In AA, it is generally advised that women stick with the women and men with the men. So a woman should have a female sponsor. She should use the women's phone list and call women from the group. There's logic behind it because there are people (men and women) who come with the wrong motives or may get distracted by getting in relationships. Stuff like that. I currently only have phone numbers from other women in the group and not the guys.
The group I go to is fairly diverse in terms of gender and age.. I've been to others that were primarily men or primarily older people.
The odd thing about all of this is that there are more men in the group I trust and would talk to than women. This may partially be that the men hang out more between meetings than the women.. at least the healthy women... there's a couple that stick around but are very crazy (maybe I'm one of those?)
There's one man that sticks around between meetings a lot who has around 20 years of sobriety I think, and he's a nice guy. He's one of the ones that I've always felt safe around.. we chat sometimes. He's also one of the few who I have been honest about my lack of sobriety with. Mainly the few times he has asked.. I guess I come across as sober? Because last week he said I must have some sobriety time now, but I told him the truth.
There's a man that comes to evening meetings that I love strictly because he is an asshole.. but he's an asshole that will contradict or call out the woman I hate on shit she says.. or comment on the cliche shit people say in meetings. He can because he's been sober since I think 89 (a year longer than the woman I hate). His big thing is that we are sober by the grace of God and shouldn't give ourselves credit for it. It's God and the program, and while I do think people deserve some praise for being sober.. they shouldn't think they're better than anyone else. He also has some funny stories.
Then there's one man.. who has been sober since August I think, so not very long.. but he's always been nice to me. He kinda rambles when he shares and is a bit odd, but I trust him. I think I trust him and the other men because they don't gossip. They don't judge people the way the women do. I went to the 8pm meeting yesterday. I did NOT want to go but my head was in a dark place, so I knew I should. Well, the guy chairing was this lawyer who really likes the sound of his own voice.. like it was a small meeting and he talked for 20 minutes at least. I did share. Then the meeting should have been over at 9, but he decided that since they don't lock the building until 9:30 we could just keep the meeting going.
On my best days, I have trouble sitting through an hour long meeting.. last night it was almost unbearable. It would have been fine if he had closed the meeting and just said to stick around if people wanted to talk more.. but he just kept talking. I have made a lot of progress with not leaving early, but because he kept talking I was afraid to leave.. it seemed rude to leave while he was talking. I finally got up at 9:10 and headed out.
The man (Tim) from the previous paragraph walked out with me. He was telling me how he wishes i would share more. I trust him enough to explain why I don't like sharing, how I feel like I don't make sense and I ramble. He says I've never not made sense, which is nice to hear. I always feel like I start sentences and statements without knowing what I intended to say. We talked a bit in the parking lot. He was in the meeting last week where I admitted how little sobriety I've ever managed despite all the meetings I go to. I did wonder if that's why he was talking to me. I still worry about being judged, but with him and the first one (Ray) I mentioned, I think they care but don't think less of me. I think they give me credit for showing up almost everyday. The women are the ones that comment on how I never go out to eat with them or how I never talk.. both statements are true, but I don't like them reminding me of it. I feel like they talk about me when I'm not there. I feel like they really would judge or gossip if they knew I'm still drinking.
Again.. this may be all in my head, but there is definitely something different talking to the women. I do think this is all a sign I need to work on my trust issues. But I feel like talking to the men because I trust them is better than not talking to anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment