Winter break

So the classes I teach had their final last week. I finished grading them today. I spent like 5 hours at my sponsor's house doing it. Grading at her house seems easier than grading at school. Now I just need to put the grades online and email them to my boss.

Last year, I spent most of winter break in rehab. I took my last final (that kept getting postponed because of weather) and went into rehab that same day. It really didn't help. It was a nice break from life, but I relapsed a couple weeks after I got out.

The year before that (and before that), I spent most of break either drunk or asleep. I would wake up around noon and get out of bed around 1 or 2. I'd maybe go shopping or watch tv, and then around 4 or 5 I'd start drinking. I'd drink until I blacked out and went to bed. Sometimes that was before 10pm so I was sleeping 14 hours a day.

I have considered detox or rehab, but I just keep thinking that it hasn't helped. I've been in hospitals 3 times for detox (around a week each time) and spent 3 weeks in rehab. I always relapse. However, I am also aware of the danger of quitting on my own. I got home at around 10pm yesterday, and on the way I bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was 160/100 (approximate) and that was less than 24 hours sober. I am not entirely sure I want to get sober. I do and I don't. My therapist mentioned how physically exhausting alcoholism is, and she's right. My body is just tired. I have been sleeping until noon all week, and I can't decide if it's because I'm still drunk or because I am tired. I also stopped taking my mood stabilizer (I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and something for sleep) for a week.

My body is having a hard time drinking as much as I try to. I get nauseous a lot. I have to try different things to not throw up. I eat certain foods to get the taste of nasty, cheap vodka out of my mouth. The past 2 days I switched from diet soda to juice as a chaser, and the eating disorder is NOT happy with that. I did juice for a long time, but it's so many calories. I tried flavored sparkling water for a while, but certain flavors made the nausea worse.

My therapist wants me to come up with a plan for while I'm not in school. This needs to include time spent working on the paper I am supposed to be working on. Beyond that, I don't know. Time at home is a bad idea. I am not really suicidal, but I have this nagging thought that I'm not going to live through the holidays or through next semester. I could maybe spend time at school or my sponsor's house, but there were a couple days a week I planned to do that but couldn't seem to get out of bed.

My therapist mentioned trying to detox outpatient.. which means getting Librium or something from my psychiatrist to prevent withdrawal. The issue is if he trusts me enough to do that. Once before, my psychiatrist (a different one) gave me Librium, and I took it a few times when I was trying to quit.. when I gave in and went back to drinking I stopped taking it. Same with the klonopin she gave me (benzos + alcohol= overdose). I am hoping my therapist can tell him this.

I've thought about going inpatient somewhere.. not rehab but just short term. I kinda want to because I am exhausted and it's time where I don't have to deal with anything. Someone tells me when to get up and when to go to bed. Someone puts food in front of me (which I tend not to eat or to purge). Someone makes me take my meds. The issue is money. I have some money now (not a lot but not as broke as last year), but pretty much all of it would go toward this.

I texted my sponsor last night about considering detox. I was at her house today, and I mentioned needing to make a plan. She asked if I was considering detox, and I said I wasn't sure. I mentioned the Librium and she asked if I wanted this to detox or just to have it. I explained how I never really took it when I was drinking. I did a couple times over the summer when I got that shitty job because it stopped the tremors. I said I didn't know if I wanted to stop. I said I was afraid of the depression getting worse.

On a random note, a guy from AA came by Kenny.. he's been saying Hi to me lately but.. in a weird tone of voice. Like he was surprised to see me or surprised I was there. I thought maybe my sponsor told him about me because he was at her house last weekend. Today he came to have her help pop/align his back (kinda weird). She had mentioned I was there, but I wasn't in the room. He yelled hello. I went in there. He asked if it was too much to ask for a hug and joked about if I bite. I said I do hug people and I do talk. He mentioned during the conversation that I never talked to him before but that he never really talked to me. I think that was the whole issue. I think I come across as antisocial, but I really do talk to people at AA if they talk to me. So I hugged him and talked a bit. He made some joke about me liking a challenge and that's why I picked my sponsor. I said I was a challenge too, which he said he never thought. I really go back and forth on how people see me. I try to seem nice, but I do tend to sit silently and stare at my phone before meetings. They'll play dominoes and I don't, and I explained I just don't like the game. I think maybe people have no idea what I am really like. Hell, I don't even know what I'm really like. It made me feel a bit better about how he's talked to me. He has thanked me for talking to him, and I guess he actually means that.. I thought it was sarcasm.