belt. I put a note on the dry erase board on my door as a reminder.
I'm also a bit annoyed with my sponsor. She called this morning around 9:30.. and she knows I'm probably still in bed if it's before 10. But anyway, she asked what I was doing today and I said I had no plans. She told me what she was doing. I think the idea was to see if I wanted to go with her. Something about a friend visiting and going to a car show. Then she mentioned cooking dinner. I said maybe to dinner and no to the car show. She mentioned going to the womens meeting. I went, and she didn't go. So I didn't want to go to her house anyway. I realized that if the friend was visiting, that would mean he would be there for dinner, and I'm not up to meeting anyone new. So I got lunch and vodka and went home.
*** added a bit later
Sitting around watching shows on netflix. It was interesting a woman in AA mentioned not knowing how to live life and how most days were sitting around drinking and watching netflix. It really summed up my life. I spend my time drinking and staring at the computer or tv. I've had about 18 shots of vodka so far. It's only 9.. so I'm sure I'll have more. Should I finish the bottle? Should I drink more and skip church? Should I stop now and drink more in the morning to stop the shakes? Alcoholism is so fucked up. So many decisions that every option is unhealthy
I mentioned today in meeting that I am mixing alcohol and medication because to me the options are 1. take medication as prescribed and drink or 2. drink and skip medication. The idea of taking medication and not drinking seems impossible.. so the assumption is that I will drink and that I may or may not take my medication as prescribed.
I hate my life. I drank a lot... I was planning to drink all of the bottle. I got to almost the bottom. I poured it into the shot glass and back into the bottle and back into the glass. I ended up with what was left in the glass after whatever was spilled.
Do you think not wearing a belt because you can't believe you're any thinner is an extension of body dysmorphia? Just a question of curiosity, don't mind me.
ReplyDeleteI used to keep safety pins on hand in case anything was too loose or straps broke etc.. Just make sure they're decent ones that won't bend and break at the slightest pressure.
It's a tricky thing, combining meds and alcohol. I'm no doctor and as always my advice should be taken with a grain of salt, but I think you're better to take the medication anyway rather than miss out on a necessity.
It makes me sad to know you're in such a low place right now. You might say it's not that bad, but when you say you hate your life it just makes me wish I could do something to help make things better.
Keeping you in my thoughts <3
xx
It probably is a body dysmorphia thing. When the ED started, I used to put on clothes and be truly surprised when they were far too big. This isn't quite that bad since it's only a couple sizes too big.. but probably the same. I have always had trouble believing I've lost weight because I just think of myself as overweight and not by any specific size/weight. Maybe keep a spare belt in my car until I can convince myself to buy new clothes.
DeleteYou are probably right about the meds. My psychiatrist has never advised I stop taking them. He (and so had my previous) has mentioned that it's hard to tell if they're working while I'm drinking. Things are still better on them than off. Nothing I'm on is extremely dangerous to take while drinking. When I was on klonopin or librium, those could lead to overdose fairly easily since benzodiasepam type drugs are sort of the same as alcohol I guess? Same effect maybe. I never took those when I drank, and my current psych won't prescribe anything he considers addictive.
I do know things are bad. I almost cried on the phone with my sponsor today and I don't know why. I said things felt hopeless and just wanted to cry. Thank you for thinking of me. I am still not giving up. Trying my best not to pretend things are fine so at least I have to look at things mostly honestly. Thank you.