New low

So definitely reached a new low this morning. I managed to drag myself out of bed and go to church. I didn't go the last 2 weeks. I apologize for any typos. I am terrible at typing on my tablet.

I was of course shaking pretty bad. It wasn't so obvious when I was holding a book. I do think they were noticeably shaking when I took communion. 

The priest knows I am an alcoholic. I take communion separately since I can't have wine. I have debated changing this since I relapsed so it doesn't matter, but I don't want to admit I relapsed. Eventually, I would be sober again. If he asked, I would probably tell him how bad things are. He has visited me in psych wards and rehab

Anyway, I was planning to go to my parent's house after church, and I didn't want to be shaking. I had planned a solution. It was an awful solution. The last time I went to the liquor store I bought a can of hard cider, which I can tolerate more than beer. I didn't end up drinking it that day because I also brought vodka.

Today I took the cider with me. I didn't know if I would drink it. I didn't know where I would drink it and worried if I would smell like alcohol.

I drank it sitting in my car in the church parking lot after the service. I kept looking to make sure nobody was in the cars next to me watching. I drank it quickly and got out and put the empty can in the trunk of the car. I think you can get in trouble if a police officer sees it in the car.

I drank it and chewed 4 breath mints. I drank diet coke. I finally chewed some fruit flavored gum to cover the smell. 

It's annoying because I'm still shaky. I have this idea that my sponsor probably wouldn't approve. I am thinking have 1-2 more drinks tonight. Maybe 1 tomorrow. The hope is that cutting back rather than suddenly stopping might be safer (avoiding withdrawal). I don't know. I will probably call her tomorrow.

I'm also frustrated. Thursday is thanksgiving in the US. My brother might be working that day but doesn't know the time. So my parents have no plans. Don't know if we're cooking or going to a restaurant. Don't know the time. I can tell this may become a big argument, hopefully when I'm not there. I just hate the unknown. Thanksgiving frequently involves my parents arguing because they can't communicate or deal with conflict.

At least if there is a fight, I am able to stay at home or leave. 

So adding this later. I bought a couple more cans of hard cider on my way home. Currently drinking the 2nd one. That makes 3 drinks today as opposed to at least a dozen shots of vodka. I texted my sponsor about my idea of cutting back rather than stopping immediately. Her response is that she thinks I should talk to a doctor. I don't want to. I feel like a stubborn child, but I just don't want to. My psychiatrist may or may not be in the office because of the holiday this week. I am doubtful he would trust me to detox outpatient with no monitoring really. My GP always just lectured me on how bad alcohol is for me. I don't think she'd do anything except probably tell me I should be in the hospital. 

So I am well aware that this is dangerous. I just don't really care. I think I will carry on with my plan to either not drink tomorrow or drink a bit (not liquor). I can probably borrow a blood pressure cuff at school since there's no labs using them and at least check my blood pressure while I'm there. I'm going to be stuck there from 11am to at least 6, so I'm not going to be home alone. Maybe I'll change my mind about the doctor issue. I don't know