My last post was kinda depressing.. and triggering.. and focused on everything that I am doing wrong. Really, life is more complicated. I do fear things are getting worse.
I had an ok day. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I slept a lot.. I blacked out probably and don't know when I went to bed.. but I got at least 9 hours. My room was cold, and I wanted to stay in bed.. though I think one of my cats was trying to get me out of bed. I woke up at the edge of the bed with him against my back.. a few more inches and he'd have the bed and I'd have the floor. He's a jerk.
I went to church and lunch with a friend. I went to my parents' house. I feel like Sundays are a vacation from life. I pretend so much that things are fine that I believe it. Driving home it doesn't feel that way.
I am terrified about teaching tomorrow.. it's probably dumb, but there is some ceremony November 10th for a chancellor or something at school. It means the class I teach at 11am is cancelled that day. That means I must cover 2 weeks of material tomorrow. That class in particular takes a while to absorb information, and I fear I will go through things too fast. I will do something wrong. I do NOT like change. This has never happened at this point in the semester before. I am tired and everything is hard.
Then I have been listening to a band/group I was a big fan of in high school. That's not a good thing. There's this one song (Group is Bright Eyes) If Winter Ends that has this part
"But I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
That was a big part of my suicide plan when I was 16. I changed 3 days to 3 months because it would take time to get what I needs since I didn't have a car. Obviously, I didn't do it, but that association remained in my head. So this is not good music to listen to.
Well there's this song "Lua" that perfectly summarizes my life. There's multiple lines that do, but this is what I focused on
"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live"
The last bit... I live a functional life. I survive and work and live, but I sure as hell would not wish this life on anyone. There's another song that says "I know my actions are impossible to justify, but they seem adequate to fill up my time" that fills in the rest.
I live a life. I cope with whatever the problem is that causes so much emotional/mental pain and fear. I live it with alcohol and bulimia and restricting and self harm and sometimes abusing medication. I do so many things wrong to cope with my life. And I do not know the reason or the trouble, but I know it hurts. I know I feel empty and scared. I live a life to deal with this but no real way to resolve the original problem. It clearly isn't going well. The pain doesn't leave. The fear and emptiness doesn't leave. But I live because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I fear what would happen if I died.
I feel like I should tell someone this, but I really don't think telling my therapist would help. Telling my parents is useless. I could tell my sponsor, but it really isn't her job to deal with the non alcohol part. I know she cares, but I feel like I am placing so much hope on her. I am scared. Things are getting worse, and I don't know what to do or who to tell.. so yeah...
Just discovered your blog... I have been through terribly similar feelings.. I don't know what to say except to just hold on and get through each moment, and one day you'll find that you've made it out the other side of that dark tunnel, and are standing in sunshine again. It does and will happen, even if you can't imagine it right now! Sometimes surviving, through each moment, is all we can do, until the weather change. It always DOES change, I promise!! However there is no shame in recognising you might need some help to get through the toughest times. Hang in there, hope you are feeling much better soon xx
ReplyDeleteThank you. I really appreciate your comment. I am definitely hoping it will change. Surviving can't be all there is.
DeleteIt makes me sad that there's no one who you can tell about all this. My first reaction is to tell a doctor but I know it's not that simple. Is there anyone else at AA you could talk to if you don't want to talk to your sponsor about it? I wish I had more helpful advice for you but I just don't know what resources are available.
ReplyDeleteAnd sorry I've been so terrible at replying to comments. I really do appreciate them but my head's having trouble keeping up.
The psychiatrist could give me new medication, but I have such a fear of any mental health workers. The idea is to build up a trust with the MH nurse first, then move forward to seeing a psych, but that's getting nowhere fast. Either way, my GP's going to make me book an appointment in April so I have the option to see her mid next year. But I'll get there. Please don't feel you need to apologize for anything you said. What you said makes total sense, and I really do thank you for your input.
Are you okay? How've the last few days been?
<3
xx
Thank you. I am doing ok. Haven't had much to update about, and things aren't any worse.
DeleteI probably should have been honest with my psychiatrist about all that's going on. Actually, I should find a new one that might actually listen. I have been somewhat honest with my therapist about the eating disorder and self harm and everything. I just don't know what I could do in therapy to help things. I think my life probably isn't as bad as it seems. I'm just so used to numbing everything.
I probably will tell my sponsor some of it. I just have to work up the courage. I did admit about the scale and some of the sabotage stuff. She has been pretty understanding about everything, but I think the problem is she expects me to change what I'm doing and I am not entirely willing yet.