Detox stay- day 1

So I apologize this is going to be long.. I decided to just do the first day/two of detox in this post and the rest later

I've gone inpatient a few times to detox, and honestly I never was sure it was really necessary. I mean.. I needed help getting sober, but medically I was probably fine. I only had high blood pressure.

Before I even went this time, I was having problems. My blood pressure was very high when I got home in the evenings. Like when I looked it up on the mayo clinic website, it qualified as Stage 2 hypertension. Plus, my brain would start get foggy. And of course the tremors and muscle twitches.

That Monday (December 8th) I was shaky even walking down the stairs to go to AA. I broke down, and a couple hours later I was on the way to the treatment center. I got there with my sponsor around 4pm, and we sat for what felt like ages in the waiting room while I filled out paperwork. Finally, they brought me back to a room for an assessment. They asked if I wanted to go by myself, but I asked my sponsor to come too.

Long assessment.. my sponsor kinda nudged me to be a bit more honest at times and occasionally answered questions. Not in a bad way... like the person asked if since I was drinking I stayed in my comfort zone, and my sponsor explained that I have structured my entire life so I never have to leave my comfort zone. Stuff like that. She stayed until that was done and I was just waiting to be taken to a room.. of course that was a couple more hours.

I got to the ward around 8. This place is divided into 3 halls that basically correspond to 3 programs. There's a mental health program. There's a "faith based" program. Then there's a chemical dependency program.. last time it was weird because I was in a room with people from the mental health program but doing the cd one. This time I was on the other side of the ward, so it was weird.

They searched my belongings. They did the dreaded skin search. It was really triggering this time. It was actually a nurse I met last August but who didn't remember me, and she'd look at scars and ask how old they were.. over and over.. like usually they just accept that scars are either from the last few months or are older than that. I just made things up because I don't even know. They range from a couple weeks to probably 10 years. Staring at them and being asked over and over bothered me.

That was done and they brought me to a room. They asked if I wanted something to eat, and I agreed to a sandwich and juice because I'd only eaten a smallish muffin at noon. I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I couldn't open the packet of mustard because my hands were shaking so bad. I was sitting in a room full of people watching tv and trying very hard not to have it be obvious I was failing at opening the damn mustard.

I had to sit and answer questions and sign more forms. I signed the consent forms for all my usual medication, but I sat around in my room or in the day room and no one mentioned giving me anything. Last stay, the nurse would find me to take medication if I wasn't there exactly when everyone lined up (and I wasn't there at the scheduled time).. nope.. nothing. Finally around 11pm I tried lying down and turning off the light.

I couldn't sleep. My legs and arms kept twitching. My hands got clammy and my palms sweaty. It felt like my arms were falling asleep (you know that sort of numb, pins and needles feeling). I finally got up and decided to go to the nurses' station. There was a nurse standing there and he asked my name and then said he was looking for me. He had my medication and also the consent forms for Librium (detox) and Dylantin (anti-seizure) for withdrawal. I mentioned my hands being sweaty and shaky, My hand was shaking so bad it was hard to take the pills and sign the form.

 I took the medication and they just let me go back to my room. Nobody checked my blood pressure. Nobody asked other symptoms.

I lay in bed trying slow/deep breathing to calm down and waiting for the twitching to stop. I was scared. A tech came by at some point (too dark to read my watch) and asked if I was having trouble sleeping and said he'd tell my nurse. Nurse came by around 4am with more medication. (Librium every 4 hours the first 2 days I think). I got maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.

Admittedly, it was probably not that nurse's fault. It was probably the previous shift. He also was one of the nicest staff there, so I had trouble being upset with him. Plus, he was really cute. Really cute. Like a young George Clooney. I have to say, if someone is going to wake you up at 2am, it is nice if he is cute.

I woke up and actually went to breakfast.. it's served in a big cafeteria. I managed cottage cheese and pineapple. Lunch was yogurt and fruit. Dinner was yogurt and fruit. So clearly ED kicked in when I started getting anxious. I also started my usual self harm obsession of hunting for ways to hurt myself. I talked to my sponsor on the phone at some point (I called her a lot) and she "posed for my consideration" that I should tell them what usually happens when I quit drinking. So, I told Cute Nurse that my sponsor said I should mention that in her words (actually told him this quote) my "self harm increases exponentially when I stop drinking" and then also that I have a history of bulimia but had not recently been purging. I had yet to purge or find anything to self harm, but I did from the beginning make them aware. He told me to tell them, especially him, if I felt like hurting myself and that he would request a nutrition consult (did not want that part).

The rest of this, the days get confusing and blend together, so I will attempt the rest in another post.