Bulimia strikes again *trigger warning*

Things are definitely going downhill. 2 weeks sober from alcohol, but otherwise I'm a mess.  This is probably all going to be very triggering because I feel like being honest

After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.

Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.

Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.

I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.

After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.

She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.

Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).

Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)

I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.